The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

Well, if you aren't, but you know someone who is, this may be the perrr...rrrr...fect gift for them.

It's the Hello Kitty personal vibrator. Oh wait, my mistake, it's a "shoulder massager".

Once up[on] a time Japanese schoolgirls discovered that their super-cute Hello Kitty Shoulder Massagers could be used for more than massaging their shoulders!

As they say, it's an "essential gift for any Hello Kitty fan", so make sure you supply your 3 year old niece with one for Christmas.

Lol.

And, you can collect all your favourite colours! One for each horny day of the week.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Not to me, anyhow. But, I guess it depends on which type of Hummer we're talking about, eh.

;-D

Alright. Sure, I'd still own one if I ever became a millionaire, but it's not a cool vehicle anymore.

And, the reason: Hummer Wins First Place in Environmental Design Challenge

Environmentalism has gotten to the HumVee, too.

Gak!

The buzz around this year’s LA Auto Show has been impressive. The downtown convention centre was swamped with a large number of international and North American debuts of concepts and production cars. The event continues with the announcement of this year’s Design Challenge competition, hosted at the auto show.

This year’s theme is environmental sustainability, with teams designing a vehicle for the year 2015 that has a net environmental gain, a life expectancy of 60 months and is 100-percent recyclable. The winner was the Hummer O2, designed by GM’s West Coast Advanced Design Studio.

But, that third reason is no longer available.

Rats.

And, actually, I'm becoming less satisfied with their look ever since they've started looking more like Jeeps.

Whoopy. I've seen Jeeps. Nothing special there.

So, it looks like I'm going to have to drool over some other vehicle in the future.

Can't wait for that 2008 Challenger to come out.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

It seems like the creator of the Body Worlds exhibits, which have been travelling the world, is now creating a corpse factory.

I wonder if they'll be giving out free samples of corpso-cola and candied carcasses.

Actually, the "factory" won't likely be selling the products they make, instead they will be enabling their tourists to watch the processes of body preservation.

He will be calling it the Plastinarium.

Gunther von Hagens' newest addition to his displays of preserved human and animal bodies and organs, which have attracted more than 20 million viewers around the world, is aimed at offering the public what he calls a unique view of the preservation process, called "plastination."

Plastination preserves the corpses by replacing body fluids with liquid plastic. The plastic is hardened, leaving tissues intact. Bodies can then be displayed without formaldehyde or glass containers, so onlookers can come within centimetres of exposed organs.

For more information on the Body World exhibits, visit Larry Hnetka Goes HMmmm, Diane's Stuff, or read my opinion in Morbid Or Beautiful?

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Canada labelled 'fossil' at climate change talks:

Canada took its lumps at the UN climate conference in Kenya Monday, tying with Australia in a "fossil of the day" award while being ranked near the bottom of an environmental group's list for efforts to combat global warming.

Opposition MPs and environmentalists from Canada, meanwhile, struck a common theme at a news conference in Nairobi, saying the federal government's lukewarm position on the Kyoto Protocol doesn't reflect Canadian public opinion.

"The majority of Canadians are firmly and strongly behind living up to our Kyoto obligations," said John Godfrey, the Liberal environment critic.

My position, for those unaware, is that it's a load of hooey. Yes, there is global warming, but it is a natural earthly cycle. It is not influenced by human actions as far as I'm concerned.

I won't go into it any further since it has been written about on this blog before, so if you would like to read more on it, here are a few articles my techie, MR.BIG, wrote: When Science Goes Awry, SHUT. YOUR. PIE. HOLE. A. BIT. MOORE, MICHAEL., SHUT. YOUR. PIE. HOLE. (take II), Global Warming Shmarming

And, isn't it great that those Liberal wackos are speaking for all of us. I'm sure they've got big plans for if they ever get back into power and start taxing the bejebus out of us with their "save the environment" cr*p they'll enforce.

I'm just speculating.

Anyhow, I might as well use this Canadian themed space to ask for your vote at the 2006 Canadian Blog Awards. Categories: Best Blog, Best Humour Blog, and Best Personal Blog.

