The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

Wedding Ring Deflects Robber's Bullet

Apparently, an antique shop owner, Donnie Register, was saved by his wedding ring after he was shot at by a robber.

Police reported that two men walked into Register's shop at The Antique Market in Jackson, Miss., and asked to see a coin collection.

One of the men pulled a gun, police said.

So, there ya go, fellas. Not only can marriage help you live longer, but it can also save your life.

Who knew.

And, on the flip side of the coin (get it? *Boo *Hiss), some widow may get rich over the death of her hubby. In this news bit, Japanese courts have ruled for a widow who's husband was worked to death at the Toyota Motor Corp. The man died after putting in more than 106 hours of overtime in one month.

Evidently, the company claimed that the man only logged 45 hours of overtime, but the court ruled otherwise.

The employee, who was working at a Toyota factory in central Japan, died of irregular heartbeat in February 2002 after passing out in the factory around 4 a.m.

Remind me to flip my boss off next time he asks me to watch the kids for a bit longer.

Lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

What religion with any sanity would want a convert by force? Would you truly believe that someone who was forced into a religion really would behold that very same religion? I believe not. There is no credibility to such acts of force, but there is a foundation for such practices in Islam. The Muslims Koran allows for such conversions by force - by the sword.

A Gaza Christian woman was forced to become a Muslim then marry a Muslim man that is a professor at the Palestinian International University.

Hamas-aligned officials at Gaza City’s Palestine International University have been accused of forcibly converting one of their female Christian colleagues to Islam.

Sana al-Sayegh, head of the university’s Science and Technology Department, disappeared in late June, reported WorldNetDaily. Days later she contacted her family and indicated that she was being held against her will and would have to marry a Muslim man who was also a professor at the university.

Another week passed and the family received a conversion certificate stating that their daughter was now a Muslim. One of the witnesses who signed the document was the university president, a known Islamist with strong ties to Hamas.

When the family complained to the Hamas authorities, they were promptly visited by a group of heavily-armed militants who insisted Sayegh’s conversion and marriage had been matters of free will.

Sayegh reportedly returned to work last week, but has not contacted her family. Attempts by the family to contact her new husband have gone unanswered.

Gaza is home to a tiny Christian community of only 2,000, among a Muslim majority of more than one million. When Hamas secured outright control of Gaza in June, the group declared that the area’s Christians would have to submit to strict Islamic law.

Religion of peace? Free will? Not on your life my friends.

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Posted by Layla Elizabeth at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Here are some great finds from Jim.

Earlier this year, Britain's Ann Summers sex-product company announced it would stop selling its remote-controlled Love Bug 2 personal vibrator in Cyprus after Cypriot military officials complained that the device's signals were interfering with army radio transmissions. [The Guardian (London), 5-6-07]

But, at least we've now learned another weapon against the enemy. Next time we packed them off to a war, we're going to have to arm them all with Love Bugs to intercept radio signals.

Ready, set, attack. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

A woman in Columbia University's hospital had her gallbladder removed in March not by traditional abdominal surgery but by running instruments through her vagina, according to an April New York Times report. Doctors said that abdominal-muscle cuts are painful and slow to heal, and that surgeons are considering using the body's other natural openings, also, for some procedures. (In a landmark 2004 operation, doctors in India removed a patient's appendix through the mouth.) Still, a female New York University surgeon said the idea of gallbladder surgery through the vagina is "repulsive." [New York Times, 4-20-07]

John Brandrick told London's Daily Telegraph in May that he will seek compensation from Royal Cornwall Hospital in Treliske, England, because he's still alive. He was diagnosed in 2006 with pancreatic cancer, with about a year to live, and he quit his job, stopped paying his bills, and used his life's savings to enjoy his last days. However, he was recently told he merely had (non-fatal) pancreatitis, and now he's broke. [Daily Telegraph (London), 5-7-07]

Thanks again, Jim!

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Thanks goes to Jim for these news bits.

At least 30 Texas death-row inmates have pages on dating Web sites, according to a November Associated Press report, and the murderers usually describe themselves in cuddly terms. Wrote convicted cop-killer Randy Halprin, "I think I'm a pretty funny guy. I have a wacked (sic) sense of humor. I can be a big kid at heart. I'm a hopeless (and I mean hopeless) romatic (sic)." [Amarillo Globe News-AP, 11-11-06]

I find it kinda funny that Halprin misspelled the word "wacky" and wrote "wacked". How fitting.

However, also in November, Calvin Bennett, 26, a suspect in two Arkansas murders, was traced by police to Rothschild, Wis., by the personal ad he had placed on a dating Web site, describing himself as shy and giving his ideal evening as "a nice romantic dinner with soft music, followed by a romantic walk or a carriage ride." [Minneapolis Star Tribune-AP, 11-20-06]

Marshall Byers, 28, was arrested in Everett, Wash., in December, and charged with the attempted murder of his estranged wife's boyfriend (who was treated for five knife wounds). According to prosecutors, Byers was surprised at the "attempted" charge. Allegedly, he told a detective, "What? I thought I stuck him like a pig. What do you mean, he's alive?" [Seattle Post-Intelligencer-AP, 12-22-06]

Also Should Have Kept His Mouth Shut: Jeremy Lyons, 20, was arrested in Hanover Township, Pa., in October for an alleged vandalism spree, bashing car windows with a baseball bat. A local TV station had carried a story of the arrest of another person, and Lyons for some reason called the station and, laughing, told them they had the wrong man. He was arrested when the call was traced. [WNEP-TV (Moosic, Pa.), 10-24-06]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Thanks goes to Roger for this hilarious finds.

Forget f*cking like rabbits, more like screwing like Sootie.

I don't know about you, but for some reason, I got that one AC/DC song stuck in my head right now.

Now, that's what I call some hot sex. I guess there really is a time and a place for everything; and apparently, cooking and oral sex don't mix.

Won't stop me from trying, however.

Lol.

And, one last one: Buzzing undies.

I gotta find me a pair of those!

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Thanks once more goes to Jim for sending these news bit in.

A Connecticut company (454 Life Sciences) and Germany's Max Planck Institute have made recent breakthroughs in developing the genome of a Neanderthal man, which shows a 99 percent-plus similarity with that of humans, according to a July New York Times report. If they succeed, it might be possible to bring the species back to life by implanting the genes into a human egg (provided, of course, that some woman volunteers to bear a Neanderthal baby). [Austin American-Statesman-New York Times, 7-21-06]

B*tch deserves a neaderthal child, but I'm sure even that kid would be more intelligent than her.

"I've always had the desire to play (the cello) naked," said Ms. Jesse Hale, a music major at Austin Peay State University (Clarksville, Tenn.) and member of the CJ Boyd Sexxxtet of nude cellists who play their experimental, chant-like songs in concert around the country. Hale, who says she's been playing naked since sixth grade, explained to Austin Peay's newspaper in September that cellists "make full body contact with
(their) instrument," and their legs even "wrap" around it so that "(i)t just feels natural." [The All State, 9-6-06]

And, I like to sit on the drums while playing them naked just to feel the vibration.

I just wonder if they've ever gotten their pubes caught in the strings.

Ouch!

The magazine Time Out New York reported in September on the "artistic palettes" of the Sprinkle Brigade of artists who dress up dog droppings on New York City streets with glittering candy bits and colorful toothpicks, for "urban beautification." [Time Out New York, 9-21-06]

What do they call themselves, the Pretty Poo Patrol? Or, maybe the Stylish Sh*t Squad? How 'bout the Classy Cr*p Convoy?

F*cking morons.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Ya, you read that correct.

Warning: the following link contains adult content. Viewer discretion is advised.

It looks like you, or someone you know, could be the next BIG thing.

An online adult shopping centre, LoveHoney, is hosting a casting call for all male exhibitionists, or any men who are proud of their "package".

If you make the "cut", you may be the next "member" to show your "cock" (oh wait, that last word didn't need an emphasis) to the online world.

They won't say what this is all about, but they do let you know that it has nothing to do with actual stunt cocks ("A 'stunt cock' is also the guy who supplies surplus semen during the making of a porn movie.").

Intriguing, isn't it?

Here's what you'll need:

An erect penis (for no longer than two minutes)
A small amount of dexterity
The ability to follow written instructions
A digital camera
An assistant (though you could do it on your own)
A cloth to clean up afterwards

Yup, get out your "mayonnaise pistol" or your "six shooter", or even your "super soaker", and begin dancing around the "maypole" because you might be the next "real deal".

Or, if you have that special musical talent, whip out your "trombone", "tuba" or "trouser flute", and play us all a neat little tune.

I just hope you're not the one to get the "shaft".

K, I'm done.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Secret project casting call [by Larry Hnetka Goes HMmmm]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Here is some more great news that headed my way care of the extraordinary, Jim.

A more conventional fetishist, Masashi Kamata, 28, was arrested in Nagoya, Japan, in October after police found about 5,000 pairs of used girls' and boys' shoes at a rented warehouse. "I was enjoying their smell," he said, according to Mainichi Daily News. [Mainichi Daily News, 11-1-06]

F*cking nutball.

Is there a contest going on encouraging people to be the world's biggest 'tard, or something?

In yet another case of a person practicing what is allegedly acceptable in another country but illegal in the United States, a 28-year-old woman from Cambodia was arrested in Las Vegas, Nev., in October for kissing her 6-year-old son's penis, which she said was simply an expression of motherly love. An official in California's Cambodian Association of America confirmed the custom to the Las Vegas Review-Journal but said it never extends past age 2. [Las Vegas Review-Journal, 10-14-06]

*shudder*

The Christian Retail Show in Denver in August demonstrated, said a Los Angeles Times report, nearly a parallel commercial universe, with hundreds of "Christian" versions of products and services, such as sweatbands, pajamas, dolls, health clubs, insurance agencies, tree trimmers and fragrances ("Virtuous Woman" perfume). One Retail Show visitor, though, was dismayed at the efforts to just "slap Jesus on (merchandise)." (Among the tougher sells would appear to be Book22.com, a Christian sex-toy Web site that sells condoms, vibrators and lubricants to married couples, but stocks no pornography or toys that encourage multiple-partner scenes.) [Los Angeles Times, 8-5-06; Toronto Star, 7-8-06]

Well, that's definitely a losing battle. Who in their right mind would go for porn and toys that encourage monogamy rather than fantasy.

Yuck! Blech! Couple sex. How disgusting!

Give me a good ol' three way, any day. Lol.

British performance artist Ian Thorley, working on grants from several local councils, did a week's stint on an Ashington street in October, stepping onto and off of a doormat while wearing a badge identifying him as a government doormat tester. [BBC News, 10-11-06]

Wooo... doormat tester. That's just genius artistry. Boy, I wish I could buy that and display at my house. What a masterpiece!

In case you didn't realise, I'm being sarcastic.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

You know the old tale of Scottish men and their kilts.

It seems the Scottish army is having to due to a lack of the ceremonial gear.

Military officials said Monday that more than 5,000 Scottish soldiers are having to share their kilts because defense chiefs have not finalized a contract to buy enough of the garments to go around.

The men, who face regular tours of duty in south Iraq and Afghanistan, have just 320 kilts, or one for every 15 soldiers.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Thanks again to Jim for more funny stuff.

In 2002, Jeffrey Klein and Brett Birdwell, both 17 at the time, trespassed onto a railroad yard in Lancaster, Pa., and climbed atop a boxcar to see what the view was like, but were severely burned by a 12,500-volt line on the roof and thus sued Amtrak and Norfolk Southern railroads for not having done enough to prevent them from trespassing. In October, a federal jury awarded the two men a total of about $12 million in compensatory damages plus $12 million in punitive damages.[MSNBC-AP, 10-27-06]

Duh.

Are judges really that stupid?

A 41-year-old engineer in suburban Toronto has accumulated, and worn, about 800 pairs of sports socks over 15 years (half of them off the feet of professional athletes), according to a lengthy November profile in Canada's National Post, which did not reveal his name. The worst part of his hobby, he said (besides having to keep it secret from his wife), is that he is often contacted by foot and sock fetishists, which he denies that he is, preferring to think of himself as sort of a "custodian of history," wrote the Post. [National Post (Toronto), 11-11-06]

I don't know about you, but that's not exactly something I'd be boasting about to the national newspaper.

In a deposition, Ennis, Texas, physician Aniruddha Chitale admitted that semen that patient Sherry Simpson found on her face after a 2004 colonoscopy was his and thus later pleaded guilty to sexual assault. However, in his deposition (according to a report by Dallas' WFAA-TV), Chitale insisted that the act that produced the semen was "unintentional." (Simpson is now suing Ennis Regional Medical Center for having tolerated Chitale's behavior.) [WFAA-TV (Dallas), 9-30-06]

Second of all - LOL!

How the h*ll does one defend "unintentional" facial jizz on a patient?

That poor woman, though. It's bad enough dealing with a colonoscopy, but to find cum on your face afterwards, ugh!

Perhaps the clinic could use this to their advantage. They could promote it: Every butt scope recipient receives free facial lotion.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

It seems some pervert chose a stabbing over having to wear a condom to get with a Cambodian prostitute:

A Cambodian man has been stabbed by a sex worker in a brawl, after he refused her request to wear a condom, police said Friday. Suon Da, 25, was knifed twice in the abdominal area by Sa Rida, a 24-year-old sex worker, during the fight at a brothel in Battambang province Wednesday, said Koam Roeuy, a deputy police chief from the area.

Koam Roeuy said Suon Da had paid Sa Rida $1.20 to have sex with her. But after Suon Da repeatedly refused to wear a condom, Sa Rida gave up and left the room.

Suon Da chased after her, demanding his money back and slapping the woman, Koam Roeuy said. Sa Rida responded by stabbing Suon Da in the stomach, he said.

This leads me to ask the question: if you had to decide between wearing a condom during sex or getting stabbed, which would you choose?

On a side note, holy cheap hookers, batman. $1.20, lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

You know, when I began this blog, I never thought I'd be writing about panda porn.

I never thought such a thing existed.

But, it seems Thailand - the land of sex and sexuality - has thought enough to create some panda pornography to get their bears mating:

After years of painstaking research, scientists say they have unleashed a baby boom among one of the world’s most beloved but endangered animals, China’s giant panda.

A bit of panda porn has helped too, they say.

“It works,” enthuses Zhang Zhihe, a leading Chinese expert, about showing uninitiated males DVDs of fellow pandas mating.

I mean, I know they have to be raised in captivity these days because human developments have taken away their habitat and all, but what's the point of hanging onto a thread?

I guess until they actually do go extinct, they've got their porn to keep them going.

And, in other panda news, it seems the animal's poo can bring in quite a profit for the zoo in Thailand.

When keepers of the country's panda couple - Chuang Chuang and Lin Hui - tired of disposing the 25 kilograms of feces daily produced by the duo, Prasertsak Buntragulpoontawee came up with the idea of turning it into notebooks, fans, bookmarks and key chains.

"At first the Chinese were very skeptical," said the head of Chiang Mai Zoo's panda unit, referring to the proprietary attitude China takes toward its iconic animal.

But the multicoloured paper products have proven hot selling-items at the zoo, with the the equivalent of about C$9,350 earned to date helping balance the accounts of panda keeping.

I just hope I don't get any mail from Thailand; I'm not sure I'll want to touch it.

And, imagine fanning yourself with sh*t.

I think that would make for both a hot and smelly day.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

More news bits come our way thanks to Jim.

Hard-working Britain: The Birmingham City Council revealed in October, first, that a man whose job is to paint white lines in the street made more than twice the average annual British wage, and then that a city lightbulb-changer was paid at about the same rate. [Reuters, 11-1-06]

Plus, street line painting is a prestigious occupation. Wouldn't you like that job? I know I would.

Heh heh heh.

And in October, London's Daily Mail profiled Keith Jackson, 57, an engineer for the AquaTec Coatings company in Wales, whose occupation for the last 30 years has been watching paint dry (to gauge its application time). He said the job pays "fairly well" but "can be stressful." [Daily Mail (London), 10-5-06]

How f*cking lazy is this guy if he gets stressed out over WATCHING PAINT DRY?

Lawrence Roach of Seminole, Fla., complained in October that the $1,200 monthly alimony payments he has been making to his ex-wife should end, now that she has undergone a sex-change. Said Roach, "I'm a man, and I don't want to be paying alimony to a man." (Legal experts were pessimistic about his chances.) [BayNews9.com (Tampa-St. Petersburg), 10-4-06]

Sucks for him, but I'm sure he'll have to pay anyhow seeing as it's the person, not the gender, that he is obligated to.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

At least, that's the way it seems these days as more and more weird doggy products become available. From wigs to clothing to psychological analysis, your dog can be pampered better than you ever were and ever will be.

