The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

My throat's a little hoarse.

It seems we may have something to worry about now that oral sex may lead to throat cancer.

Human papillomavirus (HPV), which can be transmitted during oral sex, is the main cause of oropharyngeal (throat) cancer, researchers found. The study is the first to prove the link.

Researchers compared 100 men and women who were recently diagnosed with oral cancer with 200 similar people without the disease.

They found that participants who reported having oral sex -- fellatio or cunnilingus -- with six or more partners were at the highest risk (8.6 times more) of develping throat cancer.

Lol.

Kidding, of course. I'm innocent, I tells ya.

But, for all those sitting on the edge of their seats right now, don't fret. It seems there is little likelihood of actually getting it and there is help to protect against the HPV strains.

*phew*

Screw on, folks, screw on.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

You are searching for blow jobs, huh? I've decided to be nice to my readers and I've found a non-scam site where you can view your "needs". Just follow the link link here. Now back to the article...

Just when you think reality tv couldn't sink any lower - enter Colombia and its breast implant seeking psycho as a girl attempts anything, including prostitution, just to gain another cup size:

Every weeknight millions of Colombians tune in to watch a smash television series about the indignities suffered by a teen-age girl willing to do anything to get her breasts enlarged.

The show, based on a true story, is both loved and hated for displaying the culture of easy money here in the world's biggest cocaine-exporting country.

And, in other breastacular news, it seems a German doctor has been getting ripped off by his patients after their cosmetic surgery concludes:

A German plastic surgeon who was cheated out of payment by several women has given pictures of their enlarged breasts to police, in the hope the photos will help trace them.

"The women registered under fake names," Michael Koenig, a surgeon in Cologne, told Bild newspaper. "After the operations, which lasted about an hour, they just ran away."

Bild published a five-column picture of Tanja's naked breasts. "It's probably the most unusual wanted poster police ever had," the newspaper wrote.

Ummm... no... can you show me some more? Better yet, can we have a police lineup of the suspects? And, I think I'm going to need to feel them in order to be 100% accurate.

Uh, ya, that should do it.

Hey, you know, perhaps that Colombia chick should move to Germany to get this freebie augmentation.

I'm sure that would make for an entertaining episode of Sin Tetas (Without Tits).

Previous/Related: Beboppin' Boobies, I've Got Boobtacular News

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Posted by Samantha at 12:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Hat Tip: Shock and Blog for this butt-clencher.

So, let's list all the ways to cure hiccups, or hiccoughs as some people call them.

There's hold your breath, scare the person, drink a glass of water while upside down, and of course, rectal stimulation.

Yes, you read that correctly, rectal stimulation:

The winner of the Ig Nobel prize in medicine was Francis Fesmire, of University Hospital in Florida, for a study that showed that intractable hiccups can be terminated by "digital rectal massage".

"Initially, gagging and tongue pulling manoeuvres were attempted with no change in symptomatology," Dr Fesmire wrote in a study published in the Annals of Emergency Medicine. "Digital rectal massage was then attempted using a slow circumferential motion. The frequency of hiccups immediately began to slow, with a termination of all hiccups within 30 seconds," the valiant scientist found.

I'll live with it.

What's slightly ironic about the situation is that the dr. who wrote the rectal probing paper doesn't know whether to be honoured or embarrassed for his recognition, and he wishes he were recognised for his cardiac research instead. He claims that the paper was based on one case, which was the one and only time he'd ever attempted that procedure.

Ya, sure it was. Lol.

The dr. added, "I saw this patient who couldn't stop his hiccups, I tried these other manoeuvres, and then I stuck my finger in his bottom," Fesmire said, emphasizing that it was the treatment of last resort. "Will I ever do it again? No!"

Well, that's a relief.

Article over. You may unclench your buttocks now.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
GOT HICCUPS? [by Right Wing Howler]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Do you think advertisements encourage consumption? Uh... yes.

No, really?

It seems that after decades of commonsense knowledge, they are finally going to study the link between advertisements and kids' weight.