Vote For Sam.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Bolton doomed, Israel in the cross-hairs, and politics as usual [by Right Truth]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This is either going to turn out as an asset or a hindrance for this kid: Singaporean is world's fastest text messager.

A Singaporean student broke the Guinness World Record for the shortest time needed to type a 160-character SMS message on Sunday after whizzing through the task in less than 42 seconds in a competition.

Sixteen-year-old Ang Chuang Yang typed the SMS (short message service) message in 41.52 seconds, beating the previous record of 42.22 seconds set by American Ben Cook in July, according to Singapore Telecommunications, organizers of the competition.

Either he can use this ability to text message tons of girls and make several dates, or he can use his speedy hands after he has been shot down by the girls who consider him a nerdy loser with a tacky talent.

No matter what, his handy work should benefit him in various ways.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

GPS systems seem much cooler now that I've read this little news bit.

Satellite tracks the beer that RFID cannot reach

Dutch beer manufacturer Heineken is using satellite and mobile technology to track cargo shipments of beer from the Netherlands to the UK.

The containers will be fitted with wireless devices and tracked using GSM, GPRS and global positioning systems, providing real-time visibility at all stages.

Well, for the short term, anyhow, until I drink their profits away.
(oops, I was supposed to say that last bit under my breath)

Anyhow, nothing beats my own GPS system: Guzzling Precious Suds. With my system, I can track the product from the time it hits my mouth, to the time it vacates.

Lol, don't think too hard about that last line; you'll regret it.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Oh boy, I'm in trouble now.

It seems that a lawyer has invented a way to spy on nannies:

Just as trucking companies put signs on their vehicles asking the public to report unsafe drivers, parents can now put license plates on their baby strollers to get feedback on the behavior of their nannies.

The parents, who pay $50 for a plate, receive an e-mail alerting them to the report, which they access on the Web site (http://howsmynanny.com//default.aspx) using a password.

Starishevsky said she came up with the idea after she saw a nanny in a New York city park who for at least an hour ignored the two young girls she was looking after.

"I was so frustrated," said Starishevsky. "How do I tell the mother that these kids could have run into the street, they could have been taken away at the hand of a stranger."

How's my nannying?
Dial 1-800-EAT-SH*T.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It must be a conspiracy.

First Steve Irwin, and now some 81-year-old man was stabbed in chest by a stingray.

Not only was the old man stabbed, but the stingray leaped into his boat to perform the attack.

Next thing you know, there will be a whole series of movies based on these events: Stingray, Stingray 2, Stingray 3-D, and Stingray: The Revenge.

PossibleTaglines:
1. Crikey I've been poked.
2. There's a lot of poking going on.
3. The thrust of the big stiffy.

Okay, I'm done.

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Posted by Samantha at 09:07 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

... but I don't know if I ever will.

This sounds like a truly shocking experience: Lightning exits woman's bottom.

And, although I don't like to just cut and paste articles, I thought this one too good to paraphrase:

Natasha Timarovic, 27, was cleaning her teeth at home when lightning struck the building.

She said: "I had just put my mouth under the tap to rinse away the toothpaste when the lightning must have struck the building.

I don't remember much after that, but I was later told that the lightning had travelled down the water pipe and struck me on the mouth, passing through my body.

It was incredibly painful, I felt it pass through my torso and then I don't remember much at all." Doctors at the city hospital where she was treated for burns to the mouth and rear said: "The accident is bizarre but not impossible.

She was wearing rubber bathroom shoes at the time and so instead of earthing through her feet it appears the electricity shot out of her backside," a medic told local television news channel, 24 Sata.

"It appears to have earthed through the damp shower curtain that she was touching as she bent over to put her mouth under the tap. If she had not been wearing the shoes she would probably have been killed by the blast."

That chick's got one lightening a$$.

Lightening. Ya sure it was lightening. She's probably just covering for having some insanely explosive gas.

Ouch.

Okay, I'm done. It's just so bizarre and hilarious that I can't top that story.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Shock & Blog shares this amazing natural wonder with us. It just seems to go right along with Sextravaganza Week, eh.