With all that's going on, I wouldn't doubt if some day dogs rise up to take over the world. Screw worrying about alien life takeovers, we need to fear dogs... and no, I don't have cynophobia.

But, for those of you who choose to bow-wow down to the new poochie overlords, here is the latest popular puppy privilege: Canine Cafés.

The spare decor is understatedly chic. Whimsical sales displays hold $100 hand-woven dog collars imported from Germany and rhinestone covered leash grips.

The menu offers gourmet coffee, green tea and, for four-legged foodies, homemade ostrich liver biscuits and cakes with mashed-potato icing.

Some clients may have a pedigree, others a hazier though no less noble lineage. But the rules apply to all -- no leash, no service. Brawling and excessive barking prohibited.

What people are spending on their pets these days is what they used to spend on kids, if not more.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Jim sends us more great news bits. Thanks Jim.

Korinne Barnes, 29, a single mother of three running for the North Kingstown (R.I.) School Committee, was finally persuaded in September to remove her MySpace.com personal listing in which she described herself as "smart, sexy, fun" and a "voluptuous chocolate sister with a big booty." [Providence Journal, 9-21-06]

That profile is hardly offensive compared to some of the trash I've seen in MySpace.

The small, specialty restaurant Guolizhuang, in Beijing, serves mostly dishes made from various animal penises, according to a September BBC News dispatch, attracting discerning customers who come for the reputed health benefits. Sheep, horse, ox and seal are good for the circulation, said the restaurant's staff nutritionist, and donkey improves the skin. Tiger, she said, has no particular value to justify its high price, but snake ("two penises each," she said) is great for potency. [BBC News, 9-23-06]

Lol, I guess you can say that people in Beijing really like to eat cock.

Of course, we already eat chicken penis. Isn't that how McDonald's gets their nuggets?

In October, The Washington Post reported the growing movement among psychiatrists to call compulsive buying a separate, identifiable disorder and recounted this 62-year-old "shopaholic's" therapeutic conversation with herself: "I would say (to the jewelry she felt compelled to buy), 'You are so beautiful, I can't live without you, I love the way you sparkle.' The jewelry would say back, 'You need me. You look pretty when you wear me.' I would say, 'I do need you. I can't possibly think of being without you. But something has to change. I need to stop this. I can't afford a penny more.'" The patient said she eventually came to believe that her compulsion stemmed from her relationship with her mother. [Washington Post, 10-13-06]

Doesn't it sound like the psychiatrist gave her a new form of nuttiness to add to her compulsion? I mean, yes, bad to be a clinical shopaholic, but isn't it just as bad to be talking to some inanimate object like jewelry, especially when it talks back?

Duh.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Once again, Jim comes through with some intriguing and quite funny news pieces.

A traffic officer in eastern Ontario, who ticketed a speeding motorist from Switzerland in September, said the driver blamed it on the lack of goats. He told the officer that he felt liberated to drive fast because, unlike in his country, there were no goats wandering onto the highway. [BBC News-AFP, 9-7-06]

Obviously this person wasn't driving around in my home town where the mountain goats come down onto the highways and laze about during the summer.

Hey, thinking about it, I suppose I can use that excuse if I'm ever caught for speeding, too. "But, officer, I'm used to goats wandering the streets; and without them, I lose all control and cannot resist speeding."

I guess we can just be glad it wasn't the other way around where he speeds up to ram goats intentionally.

Although, I've never tried goat steak before.

And, speaking of goat assault, here's a bizarre tale:

Authorities in the Nigerian village of Isseluku arrested a man for killing his brother in September, but the man insisted that he had only tried to move a goat from his farm but that when it wouldn't move, he hit it with an ax, at which point it turned into his brother (according to an Associated Press report). [South Florida Sun-Sentinel-AP, 9-17-06]

I wonder, if he is ever caught "doing" a goat, will he be arrested for committing incest?

Now, speaking of freaky sex acts,

Charles Henson was convicted of attempted murder in Bristol, England, in October, but insisted he couldn't have done it. His ex-wife said he had stuffed his latex-gloved hand down her throat, knowing that she had a latex allergy that would be fatal within minutes. Henson said that was impossible because, according to the couple's "contract" setting out their sadomasochism, bondage and domination rules, "section four" states very clearly that "the master does not have a right to kill the slave." [The Guardian (London), 10-17-06]

And, I don't know, but it's a little disturbing realising that a Henson may have stuffed his hand into something merely for sexual gratification.

I wonder if he called her his dirty little muppet.

Lol, did I go too far?

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Some more great news came my way thanks to Jim.

Underachieving former St. Thomas Law School (Miami) student Thomas Bentey filed a federal class action lawsuit against the school in August, alleging that it knew when it accepted him that he couldn't muster the necessary 2.5 grade-point average to stay in school (and thus defrauded him, and dozens of his classmates of similar talent). [National Lew Journal, 9-1-06]

I'm sure if you looked at the kid, you'd know right away.

Duh.

Christopher Bordne, 17, was arrested in September in Newton, Mass., after a police officer, waiting behind Bordne at a traffic light at 1:40 a.m. through several light changes, checked to find Bordne with his foot on the brake but otherwise sound asleep. After yelling at Bordne and rapping repeatedly on the window with his flashlight, the officer watched as Bordne woke up, drove off and crashed into a tree. [Daily News Tribune (Newton), 9-19-06]

And, who wants to bet the kid sues the officer for waking him and causing him to crash?

Adult video star Mary Carey, once again running for governor of California, said she is a new person from the woman who was an also-ran in 2003: "I've got brown in my hair (instead of the 2003 blond) because brunettes are taken more seriously." She said she also has lost weight, replaced her teeth, gotten breast implants, and given up smoking, contraceptives and alcohol. "I've actually been sober for five days now," she said on Aug. 9. (Carey dropped out of the race on Oct. 23 to care for her mother, who is recovering after a recent fall.) [Reuters, 8-9-06]

Like, brown is taken, like, so much seriouslier.

You know.

Tee-hee.

And, like, sober for, like, 5 days. That's, like, so hot.

Tee-hee.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink

Thank you, Jim, for these news pieces. They're always great finds.

In September, police in the Georgia towns of Perry and Americus were investigating incidents probably involving the same unnamed man, who provided an additional dimension to the typical foot-fetishist: religion. An 80-year-old Wal-Mart shopper in Perry reported that the man was sitting on the floor of an aisle and asked her for help with his "religious" ritual. The lady accommodated him by stepping on his hands and then spitting on him, but when he began to lick her feet, she called for help. [Macon Telegraph, 9- 20-06]

How sick do you have to be, licking?

Least Competent Drug Agents: Just after federal and local narcotics agents cut down and bundled for destruction massive quantities of marijuana plants at a site in California's Marin County in September, officials reported that, despite security, 1,200 of the plants had been stolen before they could be taken away. [Marin Independent Journal, 9-2-06]

No agent would ever steal drugs; they're all innocent.

Either that, or they really are incompetent.

And, now for some news from some nether regions:

The Latest News From Places That Lack Sunshine: According to a September Reuters report, four gang-member inmates at the maximum-security Zacatecoluca lockup in El Salvador were caught with "cell phones, a phone charger and spare chips" in their rectums, "far enough (in) to reach their intestines," according to prison official Ramon Arevalo. [Reuters, 9-7-06]

Yes, I have a cell, but I also know there are a lot of rude idiots out there with them, too.

And in September, arrestee Melissa Roberge, 25, allegedly set fire to the mattress and blanket in her jail cell in Conway, N.H. She had earlier been frisked, but after the fire, a full-body search revealed a cigarette lighter in an unspecified "body cavity." [Caledonian-Record (St. Johnsbury, Vt.)-AP, 9-2-06]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Aren't you sick of seeing those messages in your email box?

Well, perhaps the next new product out there could end those nasty spams.

I doubt it, but I suppose it's possible.

Thanks goes to MacBro's Place for sending this in and enabling us to learn a little about AussieBum and their bulging underwear.

Wonderjocks help men "look bigger". The company AussieBum has created the Wonderjocks underwear, which are specially packed so that men can have the appearance of an increased size down below. Also known as the male version of faking it.

Anyone else humming the AC/DC lyrics to Big Balls right about now?

I've got big balls
Oh I've got big balls
And they're such big balls
Dirty big balls
And he's got big balls
And she's got big balls
(But we've got the biggest balls of them all)

Lol.

Nevertheless, does size really matter?

I thought it was all in how you use it.

Besides, if women cared at all about the size of a man's package, don't you think getting home and taking off those ginch in front of her might turn her off when she learns the truth?

Duh.

Anyhow, I can see where this whole underwear thing will go: AussieBum undies will be the start of it, then Hanes will compete by making an even BIGGER bulge, and to complete with the rest, Fruit of the Loom will create the GIGANTI-BULGE.

Thanks again MacBro's Place

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Here's some more great news brought to us by Jim.

In a September raid, sheriff's deputies in Vista, Calif., seized jars of urine from the home of a suspected methamphetamine user. Deputies said the user appeared to be saving his own urine in order to extract, and reuse, the meth he had already used. A Drug Enforcement Administration agent said he was unsure whether the practice was widespread. [North County Times (Escondido, Calif.), 9-15-06]

A September episode of the periodic NBC "Dateline" stings of online child sex predators, in Long Beach, Calif., turned up 38 arrestees, including one who is apparently beyond embarrassment, since he had already been busted once by "Dateline." [Los Angeles Times, 9-11-06]

Alfred Thomas Steven, 69, was arrested in the La Purisma Mission park in Lompoc, Calif., in September, and cited for trespassing and animal cruelty for attempting to satisfy himself sexually with a horse. According to police, Steven apparently had anointed himself with olive oil and coated his nude body in feed grain or oats, and then lay down so that the horse would nibble and lick him. Deputies said he told them that it was a longtime fantasy. [KSBY-TV (San Luis Obispo, Calif.), 9-6-06]

I guess it only makes sense, though, I mean, look at the guy's age. He probably planned this years ago to be part of his 69th birthday adventure. I just wonder if he coated the oats on every part of his body.

Ouch.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Selling bottled air is not a new cheesy attempt at profiting off of idiots; it's been done before.

But now, some guy is trying to sell a special kind of air: Olympic air.

A Chinese entrepreneur is suing a Beijing trade bureau for denying him a permit to sell bags of "World Cup air" and for scotching his plans to bottle and sell "2008 Olympic air," a newspaper said on Thursday.

Li Jie, who describes himself as chief executive of the Lunar Embassy to China and once tried to sell land on the moon, sought a permit to sell "World Cup air" for 50 yuan ($6.30) a bag to soccer enthusiasts unable to make the trip to Germany this year.

His idea was that fans could hang the green plastic bag around their necks and breathe in the air while watching World Cup matches on television, local media reported.

But the Chaoyang Industry and Commerce Bureau had rejected his application on the grounds that "special air from special places" was not classified as "an industrial category," the Beijing News said.

Well, seeing as the 2010 Winter Olympics is coming here, I'd better jump on this insane bandwagon and bottle some Whistler air.

I'll be a millionaire, I tells ya.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Give Thanks Every Day (Open Trackback Wednesday) [by Right Truth]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

If you're horny in Seoul, you might have to keep your pants on for a while because it seems "love motels" are booked solid these days.

Ever since the October 9th nuclear explosion in North Korea, South Koreans have been getting in touch with their primal urges. Condom sales at convenience stores has gone up by approximately 400 packs sold per day:

A leading chain of convenience stores reported Thursday that their condom sales rose to an average of 1,930 a day in the week after Oct. 9, compared to 1,508 a day.

A popular online reservation site for South Korea's ubiquitous "love motels" - the popular term for lodgings built for clandestine rendezvous - also reported a rise in bookings immediately after the heightened security threat.

The motels are a fixture across South Korea. In one of the world's most densely populated countries, where extended families often live together, such accommodations provide a refuge for those seeking discreet intimate encounters.

They can just go ahead and thank that loonie Kim Jong Il for this one.

Quite truthfully, I never thought Kim Jong Il would be one to arouse sexuality in others.

Deter, yes, but provoke, no.

*shudder*

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Posted by Samantha at 12:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Thanks again goes to Jim for these gems.

In an August segment on WWLP-TV (Springfield, Mass.), police chief Anthony Scott of Holyoke, Mass., described the extent of a recent domestic fight in which Ms. Yesenia Ortiz retaliated against alleged aggressor Victor Cruz: "She grabbed another knife and stabbed him in the winky...." (Cruz was arrested and taken to a hospital for treatment of his winky.) [WWLP-TV (Springfield), 8-14-06]

In an August rafting tournament on the Vuoksa River near St. Petersburg, Russia, which used only inflatable dolls of the kind typically sold in adult boutiques, Igor Osipov, 40, was disqualified upon finishing the race when (according to a report by Moscow News) observers "saw signs of recent sexual activity on (Osipov)'s doll." [Moscow News, 8-28-06]

The 30-year-old traditional festival of eel-"bowling" in the fishing village of Lyme Regis, England, was canceled in July after complaints from an animal rights activist that it was disrespectful to eels. In the ritual, teams of anglers stand on platforms and swing a giant (but dead) conger eel, attached to the ceiling, to see who will be the last person standing. Said a spokesman for the charitable event, which raises money for lifeboat crews, "But it's a dead conger, for Pete's sake. I shouldn't think the conger could care one way or another." [Reuters, 7-29-06]

In Jhalabordi village in India in August, a pigeon fell into a well, and five villagers went in, in succession, to rescue first the pigeon, and then the succeeding Samaritans, but all five died. And in Surkhondaryo province in Uzbekistan in August, a father and son were digging an overflow pit for an outdoor toilet when the walls collapsed, and five neighbors in succession were lowered into the pit to attempt a rescue, but all seven people wound up dead. [Herald Sun (Melbourne)-Reuters, 8-10-06] [News24.com (Cape Town)-Agence France-Presse, 8-14-06]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

No wonder so many unusual things occur in New Delhi, the place is run by monkeys.

They're out on the streets, riding the subways, acting as police officers, and are heads of parliament.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but it's not much of a stretch from the truth when the people there allow monkeys into every facet of their lives, all because they're considered sacred.

"Monkeys and humans have long coexisted in India, where Hindus consider the primates sacred. In the ancient Sanskrit epic the Ramayana, the monkey god Hanuman symbolizes wisdom, devotion, righteousness and strength. Most days, but especially every Tuesday, devout Hindus feed Delhi's monkeys a feast of bananas and peanuts."

"Most big cities in the world face the same kinds of problems: traffic, pollution, crime. Then there is New Delhi, which has a challenge rarely encountered elsewhere — monkeys. Hungry Rhesus macaques roam the streets and even the subway, leap through treetops outside grand government buildings and scale fences of companies and private homes in search of open windows and tempting food. Even Delhi's police headquarters has been raided by a monkey gang.

And to deal with such a rare urban problem, Delhi has come up with an unusual response: it's launched a monkey arms race. Companies and city officials have started employing langurs — large, black-faced apes — to protect buildings and scare off the smaller rhesus monkeys. "Any langur will do the business," says Zahid Khan, 20, who has been handling langurs since he was eight and most days chains one or two outside the Press Trust of India building, which houses TIME's Delhi bureau. "The monkeys are petrified of them."

I know. They'll get the idea to secretly train troops of primates to do their bidding.

They'll teach them to invade first world countries everywhere and steal everything they can.

You heard it here first, folks.

New Delhi will soon be a first world superpower.

Alright, I've really gotta cut down on sniffing the kids' play glue.

Previous/Related: Monkey Gender Dichotomy, Stoned Monkey, Zookeepers At It Again

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Posted by Samantha at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I'm thankful once again to Jim who sent these humourous news bits.

Artists Gone Too Far: (1) An August Los Angeles exhibition by photographer Jill Greenberg featured 27 2- and 3-year-old kids crying, scenes that Greenberg provoked by offering each one a lollipop and then snatching it away. She admitted that the photos were "upsetting" but denied critics' accusations of child abuse. [Guardian (London), 7-26-06]

In August, police in Mumbai, India, decided to get a professional opinion from the local JJ School of Art as to whether a downtown video and photographic exhibition was obscene and should be closed down. (The school's opinion of the show, "Tits, Clits and Elephant Dick," has not been reported.) [Times of India, 8-7-06]

Performance artist Kira O'Reilly's August show in Penzance, England, "Inthewrongplaceness," consisted of a naked woman cradling a dead pig for four hours at a time. O'Reilly explained, on her Web site: "The work left me with an undercurrent of pigginess (and) unexpected fantasies of mergence and interspecies metamorphoses began to flicker into my consciousness." People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals called the performance merely "sick." [Reuters, 8-18-06]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

If you didn't think lawyers could sink any lower, you were wrong.