Gee, I wonder what they'll find.

Duh.

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Posted by Samantha at 09:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Here are 20 Things You Didn't Know About... Death or maybe you do and they're just being facetious.

These are a few of them:

No American has died of old age since 1951.

That was the year the government eliminated that classification on death certificates.

Within three days of death, the enzymes that once digested your dinner begin to eat you. Ruptured cells become food for living bacteria in the gut, which release enough noxious gas to bloat the body and force the eyes to bulge outward.

It's a Glass House that some old dude made using 500,000 embalming fluid bottles.

He actually lived in that place.

This site has a better description and history of the place.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

And, no, this is not about Doublemint Gum.

It's about a man with diphallus, or two penises.

An Indian businessman born with two penises wants one of them removed surgically as he wants to marry and lead a normal sexual life, a newspaper report said Saturday.

The 24-year-old man from the northern state of Uttar Pradesh admitted himself to a New Delhi hospital this week with an extremely rare medical condition called penile duplication or diphallus, the Times of India said.

"Two fully functional penes is unheard of even in medical literature. In the more common form of diphallus, one organ is rudimentary," the newspaper quoted a surgeon as saying.

The surgery was expected to be challenging as both organs were well-formed and full blood supply to the retained penis had to be ensured to allow it to function normally, he added.

I wonder if he has double the horniness, or double the "sex on the brain".

Fellas, if you were born with two, would you want to remove one? Could you lop off your best buddy?

Ouch.

Now, I think what would really make the news is if a woman with two hoo-hoos wanted to remove one.

What would that be called anyhow? Dicoochie? Multi-Twat?

Previous/Related:
Myrtle Corbin - The Four-Legged Woman
New Delhi: The Wackiest Place On Earth?
Beastiality And Young Love

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

I don't get why I come across these kind of stories once in a while.

Surgeons Find Knife, Nails in Stomach

A team of surgeons in western Serbia earlier this week took out eight nails, a knife, a pen, a screw, a spoon, a clothes-peg and other, smaller objects, from a young man's stomach, one of the doctors said Wednesday.

"We were astonished," said Dr. Maja Gulan, who helped perform the operation Monday in Uzice, 70 miles southwest of Belgrade.

"We have seen people swallow various things, but never this many," she added.

The identity of the patient has not been revealed. The doctors said he had suffered no major damage to his internal organs, and was successfully recovering.

The case was initially reported by a concerned relative who saw him swallowing the objects, doctors said.

You'd think the knife, at least, would have sliced a little.

So, what possesses people to swallow odd objects, anyhow?

Has anyone reading this swallowed any weird things? And, if so, why?

Serious, why?

And, no, I don't want to hear about things you stuck UP places.

Ew.

UPDATE: It seems that Dave D. of The Waterglass has a hairy experience of his own to share with us.

"I didn't ever expect to be asked about it, but I have to admit that I once swallowed Lani Guinier's head.

It was about fifteen years ago, before she was noticed by President Clinton. I was working a fourteen-hour shift as a waiter at Gavin's Place, an upscale steakhouse in downtown Washington D.C. The tips were spotty, but they let us eat anything we wanted once the busboys brought the dirty plates back to the kitchen and had had their fill. The busboys were running the place, I'll tell you what. Big, strapping, intimidating young men from Spuj, an Eastern European offshoot of Czechoslovakia they were, those busboys...

Anyway, I was carrying a round of Tom Collinses (or is that Toms Collins?) to a table of drunken policy wonks when two distracting things happened, one after the other. The first one was the fake-boobed bimbette wife of a junior Congressman from Texas hitting the bottom of a bottle of Heinz ketchup so hard that the thing flew from her hand, followed by a gush of catsup like an arterial spray. After that, she let out such a shocked gasp that her fantastically-siliconed breasts leaped out of her sequined top like they were trying to do synchronized jumping jacks. Still walking, I turned to look with my mouth wide open in surprise.