Here's the story:

A cave in Sequoia National Park contains breathtaking rock formations

Now check out this pic (please empty contents of mouth before viewing to prevent damage to your computer screen):

A picture of Ursa Minor

Notice anything about the stalagmites, particularly that one towards the middle bottom?

You've just gotta love nature. It's a true testament to all that man stands for... uhhhh... so to speak.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink

Some of you guys are just having a field day with this "research", eh.

I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THIS!!!!
Men are smarter than women

To men and women alike, you're truly smart if you take this study with a grain of salt.

On the one hand, the study fails to recognise that women have been subordinated for a very long time, which could lead to less activity in those areas of the brain studied.

Also, it has been shown that IQ increases with education (going to college apparently increases IQ by 4 points, or thereabouts - that is, if you didn't party those college years away, lol). Where is the research on levels of education between the sexes, and which courses were taken, and all those other external influences that alter one's thinking abilities?

Plus, how many "scientific" discoveries have been made and then proven unreliable and inconclusive?

It's always going to be a man's dream that he's smarter than women. But, the reality is that there is no perfect, sterile environment in which we can find out the truth. As long as cultural, external elements invade our thinking and our perception of the world, there will always be bias to the study.

Besides after this story, you'll know some men are as dumb as dirt:

I was coming up to a stop sign and some stupid f*ck of a driver overshot his turn and came into my lane. The f*cking idiot of a male (I'm sure it could have equally been a female) honks his horn, so my automatic reaction was to glare and finger the b*st*rd.

How stupid of a f*cking a$$hole do you have to be to not realise YOU are in the wrong?

My guess is that that guy was far more inferior to me intellectually.

Not to mention how many times I've had to teach MR.BIG a thing or two on how to use the computer, and HE's the self-proclaimed "computer genius".

Uh, ya right, sure men are smarter.

And, even if it were true (which I don't buy for a second), women are better looking; we don't stink; we're not overly furry; and we actually apply our brains.

*Tee hee*

(No offense to those I consider real men out there who do apply their brains and know there is a balance between the sexes and don't need to feel superior or justified through some "study".)

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

The story that made me laugh the most today:

RUSSIA REJECTS PROPOSAL TO SEND MADONNA INTO SPACE....

MR.BIG's retort: "Please, oh please do it."

The proposal: what do you all say that if Russia doesn't reconsider, then we start another war with them?

Can we have a consensus?

Sounds like rather religious and political reasoning why they won't have her on board at this time. One State Duma member said,

"Because of the television possibilities, it would be a pretty serious event in the year of elections in the United States and Russia."

"Taking into account her good physical preparedness and financial capabilities, the dream of (Madonna) Louise Ciccone of a space flight could be realized in 2009," Panarin was quoted as saying.

Like many Russians, he didn't use the 48-year-old pop singer's first name, apparently sensitive to the Russian Orthodox Church's objections to her use of religious imagery, especially crucifixion, in her "Confessions" world tour performances.

Maybe if we chip in a few extra bucks, they'll reconsider.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

At last, they've found a good use for the frozen Arctic: BEER!

Beer made from Arctic ice cap.

It seems that they've created a brewery in Greenland that uses melted Arctic ice caps as the water product in their beer.

The brewers claim that the water is at least 2,000 years old and free of minerals and pollutants.

The beer has 5.5% alcohol and costs about £3.40 per half-litre bottle. It is shipped to Germany to be bottled.

It is the first ever Inuit microbrewery - located in Narsaq, a hamlet 390 miles south of the Arctic Circle.

So, whether pollution or nature motivated, we can finally say there are positives to Global Warming.

So, go suck a lemon, enviro-weenies.

I'm off to enjoy my brewski.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

If you'll recall, there was a time when I wrote an article about a new hybrid of cattle, which are smaller, or dwarfed. I believe I called the article Mini Moo. Lol.

Well, now there's a new hybrid around that's not only small, but it's wooly too.

Two cattle producers in New South Wales are trying to downsize their cattle to produce a miniature breed which can also be shorn like a sheep.

The cows are between 100 and 120 centimetres high, and apart from being extremely docile, the couple say their hair is like cashmere wool.

"It's a Scottish breed, from the Galloway area of Scotland, good for beef, they can be milked, also their hair can be spun like wool."