Abducted by aliens? Call now for compensation:

A German lawyer hopes to drum up more business by pursuing state compensation claims for people who believe they were abducted by aliens.

"There's quite obviously demand for legal advice here," Jens Lorek told Reuters by telephone on Thursday. "The trouble is, people are afraid of making fools of themselves in court."

Side note: I didn't know they had fellas named Billy-Bob or Cletus in Germany.

Lorek, 41, is pinning his hopes for success on a German law which grants kidnap victims the right to state compensation.

Asked if he was worried he might look ridiculous by seeking justice for clients haunted by aliens, Lorek was unfazed.

"Nobody has laughed about it up until now."

What's next?

Suing the government for allowing Santa and the Easter Bunny to enter homes in the middle of the night, aka Bunny B&Es or Kriss Kringle Capers.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink

'Cause paying $10 for a beverage that tastes like poo isn't bad enough:

Starbucks jacks up prices of coffee, beans in U.S. and Canada

Ugh.

There's bad news for Internet time-wasters as some dweebs create an internet monitoring system.

In my opinion, if companies purchase this thing, it's almost like they'll be begging for a shoot-out in the building.

I mean, how many disgruntled employees will there be if techies can't do SOMETHING while they're waiting for their program to complete, or for all the infinite things they have to wait for on a daily basis?

Duh.

Previous/Related: Ticka Ticka Ticka, Cachink, Cachink

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Posted by Samantha at 10:33 AM | Permalink

Some more great news bits from Jim, with a few commentaries from me.

"Carlos the Jackal," who is perhaps the world's most notorious terrorist and who is serving life in prison in France, filed a lawsuit earlier this year against the head of French intelligence for illegally capturing him while he was sedated in a liposuction clinic in Khartoum, Sudan, in 1994. [The Scotsman, 6-29-06]

Now, I suppose the US isn't the only country in the world that has people trying to cash in on absurd notions. Wouldn't it be funny, though, if he actually won.

ExxonMobil, the company that announced jaw-dropping profits of $18.7 billion for the first half of 2006, said in June that it would fight the U.S. Justice Department over $92 million that the government said the company owes in the still-uncompleted 1989 Exxon Valdez oil-spill cleanup. [New York Times, 6-2-06]

I may not be an environmentalist nutjob, but I do know that if you make a mistake, you fix it.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

At least, that's my lamentable prediction after they have the meeting on Monday:

Pope invites envoys of Muslim states to meeting.

He better have a good squad at his back to diffuse the bombs before they go off.

And, in other news of death, it seems the Tequila man died: The Man Who Shouted `tequila! Dead at 77.

Imagine, gaining wealth off shouting one, single word. Wouldn't it be nice?

Here's my attempt: VODKA!

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Jim handed me some weird news bits worthy of sharing, so I added a few commentaries for your enjoyment.

Garrett Sapp filed a lawsuit in July seeking compensation for injuries from a 2004 auto accident in West Des Moines, Iowa, in which Christopher Garton's car, turning, hit Sapp's because Garton's attention was diverted by (according to a police report) the oral sex he was receiving from his wife. [Des Moines Register, 7-26-06]

The robber of a Bank of America branch in Tampa, Fla., in August is actually still at large, but according to witnesses, the bag of cash he took and stuffed down his pants as he fled had exploded, from the chemical dye pack inside, creating a temperature of about 425 degrees. Said a police spokesperson, "There's no way that he was not injured." (In his spirited post-ignition dash, the man jettisoned almost all the money.) [Tampa Tribune, 8-10-06]

Ouch, to say the least.

I say all the cops have to do is go down to the local lake, and look for a guy who's fishing for trouser trout. Or, perhaps go to the grocery store and look for a guy who's shopping for tube steak.

From an Atlanta police report, summarized in a July issue of the weekly Creative Loafing: A man working on a house on Smith Street was taken to Grady Memorial Hospital with serious injuries to his posterior. He happened to be bending over next to a wall that, unknown to him, a worker on the other side was drilling into, and the drill bit entered his "anal cavity." [Creative Loafing (Atlanta), 7-5-06]

Besides, I think that guy has suffered enough.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

123beta sent these my way some time ago when they were fresh to help me out when I couldn't blog as frequently. But, I wasn't around the computer to post them, so here they are now.

Pregnant man?

Ew.

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

Songs we can do without. Forever.

I concur. I mean, really, I concur wholeheartedly.

Impersonating a pussy...

That's funny. What a brat.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink

It seems they've come out with a list of some shameful surnames.

Variations on a theme show Handcock, Glasscock, Hickinbottom, Shufflebottom and Winterbottom are also among the names people have been most desperate to shake-off in the last 100 years.

The number of people with the surname Cock is now at only a quarter of the level it was in 1881, putting it at the top of the list compiled by a team of geographers at the Centre for Advanced Spatial Analysis at University College London (UCL).

I'm no Stranger to Cock.

You have a Haggard and Smellie old Willie.

Boy, you're Daft and Slow.

Here's the complete list of shameful surnames.

Oh Burns, I don't see my last name on that list.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

In Vietnam, it's sex toy detection.

Apparently, a number of Chinese sex toys, stimulants, and other sex aids were seized in Vietnam.

Authorities in Vietnam's southern commercial hub of Ho Chi Minh City seized one ton of Chinese-made sex toys, aphrodisiacs and other sexual stimulants, state-controlled media reported Friday.

Police and market inspectors Thursday confiscated the illegal shipment, which included more than 10,000 tablets of Viagra, sex toys and sexual stimulants in the form of tablets, powder and liquid hidden in a truckload of onions.

Right.

As if the officers weren't stocking up for their own personal use.

All I can say is that I'm glad I'm not living in Vietnam right now.

Yup, I'm here in good ol' North America where the sex implements flow freely and are ready at hand.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

And, yes, I realise that Lostinlimaohio posted on this news bit already, but I've come up with a few catch phrases that amused me, so they may amuse you a little too.

Gas prices really are bad these days.

Or, is it sex trade business is that bad?

Either way, a brothel in Sydney, Australia is giving petrol discounts to clients who use one of their "service providers".

So, I wonder how they are planning on marketing this concept?

I've got a few suggested catch phrases:

1. Come in for a f*ck and some fumes.

2. Treat yourself to some petrol and poontang.

3. Come see us for a crude show and get a bit of crude oil.

4. We're all oiled up for your pleasure!

5. We have Texas Tea and Sydney T&A.

Bonus: It's a gas at Madam Kerry's brothel!

Okay, I'm done, but maybe you have some better ones to share with us.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Here's somemore great news bits from Jim.

Jay and Laura Flynn of Lilburn, Ga., filed a $111 million lawsuit in June against Home Depot and the maker of Tile Perfect Stand'N Seal Grout Cleaner, charging that a defect caused toxic fumes that permanently destroyed half of Jay's lung capacity, which, among other effects, according to Laura, ended the couple's "extremely active love life." She added, "I mean every day. But now that is over." [WDUN (Gainesville, Ga.)-AP, 6-14-06]

In June, Betty Jean Barachie was sentenced to 27 months in prison for embezzling $1.5 million from her employer so that she could indulge a mindless compulsive-shopping habit; among her inexplicable, 1,500-item haul were 58 coats, 16 chain saws, more than 3,000 books, and a John Deere tractor. [Express-Times (Easton, Pa.)-AP, 6-28-06]

What the...?

That's just flat out insane. I have no further comment.

Thanks, as always, Jim.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It seems China is taking steps to combat airline dangers by insisting that their flight attendants know kung fu.

To work as a flight attendant, young women, for the first time in the country, are to be required to have martial arts skills, sources close to Sichuan Airlines confirmed this week.

Next Thursday, the airline is to recruit 70 hostesses from Chengdu and Chongqing to work for a new flight route from Chengdu to Seoul in South Korea.

One of the priority conditions for candidates will reportedly be knowledge of kung fu, as staff with such experience are believed to be able to help the airlines further secure its aviation safety.

Sumo wrestling stewardesses, that's what we should have in North America.

Actually, in Canada, one way to stop disgruntled flyers, or terrorists, from making a$$es of themselves could be to have a drunken b*tches cabin crew.

That'll shut up the jerks on board.

B*tch slap 'em around a little.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

If you're heading to New Zealand this few week, you might want to catch the topless pornstar parade on August 25.

A lunchtime parade of topless porn stars down the main street of New Zealand's biggest city has been given official approval, as no laws will be broken.

The parade later this month will feature up to 30 porn stars riding on the back of motorcycles or in open cars through Auckland's CBD to promote an erotica exposition.

Councilor Noelene Raffills said the parade would be too distracting for a central shopping district during the busy noontime.

"It is not like a television set you can turn off or a book you can shut," Raffills was reported telling The New Zealand Herald newspaper Tuesday.

As if that's such a worry considering it will likely draw in large crowds that would not normally shop there.

I'm guessing that instead, they will gain more shoppers who will be looking in on the parade and shopping afterwards by making a day out of it.

As for other New Zealand news, apparently people there are registering their vehicles as hearses to get discounts on their insurance costs.

Canny New Zealanders have reportedly taken to registering their cars as hearses to take advantage of a loophole giving part-time undertakers a discount on their fee.

Many motorists in the city of Christchurch had managed to slash their registration from the normal levy of $160 to the special $37 rate for "non-commercial hearses," radio station NewstalkZB reported.

It said some road users had successfully argued their vehicle qualified as a hearse because it was used to bring dead chickens home from the supermarket.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

Here are a couple of offbeat news bits found and submitted by Jim.

Conservative legislators in Ottawa, as has happened in similar cases, became enraged in June after learning that the Canada Council for the Arts had given $9,000 (Cdn) to performance artist Jess Dobkin to stage Lactation Station, a bar serving human breast milk from six contributors in a setting similar to a wine-tasting. [Canadian Press, 6-16-06]

Okay, that's gross.

And, the final story is one of the breastiest:

A Brazilian woman, shot in crossfire between police and drug dealers, was saved by her silicone breast implants. Doctors said the silicone had slowed the bullet up enough to prevent it from causing her a serious injury. Jane Selma Soares was caught up in shooting between police officers and drug traffickers in Rio de Janeiro. She told Las Ultimas Noticias newspaper that even though she tried to hide, a bullet hit her in the chest. When she got to a nearby hospital doctors realised her implants had stopped the bullet entering her body further. The doctor who treated her said: "If there was no silicone the bullet could have reached a vital organ causing serious damage." A plastic surgeon was called in to fix the damage and took the opportunity to increase the size of Mrs Soares' breasts with more silicone. She said: "I'm twice happy, first because my prosthesis saved my life and also because now I look even more beautiful." [Story filed: 14:48 Monday 23rd December 2002]

Well, I'm not buying it.

Lol, yay, now I can put my name up with Charlie Sheen and other conspiracy theory wackos because I just created one of my own.

Thanks again Jim.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It seems there is a hen in Sweden with some bizarre traits.

A hen in southern Sweden that has grown a rooster comb, tail and wattle and begun to crow is wreaking havoc in its henhouse, where the rooster, Henry VIII, is hopping mad, Swedish media reported on Friday.

"Henry VIII is bloody angry. The other hens are mostly just surprised but they seem to increasingly accept him or her," the owner of the henhouse, Christel Hammar-Malmgren, told the online edition of regional daily Blekinge Laens Tidning.

And, get this, the hen's name is Anne Boleyn.

I guess she was just trying to be the "glass of fashion" among the other hens (read more on Anne Boleyn's life if you don't get this reference, but want to).

Anyhow, the owner claims that she will not "end Anne Boleyn's days prematurely."

But, who know's what Henry VIII is capable of.

I'm guessing that the next thing we read in the news about the chicken is that Henry VIII will bite off her head.

You know, you've got to be true to history even if you're just a chicken.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Apparently, some people in Brazil thought it would be a good idea to have a play staged in bathroom.

A new play set and staged in a bathroom is a surprise hit in the Brazilian city of Sao Paulo.

The play, entitled Thorough Search, is staged in a bathroom at the Renaissance Theatre, reports Folha de Sao Paulo.

Only 30 people can fit inside the bathroom and they have to remain standing during the 30-minute performance.

A spokesperson for the producers said: "We are a huge sucess. We have to perform extra shows every week!"

I wonder if this is an audience participation play.

"I'll be out in a minute."

I guess I should just be glad it's not a musical.

Or, is it?

That would be an extremely sh*tty performance.

*pffftttt* *toot* *splatter*

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Never mess with a pig and his alcohol.

Well, animal cruelty whiners aren't heeding that message since they've been complaining lately about an Australian bar.

Despite the complaints of animal welfare group, Choose Cruelty Free, an Aussie pub chooses to keep a couple of beer-swilling pigs on site and allows their visitors "to pour bottles of beer down the willing throats of resident pigs Priscilla and P.B."

In the pub owner's defense, she says the pigs like beer, and they only feed them watered-down beverages. She also claims the pigs never get drunk.

Too bad, eh.

No, I'm not for animal cruelty, but I'm sure animals like to get p*ssed out of their tree just like we do on occasion, lol.

I mean, how many dipsh*tted friends have you known who've poured a little beer into their dog or cat's bowl? (Or, was it you who did it?)

And, to support the pub owner's claim of treating the pigs fairly, the RSPCA admits that the pub's act, in this situation, is not considered cruetly.

Anyhow, I just have one complaint about the whole issue: they are wasting good beverage on PIGS! What about me? I'm no pig, but I'm thirsty, too.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Don't you just want to say that to some jerks on the road once in a while.

... and that's while you're beating the tar out of him/her.

Well, it seems a woman in Brisbane got pretty ticked off at the vehicle she was travelling behind:

A female driver has taken a wrong turn on her way home - and ended up following a train along a railway line.

Police in Brisbane said the woman, 52, had picked up her daughter from work and was driving home about midnight on Saturday, when she took the wrong turn at a level crossing.

She allegedly drove along the track, honking her car horn at the train as she followed it for 300m before being stuck on the tracks.

She has been charged with dangerous driving.

How does a train get confused for another car, anyhow? I don't know about there, but here, the tail end of a train looks nothing like a car or truck - not even at night!

I think she should be let go without a charge, however. With that kind of stupidity, I'm guessing she doesn't have that long to live anyways.

Lady - the Darwin Awards have their eyes on you.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I've come to the conclusion: Lostinlimaohio is a pervert. Just kidding, but I do wonder how she happens to come across such smut as I'm about to share with you.

Well, if you're hungry for Hungary, then you may also be hungry for sex in Hungary after watching this NSFW tourist video.

As a way of promoting tourism at a Lake Balaton resort,

"the tourism authority is sending around an email with an internet link... to a short cartoon film which features a young blonde woman having sex with a married man on a fishing boat on the lake."

Quite funny.

According to others, the song played in the background for this video is an 80's remix of a song called Balaton Summer. Apparently, the song and the video are closely related as they both depict adultery and waterside romance.

And, when interviewed, the director of MT Rt's Balaton Region Tourism Project Office, Barbara Dani stated,

"I don't think the clip is overly sexual.

Instead, I think it evokes memories and shows experiences that can be expected when we spend our vacation at Balaton."

I mean, if that doesn't depict animalistic lovin', then let's all go there to experience what IS sexual to them, lol.

And, if that video doesn't peak your interest, you may find this Go Israel one a little more to your tastes. Also funny.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Recently, there has been a slight outrage over some guy's discriminatory sign against a neighbourhood developmentally challenged boy.

The man chose to hang a cardboard sign, stating "Caution Retard's in Area", on a tree, which is directed at the 13 year old boy who's developmentally delayed (I'll overlook the fact that the man wrote the sign with incorrect punctuation - what a 'tard, eh)

Well, in this day and age of being more aware of others and acknowledging them for who they are, I thought a more appropriate use of the sign would be:

Thanks to MR.BIG for the photoshop work.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Caution: Big Laugh in Area [by The Waterglass]
Blinding Flash of the Obvious? [by Yippee-Ki-Yay!]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Sounds like a typical night out on the town, eh?

In Waupun, Wis., in June, a 36-year-old man filed a police complaint against a female bartender at the Alcatraz Pub because she injured him by aggressively nuzzling him to her bosom during horseplay at the bar. [Fond du Lac Reporter, 6-19-06]

My only conclusion is he must have been gay. I see no other reason for the complaint, unless, of course, she's a rich bartender and he knew it and now he's trying to get a little of her wealth. But, rich bartender? I doubt it.