Not seeing where I was going, I slipped headlong on the spilled ketchup spray, tray and drinks flying, and landed near the bar. Unfortunately for both of us, Ms. Guinier had stopped in for a Cosmopolitan and, well, you can guess the rest.

It was pretty bad. I was choking up little gobs of her hair treatment for weeks afterward, and I was told that she still has nightmares about my epiglottis.

So yeah, I swallowed something weird, once."

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
More Tales from a Working Man [by The Waterglass]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Apparently, some money-grubber is on the attack for some of Bacardi's monopoly. At least, that's just my take on it.

A woman who says she was severely burned at a Miami night club four years ago is suing Bacardi, claiming the company's rum is dangerous and defective.

The lawsuit says a bartender was pouring shots when a customer lit a menu on fire and placed it in the stream of alcohol. A bottle of Bacardi 151 that was being used to pour the shots turned into a flame thrower.

The woman says she suffered second- and third-degree burns and was permanently disabled and disfigured.

Miami-based Bacardi USA hasn't commented yet on the suit.

I mean, if she's stupid enough to not know that alcohol burns up if lit, then I say let her sizzle away.

Thanks to this douche, we'll probably have to see warning labels on alcohol bottles and at the bars and nightclubs to prevent future idiotic lawsuits.

F-ing idiot.

She doesn't deserve a dime.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Someone at Procter and Gamble had the wacky notion to study which cities in the United States were the sweatiest.

I guess it only stands to reason that those states closer to the equator would be chosen as the stinkiest and sweatiest, eh.

Coming in strong (scented) at number one 1 is Phoenix, Arizona; however, Texas seems to have more cities in the top 10 overall.

Here's the list:

1. Phoenix, Arizona
2. Las Vegas, Nevada
3. Tucson, Arizona
4. Dallas, Texas
5. Corpus Cristi, Texas
6. San Antonio, Texas
7. Austin, Texas
8. Shreveport, Louisiana
9. Houston, Texas
10. Waco, Texas

But, be proud, those in

San Francisco, California
Seattle, Washington
Spokane, Washington
Portland, Oregon
Portland, Maine

because you were noted as the least sweaty cities.

Perhaps that's another thing good about living in Canada. It's cooler here, so we probably don't sweat and stink as much.

But, I can't speak for everybody because I've come across some reekers up here.

It's not like taking a shower and using deodorant is rocket science, people. And, if that happens to be too much trouble (why, I wouldn't know), then throw some frickin' cologne on for bloody sakes.

It's the least you could do for our schnozzolas.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

After Committees of Correspondence left this in the comment section of a recent article, I thought it was only fair to make everyone else squirm with disgust by bringing the news out front.

You ever hear of Ukrainian Salo?
I understand they even have it chocolate covered now. ;-)
Pork choc on the menu in Ukraine

For years people here have loved pork fat, known as salo.

Normally, small slices of the white fat are eaten with black bread, raw garlic and vodka.

But this new twist is designed to appeal to Ukraine's love of all things fatty.

Eurovision fan

For the equivalent of £1 you can now get four small sticks of salo covered in chocolate at Kiev's poshest Ukrainian restaurant.

And you can also get hold of the sweet salo - nicknamed Ukraine's Snickers - in Ruslana's home city of Lviv in Western Ukraine.

"I love it as it's unusual. I was given the first serving of Lviv's chocolate salo. Perhaps they were testing my bravery, but I ate it and I'm still alive!" Ruslana laughs.

But the chocolaty pork fat should come with a health warning, according to Dr Svetlana Fus from the Kiev Medical Research Centre.

Unusual: Pop singer Ruslana says she likes chocolate salo
"It's the worst combination you could have. I think that people should steer clear of the Ukrainian Snickers."

The former Soviet republic already has one of the highest death rates from heart disease in Europe.
Ukrainian Snickers

Blech!

Funny thing is it looks like sh*t, and I'm guessing the taste ain't far off from it, too.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I don't even want to know what sex trade searching you were doing. I've decided to be nice to my readers and I've found a non-scam site where you can view your "needs". Just follow the link link here. Now back to the article...