We know cattle can be crossbred, so my guess is that our future will eventually entail talking cows once Billybob gets ahold of Buttercup, and they create the first ever human/cow mutation.

I suspect that it will not stop there, and instead, cows will become so evolved that they eventually wipe out the human species to take over the world.

Perhaps this explains the alien abduction of cattle.

The aliens know who the real species in control of planet earth are, or will be.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Evolutionary Big Bang theorist, Stephen Hawking, is wrong, I tells ya.

Lately, Hawking has been hawkin' his belief that we need to colonise Mars because the earth is in for doom, perhaps as a result of global warming or some other catastrophe.

I disagree.

I believe, with the aid of new technologies, the human population will survive indefinitely.

As slaves, mind you, but we will survive.

Call it the "I, Robot" syndrome, if you will, but I think humans will create computers so powerful that they will begin controlling the earth, the environment, and everything in between.

I mean, it's already begun. Just look at what computers are capable these days: reading our minds. Not to mention how they can serve us beer.

Now, wouldn't that be the ultimate strategy? Computers acquire a mind of the own enough to learn how to sedate and enslave the human race by appealing to our senses, like our taste for beer, and learning about our emotional state, then finally, controlling our emotional state, and hence, our entire existence.

Yup, that's how we're going down. Not by global warming, but by computer enslavement.

And I, for one, welcome our new cyber overlords.

(I have to, he's watching me now as we speak)

Some open trackbacks today: third world county, Diane's Stuff, imaginekitty, Conservative Cat

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Posted by Samantha at 12:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Canada's suffering for more than just terror attacks.

We've also been observed to have too many smart car in our neck of the woods.

While the rest of the world was turning their back on the perky microcars we were buying them in droves.

And, who wants to bet the majority of those horrid sales have been in BC. At least with my luck, they're probably all in the Vancouver area of BC, too.

*shudder*

I think the smart car corporation is fortunate they don't have me on their advertising team.

Here's a short list of my suggested slogans for the p*ss car.

1. The Smart Car: look like a 'tard in one simple purchase.
2. In the event of an accident, the Smart car provides guaranteed no long term suffering - you'll die on impact.
3. The Smart Car: It's so metrosexual.
4. The Smart Car: For those practising abstinence.
5. The Smart Car: It's the golf cart you can drive to work.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Did that title get your attention?

Boy, I thought my colleagues were dull when I was in college - always studying and rarely ever having much fun.

But, this takes the cake.

A survey reports that college kids find iPods more important than beer:

Nearly three quarters, or 73 percent, of 1,200 students surveyed said iPods were "in" - more than any other item in a list that also included text messaging, bar hopping and downloading music.

iPods more popular than beer, harrumph!

This year, drinking beer and Facebook.com, a social networking Web site, were tied for second most popular, with 71 percent of the students identifying them as "in."

It's a f*cking media player, people.

Whoopty doo.

"For those who believe there's an excessive amount of drinking on campus, now there's something else that's common on campuses."

Those nerds need to get with the programme.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
What's wrong with the youth of today? [by Cynical Nation]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Want a faster, cheaper state of tipsy?

Well, apparently artificial sweeteners are the way to go then.

Alcoholic drinks made with artificial sweeteners lead to a high rate of alcohol absorption, resulting in a greater blood alcohol peak and concentration than from drinks made with sugar-based mixers.

The reason, Australian investigators told attendees here at Digestive Disease Week 2006, is the accelerated emptying of the stomach caused by artificial sweetening agents.

The findings have public health significance, Rayner said. He recommends that product labeling include information on the intoxicating qualities of artificially sweetened alcoholic drinks. There could be legal implications for those driving home, as well, he noted.

And, I'm going to call it the Get Soused and Slim diet.

Instructions for the diet could be rather simple: drink nothing other than artificially sweetened alcoholic beverages. Plus, exercise could include lifting your beer mug for 10 reps, do 15 sets altogether, then swagger 10 times to the right and teeter 10 times to the left before passing out.

I'm off to try my new diet routine. If I'm not back in an hour, that means it worked.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Alternative title: Increase Your Package.