Speaking to an international medical meeting in Prague in June, Israeli fertility doctor Shevach Friedler said his research team had found that women exposed to brief entertainment by clowns were successful at in-vitro fertilization at almost twice the rate of women who had no clown exposure. Friedler, who is also a trained mime, attributed the difference to greater stress reduction. [MSNBC-Reuters, 6-21-06]

What in the world was this doctor on to even THINK to use clowns in his research? Must have been a The Simpsons fan.

Joseph Weir, 23, who confessed to New York City police in May to forcibly licking the feet of as many as 70 women, said he didn't mean to hurt anyone but just wanted "to make them laugh and smile and open to talk to me." "I get on my knees, grab their feet and bow," he said (according to a New York Post story). "I compliment women, I bow to them." [New York Post, 5-11-06]

Hey, you know what might also make someone laugh: tell a funny joke. But, whatever, licking feet might work too.

The Supreme Court of Canada affirmed in June that a woman divorced seven years ago is still so fragile from her husband's leaving her that she should continue to get spousal support (in spite of Canada's no-fault divorce law). [Globe and Mail-Canadian Press, 6-20-06]

"Oh whoa is me, I have no life, so much so that I have to dwell on something that happened 7 years ago." Man, for her to even try to get more money off an ex after 7 years suggests that she really is stuck in the past and perhaps even detests him that much to this day. Lady, move on! Let me guess - HE divorced YOU. And, I'm also guessing he was brilliant to do so.

This has been more great news submitted by Jim. Thanks Jim.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Forget penile implants, try endangered species eggs.

It seems some Australian man, Wayne Floyd, thought he'd be a genius and stuff 6 eggs in his underwear as a way of smuggling the eggs to Bangkok.

Of course, like any criminal, the man had a lame-arse defense and claimed that he did it in the hopes of surprising his girlfriend.

"Surprise! You're dating an idiot!"

Floyd was about to board a flight from Sydney to Bangkok, Thailand, last November when a customs officer frisked him and noticed a suspicious bulge around his groin, the New South Wales District Court was told. A strip search revealed six eggs hidden inside a stocking in his underwear.

I don't know about you, but I'm sure somewhere there's a good joke about this story in relation to his destination: Bangkok.

Bangkok, egg, in his underwear. It's got to write itself.

And, let's just forget about those "is that an egg in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?" jokes.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

123beta shared this juicy news tidbit that he found over at Deadspin, and I would feel shamed not to share it with you all.

Somehow, I've just got to get myself to England on August 5th this summer.

Apparently, the UK is hosting its first ever "masturbate-a-thon" as part of "Wank week". The massive jerk off session is intended to raise money for safe sex charities.

Prizes will be on offer for those who clock up the most orgasms and those who can masturbate the longest - the current record, according to the organisers, is a chafing eight-and-a-half hours.

You know, I'm thinking on August 5th, no matter where you are in the world, you should participate in support. Not, you know, to raise charity money or anything (unless you want to), but merely because it would be so freaking funny to know that thousands of people around the world would be pleasuring themselves all at the same time.

A global orgy, so to speak.

And, hey, kinda looks like some celebrities have been practising for the competition. I mean, just look at the massive size of Madonna's vibrator.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

I wish that were true, I'd start smoking just to try to quit, lol.

But, anyhow, this is the strategy of a zoo in China to get their chimp, Xiku, to quit chain-smoking.

XIKU the chain-smoking chimpanzee has almost kicked his deadly habit thanks to the efforts of zoo keepers in China, but it has taken a beer or two to help get him through detox.

It's just a little pointless.

I've also written about alcoholic chimps.

What the frick is the problem with some zookeepers? Get the chimp off one vice and onto another?

How is moving from lung cancer to liver failure a solution to the problem?

I still agree with Dragonlady's World that all they have to do is stop providing the problems to the animals, and they'll have no choice, but to quit.

And, if that fails, provide the chimps with animal psychology: Is Jane Goodall still around?

Lol. A$$clowns!

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Thanks again Jim for sending these funny, but true news bits.

A 5-year-old boy in Broward County, Fla., preparing to enter kindergarten, is believed by gender-identity experts to be the youngest kid in the country whose family supports his decision to live completely as the other sex (according to a May profile in New Times Broward-Palm Beach). The parents doubt that the unnamed now-girl (dubbed "Nicole Anderson" in the article) is "just going through a phase," because of "her" early, constant, and insistent female preferences and comments, e.g., "I want the fairy princess to come and make my penis into a vagina." [New Times Broward- Palm Beach, 5-18-06]

You know, I know some 5 year olds who want to be astronauts; should we send them into space, too?

A British government agency recently decided to spend the equivalent of $33 million over 10 years to encourage women and minorities to become fishermen (or fisherwomen) because too many anglers are white, male and middle-aged; a Welsh pilot project, for example, teaches Muslim women and children to fish for trout. [UPI, 4-2-06]

Teach a woman to fish by having her nag the fish to death (oooo, burn on my own gender, for shame Sam, for shame)

Ernest G. Johnson, 42, was arrested in Shreveport, La., in May after he, posing as an insurance company employee, roamed the corridors at LSU Hospital seeking to photograph women wearing casts. Said a police detective, "It's like all he wants is to be in the presence of a woman with a cast on and have her attention." [KTBS-TV (Shreveport), 5-22-06]

Maybe that's the only way he can get a date - if they're incapacitated.

And in April in Wausau, Wis., Thomas Vogedes, 58, was sentenced to six months' probation for incidents in which he hung dozens of bras and panties (new and used) from car mirrors and videotaped them. [Wausau Daily Herald, 4- 5-06]

Uhhhh... okay.

They're going to have to start making up names for all these new sexual fetishes; society seems to be getting really nuts.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I thank Jim for sending me these funny tidbits from time to time. What a crazy world we live in - it's full of butty goodness.

In April, according to a report in the Lincoln (Neb.) Journal-Star, a 38-year-old man appeared at the ER at BryanLGH Medical Center West in Lincoln with a 20-ounce soft drink bottle lodged in his rectum. [Lincoln Journal Star, 4-12-06]

Well, I guess that's one way to to get the lid off.

Also in April, according to a report in The Capital (Annapolis, Md.), a former restaurant manager was acquitted of assaulting one of his then-employees, heightening the mystery behind the alleged assault (in which the employee had been found in June 2005 in an alley behind the restaurant with a garden hose's nozzle end stuck in his rectum). [The Capital (Annapolis), 4-13-06]

That must have been the home kit enema.

April - authorities at El Salvador's La Esperanza prison near San Salvador arrested visitor Lidia Alvarado for allegedly trying to smuggle an M-67 grenade to inmates by stuffing it inside her vagina. [KTRK-TV (Houston)-AP, 4-19-06]

Now that's what I call an explosive coochie.

In May, a judge in Edmonton, Alberta, ordered Shee Theng, 30, to serve a nine-month community-control sentence for partially scalping his then-girlfriend by attempting to "style" her hair with a power drill, a technique he said he learned about on a TV infomercial. Theng admitted that he knew it was a bad idea because he had previously screwed up his own hair trying it out. [Edmonton Sun, 5-11-06]

She should just be thanking her lucky stars he didn't trip while styling her hair with that drill. She'd have a little more than scalping done; she could have had a full frontal lobotomy.

Idiots.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:04 AM | Permalink

For all those men and women out there who complain about the discomfort or annoyance of a condom, just thank your lucky stars you didn't live in the 1600s.

Here's an image and write up about the world's oldest condom dated 1640.

Nothing like a little pig intestine and warm milk to get you in the mood.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

It seems the airport terminal 5 in Stockholm, Sweden is being equipped with unique bathroom decor.

Now, when men go to piddle in the urinals, they will be able to see

"glass artwork portraying a flower-filled Swedish meadow around and above the men's urinals, with a view through a glass facade onto the tarmac below."

And, ladies haven't been left out as they receive a view of "glass artworks, in the shape of giant red buttercups."

How purdy.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Hat Tip: Where are my socks? for encouraging me to write on this one.

Ya, get off the road, motherf*#$ers, how dare drivers use the street to drive. Of all the nerve using the road for its intended purpose.

All the while I'm risking my nudey body - life, limb, and member.

Yes, I'm talking about those nude protesters.

THOUSANDS of nude cyclists pedalled around some of the world's cities at the weekend to protest against car-clogged streets and demand greater respect.

I don't know about you, but the image on that guy's backside looks like a target to me.

;-D

Naked speedbumps.

The protesters had signs and slogans such as "one car less" and "bio methanol".

I don't know about one less car, but I know there will be one less idiot cycling on the road after the dude smacks the rubble for riding without any protective gear.

And, if you're wondering why they chose to go naked, here's their lame ARSE excuse:

"We feel naked when up against traffic because people don't see the bicycle as just another means of transport."

They also say that the event brought smiles to people's faces, but I'm sure it was more like uncontrollable laughter.

Morons.

Warning: The following link may cause you to lose your lunch. Oh ya, and it's NSFW.

Now, if you want to check out more naked protesters from other events around the world, check out this Not Safe For Work website.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

What the h*ll is with zookeepers experimenting on their animals?

In an article, it was reported that

Monkeys and apes in Budapest's Zoo drink their way through 55 litres of red wine each year, albeit in small quantities each day, to help boost their red blood cells, the zoo said on Monday.

"Obviously, they do not have it all at once and get drunk, but they get it in small amounts mixed in their tea," Hanga said.

And, bull-f*cking-sh*t that they need it to boost their red blood cells. Like there's red wine in their natural frickin' habitat.

Hey bozos, there's no f*cking AA for primates, eh. You morons.

You know, Dragonlady's World put her opinion in on such matters so eloquently almost a year ago when zookeepers in China were trying to get a chimp to quit smoking:

Hey, here's a suggestion. Don't give the chimp cigarettes!

Assclowns.

Here's a suggestion to those zookeeps in Budapest. Don't give the monkeys and apes wine!

Double a$$clowns.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Idiots [by DragonLady's World]

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Posted by Samantha at 07:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Plus, Man on trial for assault slaps his lawyer - in front of the judge and jury.

Alternative heading to these stories, How To Know If Your Client Is Guilty.

Uh, ya, I think they did it.

But, I think the murder story is more interesting, so I'll just write about that one.

The suspect of the murder case, John Gomes, about to go on trial in Boston,

"used his handcuffs in a failed attempt to strangle his defense attorney, a report said Wednesday."

It is believed that it was a premeditated attempt to stop the court proceedings.

All it ended up doing was costing the alleged criminal more potential prison time as he was taken back and also charged with armed assault with intent to murder.

I don't know about you, but if I was that attorney, I'd drop him as a client.

Lol.

Just wait until he attacks the judge and jury.

There's a lesson in this folks. If you're going to try and stop yourself from being put in jail for murder, it's probably not the best idea to attempt murder in the process, especially not in front of your judge and jury.

Idiot.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Canada tests armament in England before the inevitable attack on the USA.

That should have been the title to this article.

First, we attacked with maple syrup and Celine Dion, then we deployed out Goose Special Forces, and now Canada is taking the US invasion to the next level: french fry grenades.

But, before we can move to that level, we've had to test the strategy out on our motherland, England.

Workers at a french fries factory in northern England had to be evacuated on two consecutive days last week when armaments suspected to date back to World Wars I and II were discovered in batches of imported European potatoes.

Canadian-based McCain Foods -- the world's largest producer of frozen french fries -- said employees at its plant in Scarborough discovered a suspected hand grenade on Saturday, a day after a shell tip was found among a batch of potatoes.

You see, if we can smuggle in our highly useful weaponry to a country, then send our troops next, they can assemble the pieces and begin the attack before anyone would be the wiser.

Unfortunately, the kinks still need to be worked out considering the secret mission was exposed. Back to square one.

Our goal remains - to slowly take over north america, AND THEN THE WORLD!

(And yes, we have to use WW1 and WW2 ammo; it's all we've got other than our navy tugboat)

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

I think my page views and readership might have gone up just a smidge if I'd have thought of this spiffy gimmick.

Apparently, a model named Chantal has been covered in a million little Swarovski crystals and is slowly being undressed at this website.

All one has to do to see more of Chantal is bid on a crystal or two at ebay (go to their site to find out more, if interested).

And the last successful bidder will have the final crystal delivered personally by 20-year-old Chantal - wherever they are in the world.

"Uh, I'll take the crotch crystal for a buck."

Ya, no thanks. I'm not about to pay $1.50 for some d*mn rhinestone cr*p.

I'm just kicking my butt that I didn't think of such a gnarly blogging gimmick.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Lady, I think it's time for you to find a new friend.

I'm sharing this story with you in full because it's just too funny.

A German woman left her friend as a deposit at a gas station because she did not have enough cash to pay for her petrol, police said Wednesday.

"She didn't have enough money to pay the bill, so her friend stayed behind as a human deposit while she went to withdraw cash," said a spokesman for police in the southern town of Muenchberg. "Unfortunately, the woman did not return."

Two hours after the 20-year-old driver left, the gas station called the police, who interrogated the stranded "deposit" before releasing her. Police are investigating the driver on suspicion of fraud.

I guess this is a new way of thinking about human deposits.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

I guess "someone" wasn't too happy with this priest's behaviour because he ended up getting caught red handed.

While a priest was visiting a strip club in Romania, his car was broken into and £4000 taken from it.

Hmmm... who are we supposed to be most disgusted with, the robber or the priest?

Those who were in the strip club with the priest at the time said,

"he was being free with his money, hiring all of the dancers to perform for him and his friends."

They say that church authorities will investigate the matter, but we all know how well they do with their probes (horrible pun intended).

I expect this case and future ones to be overlooked for as long as possible.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Richard Moriarty bolted his 1974 Lamborghini onto his wall.

Well, that's interesting, but what I really think is cool is the guy's last name. Maybe he got all his riches from his dealings as Sherlocke Holmes' archenemy.

Okay, I'm a dweeb.

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Posted by Samantha at 09:58 AM | Permalink

Well, now the people of Japan can get their O² fix at their nearest 7-11.

Apparently, the Japanese don't realise the stuff is free if they simply took a breath inward.

Their claim is that they need the extra oxygen fix at times when they are stressed or tired, and they have even opened some oxygen bars.

"A drop in the amount of oxygen in the body can make people start to yawn and sigh. Normal air contains only about 21 percent oxygen, but the oxygen concentration in the cans is 95 percent, and breathing it in can reportedly bring on a feeling of invigoration."

Workaholic-ism obviously isn't doing you any well.

And, I can see it now.

People will start getting hooked on O² juice, perhaps even calling it O²J, and they will become destitute looking to get their fix daily. Their need for the fix will get stronger and they will require more and more of it until they end up panhandling on the streets for a little O²J money.

Plus, as was humorously written in The Simpsons, people may overdose and get the bends.

And, we can't have that happening. But, I guess it's better that being a CO² junky.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It seems a British couple who married via radio are divorcing via idiocy.

For those unaware, the couple was selected out of 250 contestants to participate in a blind marriage, but have split after only 3 months.

Gee, you'd think they would have learned from the first radio show stranger marriage that failed in 3 months.

It seems with this latest couple, Craig Cooper and Becky Duffy, that after the "marriage", Mr. Cooper was leaving flirtatious text messages to some other chick.

Ya, this whole thing is real smart.

This is an excellent way to devalue the sanctity of marriage.

Everyone seems to get so upset and appalled that divorce rates are high, and question what's wrong with our world and all that, but many of those complaining are the same ones listening to this kind of drivel.

What a raunchy way to look at something so important in our society.

I'm afraid I have too much respect for such a union to support the boobery that goes on in some of these shows.

And, I know I'm not alone in this belief. Why treat something this significant as an "experiment"?

Or, perhaps a better question, what did the winners of the contest receive for prizes to make it worth their while to disgrace such a bond?

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I've written about nutty New Delhi stories before, and this one is no exception.

Apparently, a man decided he'd rather live in a tree for 50 years than try to work things out with his wife.

The man, Gayadhar Parida, got into a tiff with his wife 50 years ago about something seemingly very trivial (although the story does state just what the conflict was), and he climbed up a tree.

Who knows why he chose a tree. I mean, aren't they allowed to divorce there or something? Or take an apartment separate from the wife?

Geesh.

Parida's strange abode is a makeshift shed on a tree, located about half a kilometre from his actual house. For many years Parida lived in a mango tree, but was forced to move to his new address after the tree collapsed in a storm.

And, the guy's son is 55, which means Parida went into the tree when his son was 5 years old. Imagine growing up with your daddy living in a tree.

I suspect that kid requires a lot of therapy: "my dad's a sloth".

And, what's with the wife?