This is a warning to all you sex trade workers out there (you know who you are), as well as to any other person (drag-dressing men and dominatrix women, alike) who wear stilettos.

Studies have indicated that high heels may, in fact, drive you crazy. And, I don't mean crazy as in they hurt your feet, but I mean crazy as in literally.

The well-heeled might have cause for alarm. A scientist in Sweden says wearing high heels can lead to mental disorders, and has drawn alarming parallels between stilettos and schizophrenia among women.

Jarl Flensmark says high heels cause their wearers to tense their calves in a way that normal walking never does. That could prevent neuro-receptors in the calf muscles from triggering release of dopamine, a compound necessary for mental well-being.

And, there's more news for the sexually promiscuous.

Got that itchy, burning feeling down below?

Well, it seems that there may be less of you out there than originally thought.

The rate of severe complications associated with chlamydia, the most commonly reported sexually transmitted disease, might be lower than commonly thought.

But, wait,

Others, however, were not convinced by the findings.

Importantly, Sperling added, the study only looked at hospital-reported complications, while most complications are not diagnosed in a hospital.

Oh well, I guess it's back to my non-stiletto wearing/non-whoring lifestyle... and I had such high hopes.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I wouldn't think any man would complain about a 10 year erection, but someone has:

A former Rhode Island handyman won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection.

Charles Lennon's attorney added,

"He's not a whole person."

In his defense, he argues that he

cannot have the implant removed because of health problems, including open-heart surgery, his lawyer said. Impotence drugs could not help Lennon even if he were able to have the device taken out, because tissue had be to removed for it to be implanted.

Quit your b*tchin' mellonhead.

At least you're permanently "ready" for anything.

Lol.

Some open trackbacks: customerservant.com, The Dumb Ox, Conservative Cat, TMH's Bacon Bits, Liberal Common Sense, imaginekitty

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
This one’s hard to believe [by Larry Hnetka Goes HMmmm]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Apparently, a study is saying that the rich get more sleep than the poor.

But, I'm guessing this rich dude isn't in that same category after his 10,000 square foot mansion just got hit by lightening.

Sucks to be him... sort of. I mean, if you ignore how many millions he has in his pocket.

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Posted by Samantha at 09:57 AM | Permalink

I love fast food.

And, I don't mean I love eating the stuff. I mean, it provides me with so much blogable material it's not even funny.

It seems a woman found a live frog in her Burger King salad.

My guess is prince charming was merely looking for his kiss (yes, I know prince charming's from another tale, but you know what I mean - the frog into the prince thing).

Burger King's spokesperson, Christine Frey "said she did not know what happened to the frog following its discovery."

I don't know about you, but I think the frog croaked.

Perhaps served up in a nice, juicy Whopper.

Mmmm... frog's legs, gurgle.

Blech!

I think the coolest thing about this article is that the woman claims she won't be suing over the incident.

That's hard to come by these days, so kudos to her.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

This is probably the most disgusting thing I've seen in a long time.

It's the Krispy Kreme cheeseburger - with bacon.

How can anyone possibly eat meat with a sugary donut?

Talk about wasting the delicious meaty taste. And, they say it's a 1000 calorie burger. Ya, looks beastly enough to be that bad for you.

Hey, and speaking of putrid, life-threatening edibles, what's with people from the US liking Krispy Kremes, anyhow?

I had one once (we have a Krispy Kreme factory here, too, but it's an out-of-the-way drive), and I could barely finish it. It was just way too sweet for me.

Is it like a US phenomenon, or only certain classes of people enjoy it, or what's up with that? I only mention this because I see people talk about it all the time on tv and even see the frantic crowds at US Krispy Kreme locations waiting to snag themselves a box.

Please inform me because I'm out of the loop on the Krispy Kreme craze.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Uh... ya right.

British woman suffers from orgasms every 5 minutes

I don't know about you, but I wouldn't call that suffering.