And no, this isn't an article about those stupid email spams, but I'm sure I'll get to that post one day. This article's about that new replaceable penis scientists have created for rabbits, but I've got a few social remarks on it that I'm going to get to.

Yes, all Bobbitts and potential Bobbitts of the world sigh a breath of relief today as scientists have come one step closer to a world of fake Johnsons.

Scientists have created a false, but workable penis that seems to be fully functioning for rabbits. They've even managed to get male bunnies fitted with the false Ba-donk-a-donks to impregnate some female rabbits.

Boy, would PETA freak about this experiment. Lopping off a bunny's natural package just to fit it with a false organ.

But, you know, those PETA people shouldn't get too upset about it because I'm sure the next step for the scientists is to make a set of balls.

And we all know PETA could use some of those.

Thinking about it, though, I can see how ridiculous this could get in our society.

Men around the world will be begging to get their knobs knocked off just so they can select a newer, larger fake love pump.

Ya, sure, you all cringe now, but I can see the day when this becomes a cosmetic surgery "must have" for men. You'll all be vying for the largest. It will become this whole competition thing. It will become so insane that men will start having trouble walking, and some will even have to be carted around because they just can't move with their gargantuan shlongs.

Okay, I might have just gotten out of hand on this one, but I'm sure not by much.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Sounds like it would make a cool video game or movie.

But, this isn't about that.

This is about the Internet.

It seems the inventor of the Internet, Tim Berners-Lee, is as cheesed off as I am about governments trying to control the web.

"He warned that if the US decided to go ahead with a two-tier internet, the network would enter "a dark period".

From this blogger's (and heck, just plain ol' web surfer's) perspective, creating restrictions will really discourage usage.

I thrill at searching for something and then ending up finding something else completely different and unexpected, but it turns out to be an absolutely wonderful find.

Oftentimes, the best sh*t I share on my blog comes from "happy accidents".

I realise, though, that this is ONLY a way for governments to profit off a potential market for them.

Whatever.

Don't they get enough of our money?

In addition, companies like telecoms, who I'm sure have lost some revenue since the booming Internet industry,

"would like to implement a two-tier system, where data from companies or institutions that can pay are given priority over those that cannot."

But, there has been some movement by computer-based companies to prevent the two tier Internet system from arising:

companies like Microsoft and Google have called for legislation to be introduced to guarantee net neutrality.

This is the gist of it and something that I wouldn't like to see happen, but may be inevitable:

A two-tier system would mean that people would only have full access to those portions of the internet that they paid for and that some companies would be given priority over others.

(aw come on, you can't expect me to go through a whole article on web surfing without bringing up pornography)

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It appears some have been working on a way to eliminate builders' bum:

Builders may no longer be able to flash their bums thanks to a pair of stay-put pants that stretch like skin.

After studying 6,000 men inventors came up with a cotton-spandex mix specially cut to give a unique eight-way stretch that clings to avoid flashing any flesh.

According to the Mirror a spokeswoman for manufacturers Jockey said: "This is officially the end of builders' bum."

However, Chris Windle from Housebuilder magazine said: "I reckon they're more for trendy teenagers than blokes on building sites."

The boxers are on sale for £10.

But, how many of these fellas are so concerned about their aesthetic appearance that they'll bother buying the boxers?

My guess is not too many.

I'm sure they prefer the free range rump over the caged crack.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

There is yet another reason for the perverse to stay indoors rather than find a real life partner.

The adult film industry is attempting to beat Hollyweird to the punch in delivering burnable porn dvds to the Internet.

"Starting Monday, Vivid Entertainment says it will sell its adult films through the online movie service CinemaNow, allowing buyers to burn DVDs that will play on any screen, not just a computer."

"The rest of Hollywood stands back and watches and lets the pornography industry work out all the bugs."

So, soon, you'll all be able to wank off easier than ever. Just don't jizz up those dvds before you get the chance to pop 'em in the player.

(lol, you're welcome for the graphic imagery).

[read more on the Hollywood downloadable movie controversy here. Perhaps Hollyweird is just going to have to pay their stars a bit less that millions and millions per movie. Kinda like how hockey hit its breaking point.]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

You will soon have an even wider array of perfumes to select from as cheese manufacturers have created the new scent: Eau de Stilton.