I'd have left that bum decades ago. Actually, I'd use a few of those years to go out and throw rocks at him to see if I could knock the fool down, lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

There is a penis painter in Australia, and no he doesn't paint penises, he paints WITH his penis.

Yes, Tim Patch chose to paint using his shlong as a paintbrush after a friend of his encouraged him.

But, his father doesn't seem too pleased with it (and I don't blame him), with his only response to it all was "oh dear, oh dear, oh dear".

Right now, his art work, including one of Australian Prime Minister John Howard and one of opposition leader Kim Beazley, can be found at the Aussie Sexpo.

Forget the painting, let's hear more about this Sexpo thing!

Intriguing.

And, I don't know about you, but I highly doubt that in the future, they'll be saying, "wow, that's a Tim Patch original" or "I'm the proud owner of a Tim Patch painting".

I seriously think this guy should change his name to Dick Johnson; it would go so well with his "art".

But, this is not a totally unique idea. In my art classes, I did hear of women using their breasts as their painting tool.

Hmmm... now there's a thought, lol.

Maybe I could sell some Samantha Burns originals that way.

And, surfing around, I did find an example of this unique art; and hey, you could even say this is the breast painting you saw.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

It wasn't such a barrel of laughs for a bunch of Hungarian builders drinking hooch.

The Hungarians decided to polish off a barrel of rum while renovating a home, and to their surprise, a naked body was found inside the barrel after they'd finished it.

The workers stated that the rum had a "special taste" to it, and some even bottled some of the liquor to take home with them.

Special taste all right.

Ew.

It later became known that the naked male body was shipped from Jamaica by the man's wife 20 years earlier as a way of avoiding costs and paperwork.

What people will do to save a buck, eh, lol.

Gak! That barrel should have had a warning label on it... aged to perfection by corpse. Taste the *cadavery goodness*.

Perhaps this is will become a new fad. You know, like eating the Tequila worm.

Again, ew.

But, one thing's for sure...

those were very unique rum balls.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I just found this news bit, and it's pretty messed up.

It seems a 10 year old boy performed some grotesque behaviours outside a preschool in New Zealand.

The boy apparently hung out at the preschool with a bunch of friends and decided to take it upon himself to piss on the outside eating table, smear poop over the doors of the building, write crude messages on the windows with lipstick, and litter condoms around the playground.

First off, what's a 10 year old doing with condoms?

Geesh.

But, I'm guessing the apple doesn't fall far from the tree because it mentions that his parents are known to the police.

And, what's worse is that they say not much can be done to punish the kid due to his age.

Uh... try making something up, eh.

Like, perhaps, give this little runt a swift kick in the arse.

And, the boy told the youth officer in charge that his reason for the behaviour was that he needed to go to the toilet.

The youth officer also stated that due to the boy's age, he did not understand the implications of his actions.

Oh, ya sure.

A frickin' 10 year old doesn't know to use a toilet rather than a preschool to do his dirty work.

Whatever.

Talk about lazy policing.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

In Syria, they have a doll named Fulla similar to the Barbie, but this one wears a black abaya and matching head scarf. It seems that young girls there are obsessed with Fulla, who has her own prayer rug, and parents are hoping this doll will instill valuable morals and career goals in their children. It is expected that the Fulla doll will soon come in the form of a Doctor and Teacher, which are two respected careers for women.

Fulla sells for about $16 US, which seems pretty steep for a country who's average household income is around $100 per month. For girls, and many parents, "it has to be Fulla".

Sounds a lot like North American children, "I want, I want, I want" must be a global phrase.

I wonder if they'll ever consider coming out with a G.I. Jihad to date and do it with Fulla. I also wonder if the boys there do what the boys here did to Barbie and rip off Fulla's head and melt her body.

For me, it's good to know that a somewhat similar version of Barbie exists. It's depressing to see girls miss out on all the learning they could be doing with their Barbies because they are too busy escaping into the mind numbing, pathetic video game drone.

Ya, sure, you're going to claim that games teach kids this and that, but how much can they actually learn when they are just running/jumping, running/jumping, running/jumping repeatedly. It's so boring to watch kids play that s**t because there's nothing important about the games.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

... with food.

It seems a Chinese village is holding a banquet for 200 fiesty cats as a reward for their "hard work".

Hard work?

Cats?

How many rats do these people have that they need to thank cats for their hard work?

Maybe they're just feeling guilty because it's the year of the dog and they feel their cats are being ignored.

Actually, it has to do with how many rats they exterminated from the land.

"Residents of Sanjiang, in Guangdong province, wanted to thank the cats for eradicating rats from their farms."

I just worry about the cats for next year.

They say that

"the village suffered a rat infestation after snakes were caught and slaughtered by local residents in previous years."

When will the cycle end?

Won't somebody please think of pussy?

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Oh wait, no he doesn't.

At least, not since the Serbian guy sewed up his lips and tongue to avoid a court hearing in a robbery case.

The wacky 27 year old Serbian used a needle, thread, and safety pins to sew his lips and tongue together while he was in prison awaiting his trial.

They say "a stitch in time saves nine", but this guy ended up doing the opposite with his stitches - because now he has to wait longer for his comuffins.

He is one of 6 charged in a 2003 bank robbery who took off with about $153,000 Cdn (which is probably, what, $2 billion US? lol).

They believe the sewing items were smuggled into the prison.

I bet he could have really used some smuggled-in anesthetic, too.

Ouch.

The prison surgeon (a job I wouldn't want) removed the stitching, but the guy lost too much blood over the whole ordeal and was too weak to appear in court afterall.

Of course, by this story, I would believe that he stitched himself to avoid having to tell the truth and probably his guilt.

But, his lawyer thinks otherwise. She stated that,

"He likely wanted to protest the unfair length of his imprisonment pending trial."

As if he'd stitch himself up so that he'd have to stay in prison even longer until he could speak in court.

But, who knows what nutzo's are thinking, eh?

Maybe he just thought he needed something to do to pass the time. Or, maybe he's just one of those people who gets off on body mutilation, and he was, uh, "nicking out" for some pain.

Whatever.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It seems a bunny wedding set up as a tourist attraction for Easter has sparked some controversy by animal rights nuts.

Rabbits Amy and Roberto (Roberto: considered the biggest rabbit in the world) wore their best wedding attire to the ceremony and retired to enjoy a little carrot cake.

How fitting.

The animal rights people people state,

"We would be opposed to anything that would cause distress or suffering to animals and we are opposed to the dressing up of animals as it belittles them."

Ha ha, ya. Sorry, silly humour there.

Those freaking out about it claim that it is not fair to the animals as they are not toys to be dressed up.

Oh whoa is me, not funny little bunny costumes.

Foreshame!

What fool would think the rabbits give a d*mn if they're getting fake married or not?

I've got a feeling that protesters like that were the kinds of kids growing up who would cry every time they heard the song, "little bunny foo-foo hoppin' through the forest, scoopin' up the field mice and boppin' em on the head".

Heh.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Wacko Watch [by Capital Region People]
Chocolate Funnies [by Andy's Blog]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

It seems in New Delhi the thought is that housewives aren't as great to have as donkeys are.

A school textbook writes,

"A donkey is like a housewife ... In fact, the donkey is a shade better, for while the housewife may sometimes complain and walk off to her parents' home, you'll never catch the donkey being disloyal to his master."

Gee, ya think it would spark protest?

But, I guess the comment wasn't too far off since it caused women to complain, lol.

What irony.

And, a state official mentioned, "the comparison was made in good humor."

Ha, ha. Funny.

Idiots.

But, the same could be said for men, you know.

Ladies, go ahead, trade your a$$ in for a donkey.

Kidding, of course, donkey's can be just as stubborn.

But, I wonder, is New Delhi the place where beastiality originated? I mean, they do have a history of people/animal marriage and such.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Thanks to Selfishly Asleep for sending this link and who mentions that this guy's making a name for himself in the world.

It's the husband on strike, and he's not all he's cracked up to be.

Apparently, this guy's intent was to strike against his wife for more private time with her. I think the kids were soaking up all his wife's time and using their bedroom as a playroom, or something like that.

You know what would be more effective, making out with her while the kids were in the room, either she'd get so embarrassed, she'd kick the kids out once and for all, or the kids would leave as a result of embarrassment. But, perhaps that goes against his court instructions.

Of course, his sexcapade doesn't end with the roof top battle. He's also recently been outed for having a shady past as a registered sex offender.

"In 1995, Wilson, now 33, pleaded guilty to second-degree criminal sexual conduct."

"I’m not a criminal."

And, a registered one at that.

For some reason, his wife still supports him, too, stating,

“I just think if people have committed crimes in the past, they should be allowed to move on with their lives.�?

To me, a sex crime is as disturbing as a murder, or the like. It's not something you should just ignore because that's asking for trouble in the future.

It's possible that it may never happen again, but I'm just not willing to take that risk for myself or for those I love and care about.

I don't know what the guy did, and I don't really care. All I know is that it's h*ll on the person who's the victim of the sexual misconduct.

And, that horrid moment lasts for the rest of that person's life, so I don't really sympathise with some guy who basically says, 'aw, it was nothing, but water under the bridge'.

I don't think so, bub!

So, Selfishly Asleep was right, alright. The guy is making a name for himself... but unfortunately for him, it's not a good one.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This is so very Homer-esque!

Apparently, German authorities have had to change 150 locks at a nearby nuclear power plant, or should I say nuclear panner plant, because they had lost the keys.

The Philippsburg nucular plant lost 12 keys in March, and a spokesperson stated,

"This has never happened anywhere in Germany before. The keys have simply disappeared."

I really what to know what the person who lost the keys looks like. I'm envisioning a fat, bald man in a white short-sleeved shirt and blue pants.

And, why has this never been an episode on The Simpsons?

It's perfect!

I hope the news article will provide the writers with at least one story to work with, because this is too funny.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Right?

I mean it's the only explanation for why a Chinese woman is living in a cage with 300 other birds.

The woman was chosen out of 70 volunteers to cage herself in the middle of a park, suspended 12 feet above ground, for 7 days.

The cage is equipped with a bed and a computer with internet, and she is to

"increase her awareness of conservation by experiencing the pain of a caged bird".

Seriously, how, praytell, does living with 300 birds bring one a greater awareness of being a caged bird? Is it typical for a bird owner to keep 300 birds in one cage?

I mean, other than me and my 300 birds that is.

Plus, it may just be me, but I don't think birds get the privilege of internet use while living in a cage.

Of course, we're not stupid, we all know this is merely a publicity stunt for some animal rights nutjob brigade, and the computer is just for communication on the "oh whoa is me" stories this woman (or is that womyn) will spew.

I don't know about you, but it's not everyday that I see 300 birds caged up. I'd rather see them frying up, wrapped in a little bread batter, and then eaten by me.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Seems lawsuits are happening at a younger age these days.

An 11 year old boy is reportedly suing a website over an offensive commercial referring to his name.

The boy's name is Hari, and the commercial apparently used the name Hari in this scenario:

"a man makes a dinner reservation for his obviously obnoxious boss, named Hari Sadu, by saying: "That's H for Hitler, A for Arrogant, R for Rascal and I for ... Idiot."

But, good for the website since they are sticking to their guns and not pulling the ad. Regardless of the lawsuit, the company says Hari is a very common name and they have no reason to pull it.

Personally, I think they got the "i" correct. And, maybe a little of the "a" and the "r".

And, perhaps they got a tad of the "H" right, too, since the kid is attempting to restrict certain freedoms.

If anything, they should be confronting the school about the verbal bullying.

So, when's someone going to say something negative about my name:

Sam - That's S for Stupid, A for Annoying, and M for... Moron.

Pretty lame to sue over a dumb commercial like that.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

So, nyah!

Where Are My Socks? informed me of this article about Canadians being ostracized from a Seoul organisation that claims to promote cultural understanding.

Duh, h'okay then.

Although the group prides itself on the notion of bringing "together all nationalities to discuss world issues and break down cultural barriers and prejudices", it stipulates "no Canadians please".

Talk about a perfect example of irony.

When contacted further, the group organiser added,

"The thing is, CANADIANS ARE SCUM! They are self-loving, welfare supporting, over taxing, work ethic hating scum!!!"

Lol.

I don't know. I got a feeling it has to do with all our educated university graduates heading over there to teach English to those who want to get ahead in life.

Seriously, we have tons of Canucks going to Asian countries, particularly Korea, to teach English. I even considered it myself at one point.

Perhaps there's a little bit of jealousy over there about us taking over some of their teaching jobs and trying to assist those who want to acquire a universal language.

I'm only guessing.

It could also be because we are a part of the first world, and they hate us for our freedom. But, I can't generalise, I suppose.

It's just one ignorant group.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
"There are only two things I can't stand in this w [by The World According to Nick]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

Apparently, Ikea founder, Ingvar Kamprad is feeling all proud of himself for donating $380,000 US to a Lausanne art school.

He's feeling proud because he's normally a very stingy man. So chintzy that he drive a junker of a car - not just a Volvo, but a 17 year old Volvo - and shops for specials at the grocery store.

Recently, Kamprad has been noted by Forbes as being the fourth wealthiest man with $28 billion US.

You know, this is why half the world, or so, starves.

Not because he's stingy - I can relate to that - but because of the money he does blow frivolously is on a flaky art school rather than to "up" the lives of some destitute people out there.

But, I'm not as stingy as this dude.

I'd still own a Jag and a summer home in Hawaii.

No, I wouldn't buy huge chunks of land, or islands, unlike some other rich snoots out there. Just enough to relax comfortably in the sun.

So, what would you do with his sort of wealth?

Imagine, making that much money off cr*ppy furniture. I think I'd use the money to put Ikea and its particle board decor out of business.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Ikea-nomics [by Capital Region People]
Wednesday [by Conservative Cat]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

It seems the Czech Republic has the world's first beer health spa.

Darn, I field tripped in Europe 5 years too early.

Czech Pilsner's the bomb.

The spa has been opened in the cellar of the Chodovar Family brewery, and while there you can receive beer baths, beer massages, and beer cosmetics.

They have 7 beer baths in which you can swim and enjoy a pint at the bathside bar.

So, my question is why not just drink directly from the bath?

Ew.

I suppose it's because, as the owner states, beer can treat many conditions, including skin problems. I guess nobody wants to take a swig from their own bath water if they're a leper, or something.

What I want to know is why us Canadians didn't come up with this fabulous idea years ago.

I COULD BE SOAKING IN BEER RIGHT NOW!

Linked to third world county, blue star chronicles, tmh's bacon bits, conservative cat, don surber, cigar intelligence agency, adam's blog, stuck on stupid, This may or not

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
...Mmmm... Beer, Gurgle.. Real Estate Blog... [by Real Estate Blog]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Hello Britland, here I come.

A recent survey has suggested that one in three Brits conduct telephone calls in the buff.

The survey states that 40% of men admit to making naked calls, while 27% of women admitted to it.

And, that's only those who admit it, so just imagine, lol.

Remind me to bring my cell phone next time I'm visiting the home of a British hotty.

Heh heh.

*ring* *ring*

Oh, you'd better get that -- and don't forget to strip down first.

Which brings to mind this question, do Brits wander around the house nude, or do they just take off their clothes before going to the phone?

Either way, I think I need to go there to investigate the matter.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Don't those b*tches and hoes get enough privileges already?

Fur coats, diamond rings, and all the ping pong balls they can hold.

Yes, I am joking to all those huffing right now.

Australian strippers have won the right to take time off after taking their clothes off.

The country's Industrial Relations Commission on Friday approved new workplace rules for members of the strippers' union, the Striptease Artists Australia."

We've got rights to have public holiday pay now, which we've never had in our career before," said a union spokeswoman called Mystical Melody. "We've got rosters and set hours. We can't work more than 10 hours a shift."

The award also entitles unionized strippers to overtime, rest periods, meal breaks and maternity leave, she added.

"The majority of workers in the industry are women," Melody said, "so it's probably a really great thing for them to be able to feel confident of having a job after they've had their babies."

And, what's more is that they have their own union.

Lol.

Whores Unite!

Now there's a superhero team some men would enjoy fantasizing over.

What gets me is the part about maternity leave. Man, I hope so.

I don't exactly think a prego stripper is all that attractive to the viewer, but I guess I could be wrong.

Or, how about the stretch marks, extra weight, and lactating breasts after having the baby and returning to work?

Ya, I must say, perhaps some rights are welcomed to that "profession".

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Picnic 2006-03-23 [by basil's blog]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

# 69 on your FM dial.

It seems that Brazil is going to be hosting a prostitution radio station in the near future.