By the age of 28 Ellie [Allen] has been given the amount of “pleasure� which an ordinary woman does not even experience throughout her entire life.

It disturbs her every moment of her life: at work, on the metro, in her car. It doesn't matter where she goes or how low the vibrations are, she'll manage to peak despite whether she wants it or not. And, they say,

"The poor girl doesn’t know where to turn anymore..."

Apparently, what Ellie has is a medical problem called “Permanent Sexual Arousal Syndrome�.

With this disorder the sexual organs experience constant arousal even with the absence of any actual desire. The reasons for its onset may be either medicines containing trazadon or excessive blood supply.

Too bad she can't share some of those with the women out there who never get there. I'm sure they'd appreciate it more than she does.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Apparently, one odd duck of a school in Arizona is banning the use of ketchup (or was that catsup) bottles.

They even chose to punish one student for sneaking some of the "contraband" into the school for their frickin' lunch. The school also "called the parents of several others found with the contraband."

Oh, foreshame. Ketchup bottles in the school.

Whoa is me.

Won't somebody please think of the children.

The bottle smuggling began after the school limited ketchup packet use to three packs per hamburger - extra packets cost 25 cents each.

What a d*mn rip off. No wonder the kids protested through smuggling.

Although they say the kids can bring their own packets to school, they say no to ketchup bottles because it would be a "health code violation".

Is it just me, or does anybody else think this is being extremely overprotective and completely irrational?

F*ck, kids spit on the walls, flick boogers at each other, and sh*t like that. I think they can screw their d*mn "health code violations".

I think this is just another case of authorities power tripping, especially after reading this part:

The policy was adopted because administrators were fed up with students stomping on ketchup packets and squirting the red goo on sidewalks and hallways.

Whatever.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I've written about his trek before, and now I'm writing about Steve Vaught's completion as he walks across the US to lose weight.

Yes, I guess Fat Man Walking will be a website of the past soon since his goal has been achieved. Well, I guess it won't die anytime soon since people are going crazy reading his story of success.

Congratulations.

His journey has helped him lose about 100 lb's, and I suspect he will continue on his personal trek now that he's on the right track.

Not only that, but I'm sure it has encouraged, and will continue to encourage, many to strive for their own achievements.

His first plan after the journey was accomplished: put on some new socks.

Ya, peee-ew, I can only imagine the stench after walking from California to New York.

That and a good bath.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

A penis article Monday calls for a vagina article on Tuesday.

It seems that more and more women are going in for vaginoplasty.

Lol, ya, there is such a thing.

It's cosmetic surgery for a female's lower region where they tighten the vagina to increase friction and sensation.

I guess basic kegals aren't cutting it.

I can see it now. Kegals, then cosmetic surgeries, and finally they will begin holding vaginal exercise classes. They'll probably even promote it with honeymoon specials where you can tighten your twat in only 5 weeks.

Geesh, I don't look forward to watching celebs show off their new makeovers for this one, or hearing the stories of people's vaginoplasties gone wrong.

So, how many guys out there want this job, and what would they call the doctor anyhow?

A Bush Chopper? Coochie Cutter? Or, perhaps a Snatch Sculptor.

And, what do we call it after the surgery?

A beefed up beaver, an augmented oyster taco, a mended meat grinder, doctored dick depot, or overhauled oval office?

How about a reconditioned rug, or perhaps a patched up panty hamster?

Got any better ones?

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Yes, you read that correctly, it's a fecal odor suppliment.

Apparently, you can take a pill that deodorises the smell of your poop. The 30 day supply allows you to experience the Whiff Revolution for only $15.

Whiff reduces the offensive smell of poop.

There are some side effects, but no big deal really, it only turns your sh*t green and gives you extreme gas to start.

Yup, not only can you "experience significant flatulence and/or diarrhea", but "Whiff turns your poop a distinct and rich green color".

But as good as all that sounds, and I know some of you are considering it (especially the granola munchers), it warns that their statement is NOT approved by the FDA.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Sam's Back [by 123beta]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It seems a GOP Supervisor is in a heap of trouble after sending out a seemingly disrespectful email.