"Eau de Stilton aims to 'recreate the earthy and fruity aroma' of stilton 'in an eminently wearable perfume'.

A Manchester-based aromatics company was commissioned by the Stilton Cheesemakers Association to synthesise the perfume as part of a campaign to persuade more people to eat their product.

Blue stilton cheese has a very distinctive, mellow aroma and our perfumier was able to capture the key essence of that scent and recreate it in what is an unusual but highly wearable perfume."

Who would want to smell like frickin' cheese? What were they thinking?

But, for a more youthful scent, you can look towards Play-Doh for its Eau de Play-Doh fragrance hitting the shelves. Hasbro has mentioned that the decision to create the scent was due to it celebrating Play-Doh's 50th anniversary.

Ya, 'cause nothing says a romantic night out with the one you love like wearing your child's clay toy cr*p.

Thanks, but no thanks on all of those perfumes.

UPDATE: Now, someone wants to create a pizza scent. I wonder, hawaiian or pepperoni?

Previous/Related:
Would you like to be Cumming?
Celebrity Stinks

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Being naughty, huh? I've decided to be nice to my readers and I've found a non-scam site where you can view your "needs". Just follow the link link here. Now back to the article...

Yes, I said dog condoms. I'm astounded by this one, I must say.

It seems the wonderful invention, the dog condom, was recalled because apparently it didn't work.

No Sh*t!

The creator of the meat-scented dog condom believes it is the owners' fault that there were 102 unwanted dog pregnancies and 15 near-choking incidents. He apparently thought that dog owners would "place the condom on the dog before intercourse and supervise the act".

And, what's worse, the numpty is now working on a female dog condom that uses some type of harness mechanism.

Dude, you ever hear of spaying or neutering a pet? Sounds a lot more logical to me. And, as if animals require a romantic setting in the first place.

I don't know, but a meat-scented dog condom??? Wouldn't both the male and female be trying to bite the condom off the male, and wouldn't that create a very unromantic predicament?

Nutjob.

And, why would we want our canines to go through the same embarrassing situations as Aprosexic did at the pharmacy line? Having to figure out what size they are. As an owner of the pet, do you really want to be the one to figure out what size your Great Dane's penis is? I don't even want to go there.

Or, do we want our pets to fear a possible sense of inadequacy when we tell the store clerk that we require a small doggy condom for our pooch?

I can't believe this thing even got on the market in the first place. It's ridiculous.

Here are some brand name condom choices for you.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Here are two articles I've combined into one since I seem to get a few hits for these.

Virtual Girlfriend
No way! This is new to me...

v-girl.com offers the public a mobile girlfriend to download and date. This artificial lady can be your constant companion who shares her secrets, provides conversation, and comes with realistic 3D animation.

V-girl also comes with the bonus of screwing you out of real money when you send her a gift, contains life-like emotions ('cause what everyone wants is some fake whiny nag that you can't even get busy with), and she increases your phone bill as you get more and more obsessed with playing the game.

Just wait, the next thing we'll see is a bunch of weirdos marrying their virtual partners. As if people marrying their dog or cat isn't disturbing enough.

Virtual Boyfriend

Do you have a boyfriend? If not, would you like one? And if you already have one, would you like a better one?

Boyfriends are going for 99 cents for a deluxe model or free if you're a cheap son-of-a....

You can create as many as you want for your friends, which means, that in the virtual world, you can become polyandrous and have open affairs.

How does Build-a-Boyfriend work?

First you choose a free boyfriend or the deluxe model, which costs you under a buck, but can be entered into a Boyfriend Contest. But, you must remember, once you've created your boyfriend, you cannot alter him in any way.

Sounds too much like real life, in my opinion. You can never change them to the way you like them, lol. Of course, the same could be said of us women; and yes, there is a virtual girlfriend out there for the guys. Just check to the right under Classic Sam, or go to build-a-boyfriend and switch it to build-a-girlfriend (although, I couldn't get it to work).