The government has approved the concept, enabling FM Radio station, Zona, to start its broadcasting.

The project coordinator stated,

"We are not going to apologize for prostitution but we are going to struggle for the dignity of the profession."

Okay, I agree that it would be good if johns stopped beating/abusing them, but it's not quite a respectable career choice, eh.

The radio programme expects to discuss matters on human rights, social questions, and sexual abuse.

And, you know what, I don't know if they already have it out there or not, but perhaps the next step will be prostitution podcasting. But, if not, maybe they'll have a prostitution television show, or something. Who knows.

All in all, I'm sure the station could be popular if they approach it well. We all seem to love taboo subjects. I mean, here in Canada, we have a radio show turned television show called the Sunday Night Sex Show, and it's a hit. For those unaware, it has some older lady yapping about sex toys, what to do with them, and how to please one another and yourself.

But, my only concern with the prostitution radio show is that this may put the phone sex operators out of business in Brazil - what with radio sex talk taking over.

How's Bertha the housewife with 5 kids and hair in curlers going to keep her job posing as a sexy, sultry phone sex operator?

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It seems the mayor in Wellington, New Zealand is hoping a nude cycle race will be called off.

The mayor claims he is against the race because the nude participants aren't required to wear helmets.

Ya, sure that's the reason.

Couldn't be those raunchy, bare bottoms engulfing the bike seats that's appalling to him, could it be?

There are about 100 people expected in the clothing optional race, which is aimed at promoting safe cycling and alternative energy.

Uh huh. Sure it is.

I'm pretty positive it's all just an excuse for some environmental nutjobs to streak publicly.

Attention-seeking freaks.

Besides, their reasoning for the race sounds rather contradictory. They are claiming to promote safe cycling and yet they're not all wearing helmets?

And, cycling in the buff doesn't sound all that "safe" to me. If they bail on the road, they could rip a nipple or bash a ball, or something.

Well, up to them, I guess. But, I can guarantee I won't be watching. Many of them probably shouldn't even be getting naked to have a shower, let alone bike ride nude in public.

Here are some not safe for work pictures that will make your eyes well up with tears:
London Naked Bike Ride
Nake Bike Rider Photo from Spain

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Posted by Samantha at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Can anyone explain to me why the billionaire's club is such an ugly one?

Combined worth, $2.6 trillion - Combined attractiveness, 0.

But ladies, if you're looking for wealth over anything else, here's the bachelor's slideshow.

I think there's like one or two Bachelorettes in the lot, so good luck fighting over them fellas.

Well... there is always Oprah.

*shudder*

Previous/Related:
Plop Plop, not a good sound?
Oprah Poops Out Again
Maui Wowie
Oprah Pooped On This Time

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Posted by Samantha at 01:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Love is in the air,
From Sudan to New Delhi.

In Sudan, beastiality could end in marriage for you.

A man who was caught in a loving, tender moment with a goat has been forced to marry the creature.

Well, that's one way to make him pay for his crime.

The goat owner caught the man rocking the goat's world, so he captured the man and brought him to the elders who ordered the man to take the goat as his wife and pay the owner a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars.

The owner of the goat stated,

"we have given him the goat, and as far as we know, they are still together."

And, in New Delhi, people will do anything to get in the news as a 7 year old girl has been forced to take a dog as her husband.

The marriage for the girl is expected to ward off the 'evil eye' for her and her family after the girl's upper teeth appeared before her lower teeth - believed to be a bad omen in their culture. But, she will one day be able to marry a real man when she grows up.

The marriage was part of a three day ceremony with festivities.

Thinking about it, this couldn't just be an excuse for a party, now could it?

I just wonder how many little girls in New Delhi have a dog for a hubby. I mean, there's got to be an awful lot of kids who have their upper teeth grow in first.

So, does that mean boys have to marry a female dog? If so, it suggests that they are stuck with a bitch long before most guys are.

Ya, that's right, I just burned my own gender. Bite me.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Many may have heard about it before, but I just couldn't live with myself without reporting on it.

Yes, you heard me correctly, Taiwan has a toilet bowl restaurant.

If you are lucky enough to dine at this elegant restaurant, you will not only get to sit on the piss pot, but you'll get to eat from it as well.

The restaurant, Martun (named after the Chinese word Matong, or "toilet"), serves such edibles as earthy-coloured curry chicken and chocolate ice cream to give you a sense of what goes on behind a bathroom stall... as if you didn't already know.

Of course, the restaurant is purely for oddity and for something to talk about, but it does bring in the crowd.

And, I must say, if I were ever in the area, I'd have to take a squat in their finery, as well.

Here are some really good pictures of the restaurant and the servings.

I just wonder if you have to drop your knickers before you are seated.

Of course, I'm sure the jokes are flying about Poo Poo platters and eating number one and number two.

And, when you're done, don't forget to flush.

What I'd like to know, though, is when are these fantastic ideas coming to Western culture?

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I'm going back to driving school.

Apparently, now they're showing porn movies at traffic safety classes.

Okay, maybe it was a mistake, but still.

Officials in Fukuoka, Japan admitted to accidentally showing a porn during a lecture on road rules.

It seems that drivers in Fukuoka must watch a video on traffic rules before renewing their license, which meant that approximately 1600 drivers were listening to the lectures in nine different rooms at the time of the incident.

Talk about a bumper to bumper in more than one way.

It's funny, usually you hear them telling you to stop, you know stop at stop signs, stop at a red light; and with the video, I wouldn't doubt if they heard a whole lot of "oh, don't stop".

Officials stated that there was a shortage of original video, so they had to dub them, which is likely when the mistaken recording took place.

I just want to know what image showed up on the screen, especially if it was a sex scene taking place in the back seat of a car.

Now that would be funny.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It seems karaoke bars will no longer be able to sell alcohol in Vietnam.

They will also be forced to close their doors by midnight, according to a new campaign against 'social evils'.

Yes, I agree, karaoke is a social evil.

Actually, they claim the 'social evils' they are attempting to curb are prostitution and drug use.

And, I really think this strategy will work.

I mean, come on. Who in their right mind could karaoke without alcohol in their system?

I shamefully admit to being dragged out to a karaoke bar on a few occasions, but I swear I didn't sing.

I'm not a public singer and I certainly cannot stand those karaoke clubs.

Who was it who create karaoke in the first place?

I think we should hunt that person down and do unspeakable things to him/her, and I don't mean the fun, enjoyable unspeakable things, I mean the "correct an unjust" unspeakable things.

(by the way, you may be asking, why a picture of William Hung, my answer is because his singing is as good as karaoke)

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Wednesday [by Conservative Cat]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

This gives a whole new meaning to pencil dick.

It seems a man, Zeljko Tupic, required some emergency surgery recently after shoving a pencil into his penis.

His reasoning was that he hoped to keep his penis stiff during sex.

I guess Viagra just didn't cut it for the guy.

Actually, apparently, the guy didn't even know about things like Viagra.

He told doctors that he was preparing for a night with a new partner and since he suffered from erectile disfunctions in the past, he thought he'd try the pencil trick.

The goof even tried it out with his partner, but their sex session was cut short as the pencil became lodged in the guy's bladder.

Funniest thing about this story to me is that the guy's name is Tupic, which sounds a lot like toothpick to me.

Perhaps he would have been better off trying that experiment out with a toothpick instead of a pencil afterall.

All in all, I wouldn't doubt if the guy receives the nickname Zeljko "the pencil dick" Tupic.

I guess they should just be glad they didn't get a sliver with all that friction.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Addicted to Internet sex and sexuality?

Apparently, this is an issue for many people, men and women alike.

Cybersex, according to this one article at least, is considered to be anything that encompasses

"online photos, audio, video, live sexual acts on request, and exchanging sexual fantasies in chat rooms".

Ya, ya, I hear you shouting, "I'm innocent, I tells ya".

LIAR!

(heh heh)

According to an addictions therapist, the reason cybersex is apparently so popular is because it is easier to hide than pornographic mags and videos.

And, they say that 40% of all users are women.

Ya, I'm innocent too, I tells ya.

So, wait a minute. If you're all spending 9 hours a day participating in cybersex, and you're here reading my articles, how much time are you spending online?

Do you even go to the bathroom or are you at the adult diaper phase of your life so that you can avoid getting up from the computer?

Hmmm... now that's an idea.

Warning: funny, but some explicit content. Viewer discretion is advised.

Here's a funny cybersex joke, conversation style.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

With bidding now over AU $12,600.00, you can win yourself a weekend with 4 blokes in Australia.

Bidding ends 04-Feb-06 13:29:25 AEDST

But, beware, the condition of this item is used.

You know, considering the amount they are gaining from this, you'd think they could change that one clause

"We won't fly you here. Heck, we won't even pay for your bus fare."

What is likely sparking the high bidding is the suggestion that there may be an international celebrity or sports legend who will accompany them.

Or, perhaps it's the bit of food, beer, and conversation.

So, there you have it. If you're desparate enough to waste a load of money on a fake friendship for a weekend, with the possibility of conversing with an unknown celeb, go for it.

Just don't forget to tell us all about it when it's over.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink

Warning: Milked up nudity. Viewer discretion is advised.

It seems that some commercial nudity displays are not, in fact, art.

At least, that's what a court decided in Seoul, Korea when a domestic milk company staged a nude yoghurt fight to advertise a new product.

The display took place at an art gallery where three naked models paraded around,

"spraying yogurt on each other's bodies, and throwing yogurt on some of the some 70 assembled spectators and 10 reporters."

I don't know about you, but with the Brits and their romping and now Seoul with their nudity, I think this is going to be a very sexy year.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

A poll has estimated that about £350 million in damage per year is made by energetic British sex.

The damage comes in the form of material breakage as well as bodily harm.

Some items being broken include lamps, vases, beds, and pulled down curtains. Not to mention, bodily mishaps such as carpet burns, pulled backs, twisted wrists, twisted ankles, bruised buttocks, etc.

Just all around breaks and pains.

I guess you could have figured something like that. I mean, many Brits come across as so demure and aloof, so you know something kinky's going on behind the scenes.

All I know is that I'm living in the wrong country.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

A German man/cannibal, convicted and jailed for manslaughter for 8 ½ years, is being ordered to re-trial after the state argued that the man was, instead, guilty of murder.

The 44 year old man, Armin Meiwes, denies that he's guilty of murder because he says that he was merely carrying out the wishes of the victim.

First of all, who in their right mind instructs someone to eat them?

The man states that he met the victim by internet and when the victim, a computer specialist, went to Meiwes' home, Meiwes severed the guy's penis and they both tried to eat it without success.

And, here I thought computer geeks were supposed to be smart.

Didn't they know that you should never try to eat a bone; you could choke on it.

Meiwes said that he was hoping the victim would bleed to death. He stated, " I wanted to eat him, but I didn't want to kill him."

Ya, 'cause wanting to eat someone is much better.

His legal team debates that Meiwes was merely "killing on request", which means he should only be sent to a maximum of 5 years for illegal euthanasia.

5 years for murder. H'okay then. Since he served 8, I guess that means he'll be released from jail if he wins and start eating out again.

Just remember, if you're a delivery person or computer specialist, skip his house unless you want to behis next dinner.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

For those unaware, today is the annual International Holocaust Remembrance Day.

On January 27, 1945, Soviet forces liberated the Auschwitz-Birkenau extermination camp, discovering the largest Nazi killing center in Europe.

Although the day is riddled in conflict with some Muslim groups and perhaps other communities, it is still essential that we do not forget what happened and how what happened has supplied us the freedom we have today.

Having a personal history related to WWII, I respect the day despite the political/bureaucratic bologna that goes along with it.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
International Holocaust Remembrance Day 2006 [by You Big Mouth, You!]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Okay the world's gone topsy-turvy.

It's snowing in Hawaii and there's no snow where I live, here in Vancouver, Canada.

Does this mean the moonbats are finally going to shut their yaps? I mean, if things can be THAT opposite, then perhaps we have a chance of it happening.

You're right, I'm dreaming.

Hello

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
What Kind o f Global Warming is THIS? [by Committees of Correspondence]

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Posted by Samantha at 01:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

A man in Germany stopped to use a highway rest stop when he got stuck in the stall.

It seems there had been an awful lot of cold weather and snow in recent days that caused the bathroom lock to freeze.

The man, unable to get out, had to wait for someone to use the nearby stall and asked the person to phone for help.

Well, I guess it must be pretty boring to get stuck in a cold, bathroom stall, so I thought I'd jot down a few ideas on how to pass the time.

1. Count the squares of the toilet paper sheets (assuming there is toilet paper. Generally, you'll have to skip this game).

2. Play the guess that smell game by yourself: odds are you'll end up the winner every time.

3. You can count your frozen body parts.

4. If it's an outhouse, you can estimate how deep it is to the bottom. Then, guess how many bowel movements it would take to fill it up to the top.

5. Or, you can count how many poopsicles you see down there.

And finally...

6. Try to decode the tag (vandalism) on the bathroom stall walls.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

And, now for some golf news.

It seems a golfer named Gary Cruickshank hit two hole in ones consecutively.

He considers his double hole-in-one surreal and is waiting to see if his 'stroke' of luck qualifies for a world record.

Sorry to disappoint you buddy, but there is someone who achieved a greater feat.

Lol, that is if you believe the political puffery of Kim Jong Il:

"According to North Korean government sources (official propaganda), the country's leader Kim Jong Il is a golf convert and he shot a 38-under-par 34 at Pyongyang Golf Club, shaving 25 strokes off the single-round world record set in 1977 by U.S. pro Al Geiberger. Kim nailed five holes-in-one."

"Mr Kim's amazing powers also extend into the physical realm. He is, according to those around him, an expert horseman and golfer, having shot 11 holes-in-one during his first-ever round."

Yup, 18 hole-in-ones.

"I'm so wrone-wree. So wrone-wree."

Egomaniac.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

All around the world intelliegence is displayed as lacking. South Africa just happens to be the theme in this article where tourists and locals come together to make for an embarrassing scene.

It was written that some fool of a woman in South Africa allowed her one year old grandchild to pet a Cape Fur Seal while the woman attempted to push it back into the ocean.

Subsequently, the woman got her nose bit off by the p*ssed off seal.

In another incident, a tool of a mugger thought (or wasn't thinking) to hide in a tiger cage so as to not get caught by security at his local zoo. Um, he died.

Another guy - a gunman - fled into a gorilla enclosure where he was held captive by the giant monkey until the police arrived.

There was also a nut who was gored to death by an elephant mother who was protecting her calf. This loser took an 8 year old boy with him to the stupid event to pet the calf.

Next, there was the story of the twitty teenager who was mauled by lions after being cocky with his girlfriend and got too close to the lion enclosure.

Finally, the article talks of a couple who got out of their vehicle at a game park and were savagely mauled to death by the lions.

Hmmm... can anyone say Darwin award?

There are just too many stories like this in the world. There has to be a reason for such stupidity.

A professional hunter commenting on the subject stated,

"I blame it on Walt Disney, where animals are given human qualities. People don't understand that a wild animal is not something that is nice to pat. It can seriously harm you."

I mean, really, hasn't Disney suffered enough?

Besides, there's always the case of survival of the fittest. If they are dumb enough to fall for a cartoon in that way, or if it's just sheer stupidity, we should be glad to see them go!

You don't win a Darwin award for no reason.

Idiots.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Many people seem to love monkey stories, so here's one for you all.

It is believed that there are some macaque monkeys roaming around Cambodia looking to get hopped up on goofballs.

They are being called "gangster monkeys" because they are stealing bags of glue from addicts, getting high, and then going around biting people and stealing laundry.

Well, they may be high, but they'll be dressed snazzy.

Just wait til they get ahold of some vehicle and start driving stoned.

But, officers are on the case. They have thusfar detained 15 monkeys.

Better catch all them monkeys, officers, because that's one drug dealing gang that you won't want holding all the power in your city.

They'll mess you up, if you don't pay up.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Mmmm... there's nothing like a fresh cup of java in the morning, is there?

And, fresh is right when it comes to the highly priced coffee from Indonesia. That is, fresh as in freshly squeezed from the buttocks of the furry palm civets animal.

Apparently, the palm civets - a tree-climbing, nocturnal critter - eats ripe coffee cherries as treats, which supplies their poop with a wonderful aroma.

But, no matter how deliciously scented it is, it's still poop, people!

The sh*t is taken from the forest floor, cleaned, roasted, then sold as a specialty item. Many are willing to pay around $175 per pound for the coffee beans, and manufacturers of the coffee expect to sell about 200 pounds in 2006.

I'm sure we've all said at one point, "that's some sh*tty coffee", but this is ridiculous.