Fred Gold is being asked to resign after he sent emails with a photo of a topless woman promoting "Breast Appreciation Day". The email message accompanying the photo stated, "Beats... Martin Luther King Day, doesn't it?"

Of course, reading this bit of information offended many, and some described the message as insulting to both women and blacks.

Ya, why offend just one portion of the population when you can repulse two?

In his defense (although it isn't much of one), Gold says,

"I certainly don't think I did anything immoral or unethical. To resign because of this, I don't think so."

The subject, I mean. I meant the subject's sensitive, not the breasts.

And, downplaying the significance of Martin Luther King Day.

Geesh, dude. Not cool.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Breast Apreciation day [by Ole Blue The Heretic]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Apparently, there's been a move towards psychology for infants and young children..

With a growing awareness and concern for child development, experts have taken to offering psychology and psychiatry on kids, and it's getting popular in the mainstream.

"The American Academy of Pediatrics launched a task force with at least part of its purpose to push more infant/toddler mental health intervention."

But hey, if parents are naive enough to blow their money on a baby shrink, then go for it.

I just wish I was on the receiving end of the whole situation as their psychologist. Imagine getting paid for doing abso-freakin-lutely nothing.

What do they have to say, your child has trouble potty training because you didn't sing to him more as an infant.

You know how they always blame the parents.

But, I really do wonder what they are going to say. I mean, as an adult, everything stems from childhood, so what do a child's problems stem from... being in the womb?

This all reminds me of those people who believe in pet psychology.

Sounds a little cuckoo to me.

And, you know this is all going to lead to drugging young children more than ever. What's next?

Prozac for Preemies? Ritalin for the little 'un?

Please.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Apparently, some guy is being charged with weapons of mass destruction for

"sending a mail bomb to a Chicago surgeon he said botched his penile enlargement surgery."

The man, Brett R. Steidler, sent the package after he realised he was unhappy with the results of his $8000 bobo surgery.

However, Steidler called the authorities before the bomb arrived and it was disarmed before it could go off.

His attorney claims that Steidler is mentally ill and does not believe his sentencing was a fair one since mailing a letter bomb is only a 2 year sentence whereas using weapons of mass destruction is 4-8 years. His attorney added,

"You shouldn't group this guy with people who drive truck loads of explosives to buildings or gather anthrax or do things for political reasons."

Hey -O!

At least, my guess is that his bobo turned out smaller than expected after his dr. allegedly botched the job.

And, considering he stopped the crime mid-way, and he doesn't fall under the actual definition of "terrorist", I don't think the charge is quite fitting.

Plus, he had to be a little loony to do either of those 2 acts in the first place: getting penis surgery and sending a bomb. Who in their right mind would risk injury to that particular limb if it works just fine in the first place?

I'm sure the dr. was just thinking of $$$ rather than getting to know the 25 year old patient and his purpose/psychological reasoning behind getting it done.

Not blaming the victim here by any means, just questioning the moral values of the service provider.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

A recent study has lead child safety seat makers to produce larger car seats for obese children.

It has been determined that more than a quarter million US children from 1-6 are heavier than the weight limits for standard car seats, and using inadequate seats could put kids at risk for injury in a car accident.

So, manufacturers have put out a heftier model for larger children. And, they have created them with the requirement to protect kids up to 10 years old and/or weighing 80 pounds in 30 mph crashes.

Ya, I'm sure this is the solution.

Don't feed the kids a normal amount of healthy food or anything.

And, don't exercise your infant or child.

No.

Enlarge that car seat and keep feeding it McCr*ppy fast food.

One parent commented on the supersized child seat, "it's like a La-Z-Boy recliner".

Ya, that's great.

La-Z-Boys for toddlers. Way to care about your kids' future by making them fat and lazy early on.

And, where the f*ck is our society heading that we need safety seats for 10 year old children?

Obsessive much?