If you are lazy in love, then you can always get yourself a pre-built boyfriend who's been "broken up with" and he can be purchased for a fraction of the original price. I suppose this means you get to pay for someone else's leftovers, and that your new mate will come to you carrying some extra baggage.

Yup, that sounds realistic too.

I guess the best part of it is that you can break up with your boyfriend. So, even when it's a fake relationship, you can be an evil, manipulative bitch and dump his sorry a$$.

Welcome to the wonderful world of dating, lol.

I decide to get myself a boyfriend, here he is...

Jimbo
Age: 29 Girlfriend: Sam

Description
I like long walks on the beach, snorkling, and pooty-tang. Will you be mine, you sexy momma, you?

What a gorgeous catch, eh?

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

The future looks bright for the horny and perverted.

It seems sex toy researchers have looked to computer-human interactions in the not-so-distant future.

"There is a possibility of developing erotic materials for yourself that would allow you to create a partner of certain dimensions and qualities, the partner saying certain things in that interaction, certain things happening in that interaction."

This field of research is appropriately called teledildonics, and it already enables people to manipulate electronic devices via computer technology.

Talk about bringing a new element to long distance relationships, or creating a new approach of having sexual relationships with complete strangers. Ya, I can see chat rooms getting a lot more nasty.

But hey, at least STD's won't be an issue.

And, when people say, "I'm going to go play on the computer", they're really going to mean it.

You know, I just knew it. I mentioned a while ago to my techie that he should invent something for touch with computers, seeing as they have honed in on others of the 5 senses, such as smell. Tough luck, MR.BIG, you missed out on this unique find.

But, until things like these actually make it to the market, for sex without human contact, people will just have to settle for sex toys and sex with dolls.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

At least one scientist out there believes that hard liquor helps houseplants sustain its erection.

Quite opposite to most men, eh?

The scientist says that a little diluted alc-y-hol - whiskey, vodka, gin, or tequila - stunts the growth of plants and keeps them from tipping over, but that it doesn't affect the blossoms.

So, I guess this means that now you can talk to your plant over cocktails.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

PETA is freaking out again.

Whoopty doo.

This time it's about the US government using live pigs to carry out taser testing.

This apparently happened back in 2002, and PETA is complaining about it now that the pigs were used as part of a study at a military base to learn the effectiveness of various taser equipment.

PETA spokesperson, Laura Yanne, stated,

"This is (a) very upsetting video showing 11 fully conscious pigs being shocked with Taser stun guns".

(by the way, I'm not Tiger Woods, so I can and will use words like "spaz" and "gimps" all I want, thank you very much)

But, according to officials at the Brooks City Base, the tests could not be safely conducted on people.

Aw, but... but... can't we use PETA?

No fair.

And, it was added that

"No pigs died in the experiments and were used in other tests after the Taser study. Eventually, the animals were euthanized."

Smoked ham?

Mmmm... reminds me of my Easter dinner all over again.

Heh.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Article written by MR.BIG.

I have to wonder about this new technology being brought out called Smellovision. I remember reading years ago about TVs that were supposed to incorporate this technology but it never left the drawing board and probably for good reason.

For some reason I don't think this new cinematic ploy is a good idea. Now, not only do we have to sit through real stinker Hollywood films, but we'll have to smell them too.

Yeesh.

Worse, they are putting the scent emitters under the back row seats. What kind of evil is that? The back row should be reserved for those whom want to make out and those whom want to watch others making out. Now the entire experience will be ruined when they pump out smells like “Pepe le Pew� at maximum.

It's bad enough that women want to drag men into chick-flicks, but now men will have to endure love scenes with scents of crap-weeds and stench blossoms, err, I mean roses and daisies.

Mind you, comedy films, such as Blazing Saddles, will certainly have a new depth to them when the inevitable bean scene is played. I’m not sure the depth is something the audience would truly want to experience. Undoubtedly, you’ll end up watching a few films in this genre only to discover that the film wasn’t made with Smellovision, but rather some oddly smiling ten year old boy who ate too much cheese and decided to add the appropriate aromas.

Uh, no thanks. Keep your smells to yourself!

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Posted by MrBig at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Thanks to Life, Family, et al for this urinal news.