And, gee, if you're willing to buy that, I have my own exotic blend of "coffee beans" for you.

The kicker is that sales for the "coffee" rose around the Christmas season, which means there are a lot of people out there who got a shit load under their trees this year.

It's turdalicious!

For those who aren't aware, the eating of palm civets in China was thought to be linked to the 2003 SARS outbreak.

Another fact about civets is that their anal sacs can be scraped (said to be very painful to the animal - no kidding) and the scent can be used in some musk perfumes.

You're welcome for that daily news. Now, go enjoy your coffee!

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

The Reaction takes a look at the political status of Britain, and specifically at Britain's Conservative Party with David Cameron as party leader.

Is Tony Blair shaking in his boots?

Well, it's too soon to tell, but Cameron just might have something on the guy.

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Posted by Samantha at 11:59 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I don't know what some politicians are thinking.

A mayor in Brazil is trying to make it illegal for citizens to die because the town's only cemetary is full.

He wants to have a law stating that relatives of the deceased would incur a fine or jail time. The law would also make it an offence to not look after one's health proplerly.

It is said that the town has no way of building a new cemetary or expanding on the present one, and that 89% of the town is river and the remainder is protected tropical jungle.

So, in Brazil, they are having a problem of finding places to lay the deceased to rest because they are either covered by rivers or protected jungles, eh.

I don't see how jail time woudl reduce the problem, though. Perhaps the fine will help if they put the money towards building a vertical cemetary, but jail time? What's that good for?

I'm sorry, but if I were a relation, I'd be chucking my family into the river when their time came. Heck, I'd be going to jail anyhow. Might as well have fun with it.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Death Made Illegal [by Shining full plate and a good broadsword]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Here's an example of the effectiveness of British policing.

It seems that cardboard cut-outs of police officers is aiding in reducing crime. The police are setting up 10 life-size cardboard cut-outs and are thinking of creating more because they have been extremely effective.

Only one was stolen, but the thief's house was searched and the item was found amongst other stolen goods.

The replicas cost about 100 pounds and have been used at gas stations to deter gas-and-goes.

So, has British policing sunk to a new low?

First, they have no guns, then they put up public surveillance cameras to deter crime, and now they are using cardboard pictures.

Really, how dumb are Britain's criminals to be fooled by pieces of paper?

I'm beginning to see Sherlocke Holmes in a new light. Perhaps that character wasn't so amazingly brilliant if Britain has felons that idiotic.

To further question Britain's policing strategies, British officer, Ben Johnson is arguing that the police need to carry weapons in this day and age.

Officer Johnson is the country's first non-British bobby. Originally from Texas, Johnson has re-energised the controversy over whether police need to be armed with the rise of terrorism and increasing violence.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Hat Tip: Boxing Alcibiades

Well, ew to me, anyhow.

I have never been to Japan, so I really don't know what kinds of foods are eaten there. The only knowledge of it all is in what I read about or see on tv basically.

And, recently I read about something that sounds so delightful.

Fish Sausage

Not fish tacos, but fish sausage.

Oh, what a treat! And, they come in several flavours including Strawberry milk (ya, fish with a lactose taste), Tuna grits, Chilli pepper, Cod ovum, Pork, Sardine, and Fruit and Vegetable.

Apparently, the public interest in the product declined (gee, no kidding) for about 30 years and is now resurfacing after all of their mad cow scares. Hmmm... I think I'll take my chances with a mad cow thanks.

Delish.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:45 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

It looks like extreme unicycling is the way to go for all you adrenalin junkies.

Apparently, unicycling is supposed to be better than extreme mountain biking, skateboarding, and dare I say, snowboarding. Yup, unicyclers are taking their one wheeled monstrosities to the rugged mountain terrain to show off their "sport".

And get this, there's even a convention for unicycling. I don't know about you, but all I can hear is that clown circus song that goes, "dat da dadda dadda dat da da da".

And apparently you can trick out your ride by getting one with thick tires and a heavier axle, not to mention getting the snazzy helmet and padding. Heck, why not throw in a big red clown nose and a polka dotted jumper.

But, if you are up for watching a little extreme unicycling, here's a clip (takes a few seconds), ok, kidding, that was PeePee, the British Clown (seriously, I didn't make up that name, here's his website). But, here's the real clip of some extreme unicycling.

I'm just waiting for the day they introduce extreme tandem bicycling. Wait, let me guess, they already have that, right? I know they have tandem racing and clubs you can join, but I have not seen any rough mountain tandem activity yet. And, I wouldn't mind if I never had to see that.

How about extreme pogo sticking?

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

For those who haven't heard, London is planing to develop a multimillion dollar sexual theme park in the Piccadilly Circus red district.

The park is expected to be opened in the spring and is to have $8.3 million worth of high tech and interactive displays to educate and inform visitors.

This kind of reminds me of Homer Simpson and Krusty the Clown trying out the "Let's make a baby" simulator machine. Homer failed, but Krusty responds, "Hey baby, remember me?"

Well, no offense to my Brit. readers, but you know this is the common joke. The London sex theme park is likely to have an exhibit wholly devoted to the topic of how to conceal your teeth in front of your lover.

While searching the theme park online, I came across this doosy. Eyes on the ball news created a crazy list of ten ads being considered:

10. No that’s not a lose bolt, our rides are supposed to have strange noises, bumps and vibrations!

9. Must be this long to ride.

8. Where you can be the ride as well as the rider.

7. Yes, we do have foot longs.

6. Where the English having no teeth is a good thing.

5. Our Spotted Dick is the Dog’s Bollocks.

4. Thank God that, unlike United Airlines, our staff still has weight and appearance regulations. Unfortunately they’re still English.

3. We have shag carpet. Wink wink nudge nudge say no more.

2. #1 destination of Eastern European women trying to buy their way out of their country.

1. No water rides means no shrinkage!

I thought it might be a good idea to share some ideas for cool sex themed rides, so I've altered some common theme park rides to make them more sexually compatible. Here are my suggestions:

The Zipper will now be called The Stripper
The Faris Wheel will be a new take on the mile high club
The Octopus will be named after that famous James Bond movie, Octopussy, and consist of orgy interactions (with up to 8 women).
The House of Mirrors will now be The Naked Mirrors as a way to learn how to love your body from every angle.
And, of course...

The Canal of Love will take on a whole new meaning.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Cruisin' my blogroll... [by third world county]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It seems a sparrow in the Netherlands went on a flying frenzy when it flew into a building and knocked down 23,000 dominoes that were being used to break a world record.

The bird was shot by an exterminator after it nearly wiped out the entire project.

I'll bet those dominoes presenters were p*ssed. They were likely jumping for the phone to get an exterminator in there. I wouldn't even doubt if they called out upon the bird being shot, "see you in h*ll, sparrow".

I decided to do a little research on dominoes and weird domino activities.

I found that they have domino stacking world records. Take a look at this picture, and that's not using any adhesive.

There are some pictures of Domino Day here.

More pics

I just thought to myself as I researched, why do people trifle with building domino projects, it seems like such a dull hobby, but then I shut that thought up when I realised I was wasting my time researching on it.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Japan has introduced a product that every Canadian woman will be wishing she had this winter.

A new furry, heated bra has come on the market by Triumph International, calling it the Warm Biz Bra. Apparently, the bra is "lined with material that emits infrared rays".

"The bra is also fitted with pads that can be heated in a microwave or hot water – as well as long, furry straps that wrap around the neck like a scarf and matching shorts."

Oh man, I'm feeling warmer already. They should have introduced the bra here, though, they would have sold out in a matter of minutes.

Although, I'm sure that Victoria Secret or Wonderbra would have come up with a better name for it than the Warm Biz - what's that all about?

The craziest part of it is that they are marketing it as an eco-friendly bra, claiming that it will reduce the need to heat office buildings. Lol, what a laugh. I guess in order to do that, men will have to start wearing heated boxer shorts.

We'd all better hope we don't blow a fuse because those things will be heating our naughty places. That could hurt.

UPDATE: this site has a picture and some info on the new eco bra.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Bacon Break — Open Post [by TMH's Bacon Bits]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

In remembrance, I am listing some great Canadian accomplishments and funny facts, although there are many more out there to be found.

The War of 1812 was started by the US to capture Canada, but we ended up burning their "White House" and most of Washington, making us the only country to have invaded the US, captured the White House, and burned Washington.

Although we have a large French population, we weren't cheese-eating surrender monkeys to Germany in WWII.

Billy Bishop dedicated his life to aviation, fighting on the battlefields of France in WWI and as an Air Marshal in WWII.

In World War II, Billy Bishop helped bring world recognition to Canada's air force and the British Commonwealth Air Training Plan which became the model for other countries of the free world. Bishop also took on the Red Baron, which ended in a draw; however another Canadian, Captain Roy Brown, shot down the Red Baron a year later.

Canada has the largest English population that has never ever surrendered or withdrew from any war.

For info on Canadian Veterans: Veterans Affairs Canada

Please share your Remembrance Day/Veterans Day thoughts by trackbacking your articles on this topic. A link to your article will show up below. This is a rare exception where I will allow trackbacks without links to this article. All non Remembrance Day/Veterans Day articles will be removed.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
It’s the USMC’s 230th today! [by The Roost]
Veterans Day Observed [by Diane's Stuff]

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Posted by Samantha at 09:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

A dentist in Amsterdam decided to chop off his index finger and fake a car accident to collect insurance money.

The 50 year old man may have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for the anaesthetic in his blood, the shape of the cut on his finger, and the absence of skid marks on the road.

The dentist attempted to claim 1.8 million euros ($2.2 million) from insurers claiming that the steering wheel caused the injury, but instead ended up being fined 25, 000 euros and receiving 6 months suspended jail time and 240 hours of community service.

The best part for me was that he ended up owing money when he thought he'd be making money. I guess there's no more wagging his accusing finger at them.

So, how far would you go to collect a couple mil.?

Appendages - I'd rather keep them, thanks.

Is it worth it? I guess not since he got caught. No more pointing for him.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

There is a new potty training device out called "Toilet Buddies". Apparently these things are supposed be less intimidating for kids who are learning to tinkle and go doodie.

The object is to velcro fasten animal characters onto the toilet to make it more inviting to children.

Cast of Characters: "Poo P. Bunny", "Gatago Giraffe", "Puddles Puppy", and "Ca Ca Cow".

The creator of the product says that he came up with the idea after having a bout of food poisoning that kept him going to the toilet for 10 times a day.

I've got to say, that sounds like one heck of a bad food poisoning to me. The site does not indicate pricing, but I'm sure this product will make a splash... or should I say, plop.

On another bizarre note...

An application for cement made from dog poo has been filed by a German architect.

The dog poo cement is supposed to be odourless and used as a heating and building material. The innovator states that loads of doggy doo doo is collected from the streets in the city, so it might as well be put to use.

Talk about living in a sh*t hole. What's next for environmentalism?

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

A Norwegian researcher plans to determine whether feeding prisoners a heavy diet of fish will aid in getting them to give up their bad ways.

Anita Hansen will research the connection between oily fish and the ability to control implusive actions, violent outbursts, and a lack of concentration.

Hansen stated that earlier studies have suggested a link between the human heart rate and human actions.

Her study will include two test groups,

"One will be given extra omega-3 and the other group will not. She will then look for any differences in behavior."

They should just be thankful that it's not another seafood that they are researching with... oysters. Since oysters are considered an aphrodesiac, we'd have a lot more accidental dropping of the soap and a lot more prison b*tches.

Ouch!

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I retrieved this article at Speed of Thought and Boots And Sabers.

The weirdos scored another one in Rome this week as goldfish bowls were banned due to animal rights protesting.

It was stated in the article that

"round bowls caused fish to go blind. No one at Rome council was available to confirm this was why they were banned. Many fish experts say round bowls provide insufficient oxygen for fish...."

Okay, ya right, as if goldfish live long enough to go blind in the first place. Furthermore, cats could barely get their paws in those bowls, but now that goldfish have to live in tanks, they'll be more open to kitty attacks.

When are those freaks going to give up, already. I can't believe such a stupid issue caused a law to be put in place. And, what's with the government? Get a backbone already. Even Canada's liberal government wouldn't give in to such imbecilic whining (at least, I hope they wouldn't).

But, hey, if Rome is willing to settle with such moronic protesting, then I have to agree with Rachel from Holstein Grove:

"maybe all the PETA folk should move to Italy and leave North America to the normals".

Sorry Rome, we're sacrificing you so that the rest of us can live happily again. Want our moonbats too?

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Posted by Samantha at 12:21 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I bet you are trying to choke your chicken you naughty searcher, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean? I've decided to be nice to my readers and I've found a non-scam site where you can view your "needs". Just follow the link link here. Now back to the article...

Chicken choking is no longer just about spanking the monkey, as I always thought it was.

There is now a chicken toy that squawks, clucks, and flaps its wings and feet wildly when being strangled, and it is being protested by an animal welfare group. They claim that it send the wrong message to children. Michael Beatty, a spokesman for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals adds, "what's next? Burn a cat? Shoot a dog?"

I'm afraid I have little to add because it's really difficult to top this blogger's article. He says it all, from the toy being desirable because it's "very un-pc" to wanting toys that smite Michael Moore and Barbra Streisand.

Go. Check. It. Out.

And while you're there, this is also too funny from The Conservative Uaw Guy. Made me laugh.

UPDATE: I found a picture of that doll. Looks very harmless to me.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

You've got to know that I can't go through life without bringing you this significant find.

And, I've been using a boring old porcelain toilet bowl like a chump - how depressing.

Here is a sample of the interesting facts that you can learn at this Toilet Museum near Delhi.

"One such toilet is the throne of King Louis XlV. In fact, the contraption worked both as a throne and a toilet pot which the emperor used for his official duties and personal needs at the same time!"

They also say they have a double storey toilet. I've got to say, it would be pretty sh*tty if I had to use the bottom level of that one.

The information about the toilet museum adds

"Full of interesting sidelights the museum brings to focus this very important subject, which despite its humorous connotations, remains the most important calling in any person's life."

And, it's calling me as we speak. Must go.

Hat Tip: All Over The Map

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Posted by Samantha at 12:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It seems a man coughed up a screw after he had an operation on his neck.

Four years ago, Etienne Verhees fell off a ladder and had to get a metal plate screwed to his neck to help heal his wound. It wasn't until this week that the man coughed up the screw from that procedure

Now that's just screwed up.

Did they not screw it in place all the way or something for the screw to have fallen out of place?

How does someone live for four years with a screw in them and not know it? Didn't they do x-rays?

Boy, that was a poor screw job, if you ask me.

I wonder what happened to the guy's nuts (I mean, there had to be a nut attached to the screw, right? Where'd it go?).

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Posted by Samantha at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

In Syria, they have a doll named Fulla similar to the Barbie, but this one wears a black abaya and matching head scarf. It seems that young girls there are obsessed with Fulla, who has her own prayer rug, and parents are hoping this doll will instill valuable morals and career goals in their children. It is expected that the Fulla doll will soon come in the form of a Doctor and Teacher, which are two respected careers for women.

Fulla sells for about $16 US, which seems pretty steep for a country who's average household income is around $100 per month. For girls, and many parents, "it has to be Fulla".

Sounds a lot like North American children, "I want, I want, I want" must be a global phrase.

I wonder if they'll ever consider coming out with a G.I. Jihad to date and do it with Fulla. I also wonder if the boys there do what the boys here did to Barbie and rip off Fulla's head and melt her body.

For me, it's good to know that a somewhat similar version of Barbie exists. It's depressing to see girls miss out on all the learning they could be doing with their Barbies because they are too busy escaping into the mind numbing, pathetic video game drone.

Ya, sure, you're going to claim that games teach kids this and that, but how much can they actually learn when they are just running/jumping, running/jumping, running/jumping repeatedly. It's so boring to watch kids play that s**t because there's nothing important about the games.

Thank goodness I'm not a kid in North America anymore; I don't think it would be as much fun playing with my Barbie alone.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Even the pope drives a kick a$$ car. Pope Benedict (and I know we are all immediately thinking eggs benedict every time we hear his name) was given the keys to a new BMW sports utility vehicle (SUV).

Does this prove that driving a gas guzzling vehicle is acceptable? I'm going to have to say 'yes'.

So, where are the protesters? They should be hitting the streets of Vatican City any day now to protest this 'outrage'. Oh oh, I better shut my mouth, or they might eventually catch onto the idea and actually do it.

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Posted by Samantha at 02:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

It seems another Canadian goose attack has happened, and this time it was a swedish man who was knocked unconscious when the goose landed on his head after his son had shot it dead.

The first known goose incident occurred at Williamsburgh, Virginia's Busch Gardens to supermodel Fabio while riding along on a rollercoaster. Although it is not known if the goose was Canadian, I have reason to suspect so.

I'm telling you people, watch out for Canada. We're attacking from all angles, including air raids by our infamous Canadian geese. Oh ya, and did I mention we have MOTHER on our side.

And, you all said we didn't have a strong military force.

Well, we don't. We rely on the powers of nature to protect this true north strong and free. Now, if we can only train our beavers to distract the attention of the US, they will lose all resistance and succumb to their conqueror.

PS - MOTHER is not mother nature as you may have been lead to believe; our military commander is none other than Mother Goose. As an insurgent of Canada's secret mission, I am compelled to provide more information in the future on Mother Goose and Operation Bo Beep. Please stay tuned in the following week to learn Canada's alternate plan of attack and how you can protect yourself.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:29 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

In Peru, they held a beauty contest for prisoners who were jailed for drug trafficking, most of whom smuggled cocaine "taped to their bodies, swallowed in plastic pouches, or hidden in luggage". Women who wish to enter the contest require good conduct, attend therapy sessions, and engage in workshops such as cosmetology, drawing, and fabric painting.

The winner of the contest was a 24 year old Thai woman from the Santa Monica Women's Prison in the Lima's Chorrillos district.

I wonder if they'll ever hold a competition for men. Perhaps it could be for weightlifting, but I guess there could be no winner if they are all drug traffickers since they'll all have their own steroids.

Perhaps they will have more contests for the women. They can have the Miss Cocaine 2005 award, or an award for the woman who found the most unique place on her body to hide the drugs, or perhaps an award for the one who almost got away.

So, what's next for prison entertainment? A Courtney Love look-a-like contest? The Big House reality tv show? Or, perhaps, Jailhouse Rock: American Idol Gone Bad?

Next thing you know, people will be trying to get caught on a drug bust just to get their 15 minutes of fame in prison.

Anyhow, I sense some people are missing their gratuitous sexy female image after I've shown a few images of guys on this site, so here's a link for you.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

An animal rights group called the Animal Liberation Front, or ALF, is thought to be responsible for supplying a threat to the Leapfrog Day Nurseries in the UK.

The threat suggests that the animal rights group wants the daycare to stop providing care for the parents who work at Huntingdon Life Sciences, an animal testing company. The daycare states that they already have security measures in place to protect the children they care for, and the HLS chief executive states that

"They were not threatening the children," Mr Cass said. "They were threatening the directors."

He also said that the ALF had planted a number of incediary devices, but they were still "very few".

Now I don't know who's acting denser: the group threatening a nursery or the chief exec. trying to deny that it's serious? Okay, I think it's clearly animal rights groups, but Brian Cass doesn't make the best name for himself in this instance.

If the ALF has no heart about children whose parents struggle to feed them after they've lost their jobs due to an explosion, and no heart about who they could kill when one of their bombs goes off, what makes anyone think those idiots wouldn't do something so extreme that it kills some children - all just to make a statement that we've heard a million times already.

We don't support you f*cknuts, get over it!

They're terrorists (and that word doesn't slip out of my mouth too easily), and as we've seen with other terror groups, they are capable of resorting to the worst, most foul acts possible.

Taking this lightly could end up putting you into my Moron Of The Week category, Brian Cass.

Does anyone else find it odd that this group has labelled themselves ALF. I mean, if you'll recall that 80's show ALF, which was about an alien living in America, you'll realise that the alien enjoyed feasting on cats. If I'm interpreting this correctly, I'd say that the ALF is pro-eating meat if Alf ate meat.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

The annual World Toilet Summit (ya, there is a World Toilet Summit) was held in Northern Ireland for a three day debate on public sanitation. 350 experts spoke on topics including "anti-social behaviour in restrooms, portable toilets, and facilities for the blind".

So, how many "experts" does it take to talk about sh*t? And how does one become an expert anyhow? Wait a minute, I don't want to know. Actually, I wonder why they haven't invited me as a guest speaker; I can talk shop with the best of those who are toilet trained.

It seems that Singapore was the model for the rest of the world at the summit. So, I guess they really flushed out the competition.

In Belfast, they introduced the UriLift toilet, which is a stainless steel (which is an all-the-rage product these days) urinal that rises hydraulically out of the ground for patrons. I can see a great tv show coming out for this one:

Pimp My Toilet. People get surprised when they come home to a tricked out toilet equipped with hydrolics, flashing lights, dingle balls and fuzzy dice, leopard print toilet seat covers, and a boombox stereo flushing sound.

I just wonder about that topic of discussion on anti-social behaviour at a toilet summit. What do they expect from us, more polite discussion around the urinal?

"Pardon me, would you be so kind as to pass the backside sanitation implement?" (meaning pass the TP)
"I say, was that lovely aroma beans from last night's din-din?" (meaning, your farts smell like sh*t)

Or perhaps they would like to see a conversation occur while taking a shat (sound effects added whenever you see a *)

"So, what is your take on gas prices *ploop*?"
"Oh, I *grunt* think they're outragous. What do think about that Sheehan person *Fffft*?"
"She gets under my *ga-glunk* skin. She's so annoying *bloonk*, isn't she?"
"Yes, I *ungh* agree, she is *ssss, toot* annoying."

Or, how about using the washroom as a meeting ground for families. Psychologists around the world will be telling families to solve the lack of communication problem by taking their conversations to the toilet.

Although the UniLift sounds interesting, the picture displayed is clearly my preference, and probably the preference of many of my readers, lol. (you don't know what I had to endure just to get that pic; my mind will never be the same)

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Posted by Samantha at 12:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Them Dutch are trying to outdo us Canadians in the drug arena again. How dare they; don't they know that Canada IS the pot capitol of the world?

It's been reported that a Dutch talk show reporter plans on taking heroin and other drugs while on the television airwaves.

It is an attempt at bringing awareness to youth on the dangers of drugs.

The reporter plans to tape segments of drugging himself up and getting drunk while another reporter will show clips "about engaging in sex acts, but not on camera".

It's too darn bad it's not the other way around. I think they would have more young viewers if they actually showed clips of people, including the reporter, having sex.

If anything gets kids interested in watching the news, this has got to be it, but I just don't see it being effective in its pursuit to caution kids on the dangers of drugs, drinking, and sex.

On the contrary to bringing awaresness, these weekly broadcasts will likely aid in showing kids how to use drugs instead - an instructional guide.

If anything, they will see that it is acceptable: if the reporters themselves are doing it, why can't they? Not only that, but if society allows this to be shown on tv, then it will only make sense to the kids that they be allowed to do it, too.

Stick to what you know best, ya, all of which happens to be located in the red light district.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Foolish, Hairbrained, and Dutch [by dave's not here | David Earney]

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Posted by Samantha at 02:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Suresh Joachim broke the Guinness world record for watching tv after he spent 69 hours and 48 minutes on the couch. This beats the previous record of 50 hours and 7 minutes.

The rules for being a couch potato extraordinaire is to be allowed 5 minute breaks every hour and a 15 minute break every 8 hours. Other than that, the contestant must look at the tv screen constantly.

Joachim holds over 16 Guinness records, and he claims he does it to raise awareness of suffering children.

I don't exactly know how this feat raises awareness since the article I got this from didn't even mention what suffering children he's talking about. Besides, Joachim, like sitting on a couch is so difficult that you're suffering like the children, whoever they are.

Maybe I should go for the Guinness world record in sitting in front of a computer, as it feels that long some days. It's so bad for me some days, that I'm even considered a "commendable mouse potato" by bloggers like the english guy (as mentioned in a comment for my article Idle Chat).

Na, it's not that bad. I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't enjoy it (ok, that's my little bit of sap and that's all you're getting).

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Posted by Samantha at 08:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

In Indiana, a dumb criminal, Jong H. Kim, was pulled over for speeding, but got himself in a heap of trouble for acting a fool.

The officer who stopped the man became suspicious after Kim appeared nervous and vomited, so the officer called on a police dog to do a search of the vehicle. Kim then began throwing biscuits at the dog to distract it, but it didn't work as the police dog found 75 grams of marijuana in Kim's possession.

I think this is one for forensic tv shows. This doesn't seem like a helpful tip to criminals in eluding police, though.

I imagine if he had thrown a pillow to the dog instead, he may have escaped the problem as the dog would have been too distracted humping the pillow instead of catching the bad guy.

Or, perhaps Kim would have gotten away if he would have thought logically about the situation.

He may have avoided the predicament altogether if he had thrown donuts to the police officer instead.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Maybe it's the inbreeding up here in Canada, eh, but I don't get the Talk Like A Pirate Day thing. As the site states, it is celebrated by people from "South Africa to Australia, from New York to the Pacific Northwest, who party like pirates every September 19th". Regardless, here's my contribution:

Hoist ye timbers and shiver me sails.

Learned of this phenomenon through Dianes Stuff.

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Posted by Samantha at 09:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

The Burns bog in the Vancouver area of British Columbia, Canada is on fire. So far, it has burned 2 kilometres long and one kilometre wide (for US, that equals fairly big - I don't feel like doing the conversion, around 23 hectares or something). There is a total white haze over the whole Vancouver area, including further west. I'm close to an hour from Delta where the bog is burning, and the smoke is intense here, especially on the lungs. This same thing happened to me in my home town when wildfires burst through much of central BC.

I have to ask if that old saying, "smoke follows fools" applies to me? Because it seems that everywhere I go, it follows me.

Apparently, the fire continues to blaze as a result of all the natural gas that the bog generates. I didn't know ducks had that much gas in them to be tooting away in the bog. Protect our flatulent fowl from the fire, better yet, send them my way and we'll have a nice cookout.

Although firefighters are busy working on controlling the bog fire, I'm sure our potheads are getting a thrill out of it. All the Marc Emery supporter/protestors are probably going crazy with bliss at this burnage. It's not the burning weed they normally smoke, but perhaps they can get their jollies inhaling the free fumes floating through the air. Talk about a new form of wacky tobaccy, and this grass gives off a thick smoke. Now I guess we truly are the weed capitol of the world.

I know one thing for sure, I'm staying indoors for the next few days because it's hard on the throat, and I don't want to get too hopped up on goofballs.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:50 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Today is a day of remembrance, sympathy, and support.

4 years ago today was the day the world changed.

I will be reflecting and cherishing the precious time I have with my loved ones, but I have left a few articles for your perusal, and there are plenty in the archives that you may find of interest or have a good laugh at.

Here is a poem link from Blackfive in memory of September 11th, 2001.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

It seems a fairly large man just won a lawsuit recently in Germany, which enabled him to get out of his lease contract with Mercedes because the vehicle was a tad too small for him Yahoo News.

The 352 lb. man was told that he was too fat for the car when his seat was broken. And, he could hardly fit behind the steering wheel.

However, the court ruled in favor of the man allegedly because the car "should have been able to take his weight".

I don't know about you, but I think the primary concern wouldn't be the vehicle lease. Perhaps, though, being released from his lease will enable him to spend his money wisely in a physical programme of some sort. I don't quite get why this man leased the vehicle in the first place if he couldn't even fit into the darn thing. Why didn't he go for a Humvee? I'll bet he'd fit in that no problem.

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Posted by Samantha at 06:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

According to Yahoo News, on Tuesday, the Berlin mayor Klaus Wowereit (of couse his name's Klaus, that's about the only German name I know, Klaus) was criticised for officially welcoming the sado-masochism festival to town. The S&M celebration, also known as the Folsom-Europe Street Festival, draws thousands of leather-wearing visitors to Berlin.

"The first weekend in September stands for the pure zest for life," Wowereit wrote in a message of greeting in the official program of the Folsom-Europe Street Festival. "A warm welcome to Berlin!"

Members of the conservative opposition Christian Democrats (CDU), and even political leaders from within Wowereit's own Social Democrat party (SPD), said Wowereit's public endorsement of the leather and fetish festival showed poor taste.

The mayor considered the opposition's remarks as "narrowminded" and excused his greeting as a way to get visitors to Berlin. He states that, "We want them to come to Berlin. But anyone who has a problem with it doesn't have to go to the (S&M) event."

I must admit that I've never experienced a festival to this degree. I've never been to Mardis Gras, Cinco De Mayo, New York City's Folsom Street East, or Toronto's Folsom Street North. I don't know if I'd want to experience the latter two, but it would be interesting to observe the inanity of it all.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:20 PM | Permalink

Yup, this sounds like my dream vacation. What a way to win back the tourists. Let's not solve the problem, let's just work our way around it... Police-Escorted Mexican Drug War City Tour.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

We all know that road signs get stolen all the time, right, but in Austria, they are having a heck of a time with some British road sign thieves.

As ROFASix notes, "Mayor Siegfried Hauppl has a problem [with] Brits who keep stealing his city’s road signs that contain the name of his town. Hauppl is the mayor of the Austrian village of Fucking."

ROFASix goes on to suggest that the mayor contact US towns like Blue Balls, Intercourse, and Climax to determine how to handle his problem.

May I also add a list of Canadian towns that the mayor can look into in fighting this evil crime: Stoner, Dildo, Spread Eagle, Pecker's Point, and Sackville among others?

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Posted by Samantha at 12:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Oh, good gracious. Hahahaha... I can't believe it.

DragonLady's comment sums it up perfectly about a zoo in China trying to get its Chimpanzee to quit smoking.

Their excuse for not doing so is probably lame like they're worried about its emotional and psychological state.

You know, I really should make a category called Idiots or Idiots In The News.

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Posted by Samantha at 07:06 PM | Permalink

Okay, now I'm confused because I may just want to end up living in a dictatorial place like Turkmenistan.

The President of Turkmenistan has recently called for a ban on lip synching, claiming that it has "a negative effect on the development of singing and musical art".

In 2001, the president also banned any operas and ballets that didn't correspond with the "national mentality". Further, he has banned young people from acquiring gold tooth caps, as well as wearing beards and long hair.

I may not want to live in a country that maintains such outlandish injunctions, but some of those bans sound pretty tempting to me.

Milli Vanilli and Ashley Simpson be gone!

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Posted by Samantha at 12:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Would you be offended if you were addressed as "mate" by an Australian security guard?

At least, this seems to be the reasoning for why some members of the Australian parliament desired to ban the word "mate" from being used by security guards. The Australian Prime Minister John Howard considers the ban "absurd", which is good since he himself used the term when talking about president Bush.

I don't know about you, but if I were visiting in Australia, I would leave pretty disappointed if I wasn't referred to as "mate" at some point in the trip.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Well, looks like a new form of art to me. WordWhammy tells us that there is something called coffee art out there.

I'm just wondering if it gets moldy or something over time because it's probably a water and coffee combo with ink. I also wonder if the paper they use becomes dented in some way due to the element of the water.

I'm not an artsy-fartsy person, but I do a little of my own. I don't think this is a form that I'd take on, but if you're into unique art, here it is Coffee Art.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:38 PM | Permalink

Wow, these are some cool looking pavement drawings. The 3D ones are illusions; they are actually flat to the ground.

Hat Tip: WordWhammy for this one.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:19 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I knew gaming was enjoyable, but I didn't know it could become as obsessive as this.

A 28 year old South Korean man died of a heart attack after playing computer games non-stop for 49 hours in an Internet cafe. Evidently, the man refused to leave his computer station and didn't sleep and ate little while playing a game called Starcraft.

That game and many others are extremely popular in South Korea where many professional gamers gain sponsorship money and the like.

Lee, the man who died while gaming, had been fired from his job for missing work as a result of too much gaming.

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Posted by Samantha at 09:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Rigorous surf training for mice. Now, I've heard it all. Apparently, Harry, Chopstick, and Bunsen enjoy hanging ten along Australia's coastline yahoo news.

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Posted by Samantha at 03:45 PM | Permalink

"Hordes of German troops couldn't take him, but time finally did. Legion branches across Canada, in the United States and Europe lowered their flags to half mast Wednesday after Ernest Alvia (Smoky) Smith, Canada's last winner of the Victoria Cross, died at home in Vancouver. He was 91." (CP)

Read the story of how this Canadian hero became a legend in his day.

What others are saying:

Continue reading "Canadian Hero Dies" »

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Posted by MrBig at 10:45 PM | Permalink

A heartfelt condolence goes out to the families and scouts affected by the tragic loss of four scout leaders from Alaska.

Having been a scout previously, I know the dedication these volunteer leaders give to ensuring children have positive experiences and roll models growing up. I'm certain they will be thoroughly missed by those who love and respect them.

For those who wish to donate or write personal condolences to the families, you can visit the Western Alaska Council website.

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Posted by MrBig at 04:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)