I was pretty much embarrassed putting the 5 year old I nanny in a car seat: embarrassed for the kid who's treated like a baby and for myself having to put a grown child in a flippin' car seat.

10 years frickin' old, though!

I don't f*ckin' think so.

When I was a kid, I was sometimes either on my dad's lap helping him steer the bloody car, or I was lying down in the back seat with the middle belt loosely strapped around me.

I'M A-FRICKIN'-LIVE TODAY, AREN'T I?

Retards.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
LazyBoy For Kids [by SpoonFighter]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Okay, I hope I got your attention. This is very, VERY important information.

It has been reported that some foods can do wonders to control bad breath - something that mints and gum can only relieve temporarily, if at all.

First, consider crunchy fruits and vegetables such as apples, carrots and celery.

Also, reach for some naturally sweet foods, such as berries, citrus fruits, melons and other foods rich in vitamin C.

Experts said those foods create an environment that bacteria don't like.

So, I wonder, does that mean people with stinky breath are unhealthy?

I mean, if we require fruits and veggies to be healthy and require the same to cure bad breath, does that mean that anyone with offensive breath isn't eating their fruits and veggies?

Just a ponderance.

Either way, as a PERV, I am appalled by this newfound information, but even more appalled by bad breath.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Speaking of all things anal, a bit of news has plopped out recently.

Various cities in the US, including Pittsburgh, PA, Albuquerque, NM, Columbus, OH, and Baltimore, MD, will be hosting a 20 foot long, 8 foot high Super Colon as a display for National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month (NCRCAM).

That's right, you can now act out being the human turd that you are by walking through the giant display.

Okay, you may not be a turd, but I'd make a good candidate.

Actually, you know what would be really fun is if we lined up all the celebrity moonbats and celebrity PETA-pushers and had them all walk through the colon.

I'd be on the other end laughing, cheering, and making "bloop" "plop" "phfffttt" noises as we see Michael Moore, Pamela Anderson, and other wackos get pooped out.

No offense to anyone suffering the disease, but watching that would be enough pain to give anyone rectal cancer.

Here is a video excerpt showing the colon tube from the Prevent Cancer website.

While there, you can support the cause by purchasing a Buddy Bracelet. Ya, they're just those stupid cheap rubber things that everyone's selling these days for some stupid reason, but apparently this one's for a cause.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Lostinlimaohio sent me these news bits with her two cents, and I thought they were rather worthy of publishing with a few added comments of my own, so here goes.

LILO tells me she was reading the news the other day when she found this story on the decline of smoking - and being aware that I participated in that whole new year's resolution "stop smoking" thing a while back in support of Diane's Stuff, I'm Just A Girl, and a few other participant - she thought she'd let me know that it worked.

People stopped smoking.

LILO writes,

"the down side to this is that apparently people decided that if they couldn't smoke afterwards- there really was no reason to continue having as much sex anymore."

**Personally- I beat both the Canadian and American Average, combined. You didn't need to know that, but I felt like bragging.

LILO pleads,

"So please save my retirement plans and support smokers, or I'll have to sneak into Canada to enjoy my golden years."

All I have to ask is how many people are actually counting how many times they "scored" in a year?

Am I missing something? I mean, I don't count my experiences. Perhaps I've been going about it entirely wrong. That's it, I've got to start the year over and begin counting. 0... 0....

As for the low rating in Canada - at least we're consistent.

What do you people expect from us Canucks, anyhow? It's frickin' freezing up here. We'd shatter into little icicle pieces if we tried any of that funky stuff (as enjoyable as it is). Plus, we're still busy planning out our course for US, then world domination.

Anyhow, I say we get that sex rating back up there, worldwide, and make up a new tradition of what to do after sex. Women get to eat chocolate immediately after and men get to fall asleep right after without being nagged at. Win-win.

Sound good?

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

A north american patriot links to an article on three separate lawsuits against McDonalds, and she adds that the real surprise would be if the fries actually contained potato.

I have to agree.

Geesh, just talking about McD's fries is giving me that after-taste as we speak, and I haven't eaten their fries in about a year.

*shudder*

Here's the news on the lawsuits.

I just wonder when the "bigger" people of society are going to come out suing as the restaurant chain also announced that they have more trans fat than they originally admitted to having in their fries.

Ya, you suffered weight gain and a heart attack because they were wrong about how much trans fat was in the fries and not because you ate greasy fries in the first place.

(I'm certainly not innocent in that as I eat greasy fries on occasion, but at least I won't be suing anyone about it)

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

With the 3 recent deaths in Canada over the choking game, I thought I'd bring this article of mine back to the forefront.

Further, here is a link to the Stop the choking game site.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

A woman and her son have a case against McDonalds because they claim that a hot fudge sundae they ordered was tainted with blood.

It all happened when the 12 year old ate some of his sundae and tasted blood. Upon inspection, they noted a red substance on the side of the cup and mixed in with the ice cream.

What I want to know is how he "knew" what the taste of blood was like.

What is he, a vampire?

When the two brought the issue to the manager's attention, he allegedly admitted that it was blood and that the employee who prepared the food was injured and bleeding, and was asked to keep a bandage on his finger.

I want to know why they didn't have the guy wear a finger condom. If anything, that lawsuit seems legitimate simply because they didn't ensure that the food was protected from contamination.

The owner of the restaurant, who was not present at the time, believes otherwise, however, saying that it was just strawberry syrup. He figured that the syrup probably clogged the machine and that the claim is unfounded.

Sounds like a shady owner to me. I wouldn't doubt if he was a McDonald's night shift custodian in his past. Not pretty enough to work with the public; not smart enough to work with the tills.

(I kid, of course. Every legal job is respectable to me.)

But, who knows if that really was blood or strawberry syrup in the cup.

What I do know is that I'm still glad that i don't eat at McD's.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Some scientists are finally telling us what we want to hear.

They are saying that it is better to be sick with a partner, than to isolate. They don't mean to intentionally cough or sneeze on one another, rather they encourage people to have hot sex.

In order to fight disease, they say that hot, passionate kisses and good sex is something that microbes fear most.

Through extensive research, it's been noted that sexual intercourse improves ones physical condition as well as builds the immune system.

This is a result of an increase in phagocytes, and they state that oftentimes, the number of these cells almost doubles after orgasm.

My question is shouldn't men get sick less often than women then? They always have orgasms, and women typically don't have them as often, and some, not at all. You'd think men's immune systems would be outstanding comparably.

What we really need to know is why are men such babies when they get sick? Always needing "mommy" to look after them. What's that all about, and how can we cure this sickness?

And, oh ya...

*cough* *cough* I think I need treatment.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

So, they're saying that not only can dogs laugh, but that their laugh has a calming effect on other doggies.

Research has determined that the long, loud panting that dogs do is a sort of laugh, and it has significance in soothing other pooches. An animal shelter played a recording of a laughing dog and the results surprised the researchers.

"When they played the sound of a dog panting over the loudspeaker, the gaggle of dogs at the shelter kept right on barking. But when they played the dog version of laughing, all 15 barking dogs went quiet within about a minute."

Well, if there's anyone out there who enjoys inventing things and is looking for an idea to work with, there's one for sure.

You could create something that gives off a synthetic dog laugh or find a way to "bottle" the laugh and market it.

Perhaps someone could create a product that would control the incessant barking of the family dog or an annoying neighbourhood dog.

Maybe then, we could all get some sleep.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Speaking of butts, it is believed that medical injections may not be as effective on some people due to large bottoms.

"Our study has demonstrated that a majority of people, especially women, are not getting the proper dosage from injections to the buttocks."

Hmmm, air bubbles in arse... gee, I've got those naturally.

It was determined that since women typically have more fat in their buttocks then perhaps longer needles may be required to ensure success.

Ok, I'm going to lose as much a$$ fat as possible. I dislike needles and can't bare to see a long one rammed into my rear.

No comment from the peanut gallery, lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)