Apparently, there's been a little bit of an issue installing high tech urinals in Philadelphia. A new Philly skyscraper is in the works of having new, high tech, waterless urinals, but this has upset the local plumber's union.

Ya, apparently, there is a plumber's union.

What is it, Local Union #1 and #2?

But, they have compromised with the city:

"Under the agreement, the skyscraper gets the high-tech toilets, but the plumbers get to install water lines to those toilets -- even though the lines are not needed."

You know, it may be high tech, but it's a waterless toilet.

Ya, an outhouse on a skyscraper.

Remind me not to stand below that building.

But, for all your waterless urinal needs, here's a site for your perusal.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink

This is a product that would sell by the truck load up here - and pretty much anywhere else around the world.

Meet Asahi, the beer storing, beer pouring robot.

That's right, it can refrigerate up to 6 cans of beer, two mugs, and pour a beer with the perfect head every time.

You know, thinking about it, I believe the Japanese are conspiring against us.

They're making all these cool products that will one day head our way, and we're going to buy them up like hot cakes.

Then, we're going to grow fatter and lazier than we ever have before because we will rely too heavily on all these gizmos, leaving our Western societies ripe for their taking.

Yup, they're putting the conspiracy in a neat little package, making us think it's all good and we have some cool new toys, but really they are just biding their time before they attack and RULE THE WORLD.

Koneechewa!

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Posted by Samantha at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Well, it looks like there will be a new soda on the market.

And, this one's of stimulating interest.

An aphrodisiac pop called Turn on was once banned from the market, but is now getting ready to be sold throughout the US.

The cola is made from guarana, ginseng, and caffeine and is said to taste like cherry.

So, does this mean that when you finish your can of pop, you can say it was cherry poppin' good?

There is a warning, however, that it is not to be had by "children, pregnant women and people with high blood pressure and diabetes".

The other warning... it will arouse you.

Now, I'm going to look forward to asking people, "you wanna go out for a soda?"

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Making it in time for Valentine's Day, researchers have created a sexy formula.

The formula is supposed to tell you at what time of the day you are the horniest, I mean, sexiest.

The equation, AL / T + 10 x AG / SF x G = TOTAL / 60 = sexiest time.

AL = Represent units of alcohol consumed each week
AG = Your age
SF = sexual frquency per week
G = Gender ( Male - 2, Female - 1.5)
T = Sex time preference ( 1.5 - Mornings, 2 - Evenings)

Add or subtract your answer to or from 6am (e.g +11.75 means 4.45pm is the best time to hit the sack, if you scored -4, 2am is nookie time for you)

So, let's see if this works...

0/2 +10 x 30/3 x 1.5 = 150/60 = 2.5

So, since it's in the positive, I add two and a half hours to 6 am, and that means I need a visitor around 8:30 am.

I don't know if I buy that considering I feel like poo around that time of the morning.

Now, any other time of the day... HELLO!

But, perhaps it changes from week to week according to alcohol consumption and all that.

Go ahead and try it out for yourself.

Hat Tip: Neil's Weird Blog

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Unless, of course, you're binomial [by dustbury.com]

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Posted by Samantha at 01:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

That's it! We need to put warning labels on people instead of the products they buy.

Warning: dumber than they look.

Warning: stupid is as stupid does.

Warning: this person is a f*cknut. Beware.

It seems some tool is going to sue because he claims that iPods are hazardous to people's hearing.

Like he's some martyr for us all or something.

The complaint is that the iPods are

"inherently defective in design and are not sufficiently adorned with adequate warnings regarding the likelihood of hearing loss."

I admit, I'm one of those jerks who loves to pound her tunes as she drives down the street (although I'm not ignorant enough to do it at night in residential areas), and clearly I am conscious of the potential future hearing loss, and clearly I've made a choice to risk it.

I didn't need a warning label to tell me about the potential hazard of THAT situation, and people who aren't downright dumbf*cks don't need warning for THIS situation, either, even though they say there is a cautionary warning on each iPod package.

And, it seems experts agree,

"Although the iPod is more popular than other types of portable music players, its ability to cause noise-induced hearing isn't any higher."

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM |