The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

Wedding Ring Deflects Robber's Bullet

Apparently, an antique shop owner, Donnie Register, was saved by his wedding ring after he was shot at by a robber.

Police reported that two men walked into Register's shop at The Antique Market in Jackson, Miss., and asked to see a coin collection.

One of the men pulled a gun, police said.

So, there ya go, fellas. Not only can marriage help you live longer, but it can also save your life.

Who knew.

And, on the flip side of the coin (get it? *Boo *Hiss), some widow may get rich over the death of her hubby. In this news bit, Japanese courts have ruled for a widow who's husband was worked to death at the Toyota Motor Corp. The man died after putting in more than 106 hours of overtime in one month.

Evidently, the company claimed that the man only logged 45 hours of overtime, but the court ruled otherwise.

The employee, who was working at a Toyota factory in central Japan, died of irregular heartbeat in February 2002 after passing out in the factory around 4 a.m.

Remind me to flip my boss off next time he asks me to watch the kids for a bit longer.

Lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

What religion with any sanity would want a convert by force? Would you truly believe that someone who was forced into a religion really would behold that very same religion? I believe not. There is no credibility to such acts of force, but there is a foundation for such practices in Islam. The Muslims Koran allows for such conversions by force - by the sword.

A Gaza Christian woman was forced to become a Muslim then marry a Muslim man that is a professor at the Palestinian International University.

Hamas-aligned officials at Gaza City’s Palestine International University have been accused of forcibly converting one of their female Christian colleagues to Islam.

Sana al-Sayegh, head of the university’s Science and Technology Department, disappeared in late June, reported WorldNetDaily. Days later she contacted her family and indicated that she was being held against her will and would have to marry a Muslim man who was also a professor at the university.

Another week passed and the family received a conversion certificate stating that their daughter was now a Muslim. One of the witnesses who signed the document was the university president, a known Islamist with strong ties to Hamas.

When the family complained to the Hamas authorities, they were promptly visited by a group of heavily-armed militants who insisted Sayegh’s conversion and marriage had been matters of free will.

Sayegh reportedly returned to work last week, but has not contacted her family. Attempts by the family to contact her new husband have gone unanswered.

Gaza is home to a tiny Christian community of only 2,000, among a Muslim majority of more than one million. When Hamas secured outright control of Gaza in June, the group declared that the area’s Christians would have to submit to strict Islamic law.

Religion of peace? Free will? Not on your life my friends.

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Posted by Layla Elizabeth at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Here are some great finds from Jim.

Earlier this year, Britain's Ann Summers sex-product company announced it would stop selling its remote-controlled Love Bug 2 personal vibrator in Cyprus after Cypriot military officials complained that the device's signals were interfering with army radio transmissions. [The Guardian (London), 5-6-07]

But, at least we've now learned another weapon against the enemy. Next time we packed them off to a war, we're going to have to arm them all with Love Bugs to intercept radio signals.

Ready, set, attack. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

A woman in Columbia University's hospital had her gallbladder removed in March not by traditional abdominal surgery but by running instruments through her vagina, according to an April New York Times report. Doctors said that abdominal-muscle cuts are painful and slow to heal, and that surgeons are considering using the body's other natural openings, also, for some procedures. (In a landmark 2004 operation, doctors in India removed a patient's appendix through the mouth.) Still, a female New York University surgeon said the idea of gallbladder surgery through the vagina is "repulsive." [New York Times, 4-20-07]

John Brandrick told London's Daily Telegraph in May that he will seek compensation from Royal Cornwall Hospital in Treliske, England, because he's still alive. He was diagnosed in 2006 with pancreatic cancer, with about a year to live, and he quit his job, stopped paying his bills, and used his life's savings to enjoy his last days. However, he was recently told he merely had (non-fatal) pancreatitis, and now he's broke. [Daily Telegraph (London), 5-7-07]

Thanks again, Jim!

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Thanks goes to Jim for these news bits.

At least 30 Texas death-row inmates have pages on dating Web sites, according to a November Associated Press report, and the murderers usually describe themselves in cuddly terms. Wrote convicted cop-killer Randy Halprin, "I think I'm a pretty funny guy. I have a wacked (sic) sense of humor. I can be a big kid at heart. I'm a hopeless (and I mean hopeless) romatic (sic)." [Amarillo Globe News-AP, 11-11-06]

I find it kinda funny that Halprin misspelled the word "wacky" and wrote "wacked". How fitting.

However, also in November, Calvin Bennett, 26, a suspect in two Arkansas murders, was traced by police to Rothschild, Wis., by the personal ad he had placed on a dating Web site, describing himself as shy and giving his ideal evening as "a nice romantic dinner with soft music, followed by a romantic walk or a carriage ride." [Minneapolis Star Tribune-AP, 11-20-06]

Marshall Byers, 28, was arrested in Everett, Wash., in December, and charged with the attempted murder of his estranged wife's boyfriend (who was treated for five knife wounds). According to prosecutors, Byers was surprised at the "attempted" charge. Allegedly, he told a detective, "What? I thought I stuck him like a pig. What do you mean, he's alive?" [Seattle Post-Intelligencer-AP, 12-22-06]

Also Should Have Kept His Mouth Shut: Jeremy Lyons, 20, was arrested in Hanover Township, Pa., in October for an alleged vandalism spree, bashing car windows with a baseball bat. A local TV station had carried a story of the arrest of another person, and Lyons for some reason called the station and, laughing, told them they had the wrong man. He was arrested when the call was traced. [WNEP-TV (Moosic, Pa.), 10-24-06]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Thanks goes to Roger for this hilarious finds.

Forget f*cking like rabbits, more like screwing like Sootie.

I don't know about you, but for some reason, I got that one AC/DC song stuck in my head right now.

Now, that's what I call some hot sex. I guess there really is a time and a place for everything; and apparently, cooking and oral sex don't mix.

Won't stop me from trying, however.

Lol.

And, one last one: Buzzing undies.

I gotta find me a pair of those!

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Thanks once more goes to Jim for sending these news bit in.

A Connecticut company (454 Life Sciences) and Germany's Max Planck Institute have made recent breakthroughs in developing the genome of a Neanderthal man, which shows a 99 percent-plus similarity with that of humans, according to a July New York Times report. If they succeed, it might be possible to bring the species back to life by implanting the genes into a human egg (provided, of course, that some woman volunteers to bear a Neanderthal baby). [Austin American-Statesman-New York Times, 7-21-06]

B*tch deserves a neaderthal child, but I'm sure even that kid would be more intelligent than her.

"I've always had the desire to play (the cello) naked," said Ms. Jesse Hale, a music major at Austin Peay State University (Clarksville, Tenn.) and member of the CJ Boyd Sexxxtet of nude cellists who play their experimental, chant-like songs in concert around the country. Hale, who says she's been playing naked since sixth grade, explained to Austin Peay's newspaper in September that cellists "make full body contact with
(their) instrument," and their legs even "wrap" around it so that "(i)t just feels natural." [The All State, 9-6-06]

And, I like to sit on the drums while playing them naked just to feel the vibration.

I just wonder if they've ever gotten their pubes caught in the strings.

Ouch!

The magazine Time Out New York reported in September on the "artistic palettes" of the Sprinkle Brigade of artists who dress up dog droppings on New York City streets with glittering candy bits and colorful toothpicks, for "urban beautification." [Time Out New York, 9-21-06]

What do they call themselves, the Pretty Poo Patrol? Or, maybe the Stylish Sh*t Squad? How 'bout the Classy Cr*p Convoy?

F*cking morons.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Ya, you read that correct.

Warning: the following link contains adult content. Viewer discretion is advised.

It looks like you, or someone you know, could be the next BIG thing.

An online adult shopping centre, LoveHoney, is hosting a casting call for all male exhibitionists, or any men who are proud of their "package".

If you make the "cut", you may be the next "member" to show your "cock" (oh wait, that last word didn't need an emphasis) to the online world.

They won't say what this is all about, but they do let you know that it has nothing to do with actual stunt cocks ("A 'stunt cock' is also the guy who supplies surplus semen during the making of a porn movie.").

Intriguing, isn't it?

Here's what you'll need:

An erect penis (for no longer than two minutes)
A small amount of dexterity
The ability to follow written instructions
A digital camera
An assistant (though you could do it on your own)
A cloth to clean up afterwards

Yup, get out your "mayonnaise pistol" or your "six shooter", or even your "super soaker", and begin dancing around the "maypole" because you might be the next "real deal".

Or, if you have that special musical talent, whip out your "trombone", "tuba" or "trouser flute", and play us all a neat little tune.

I just hope you're not the one to get the "shaft".

K, I'm done.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Secret project casting call [by Larry Hnetka Goes HMmmm]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Here is some more great news that headed my way care of the extraordinary, Jim.

A more conventional fetishist, Masashi Kamata, 28, was arrested in Nagoya, Japan, in October after police found about 5,000 pairs of used girls' and boys' shoes at a rented warehouse. "I was enjoying their smell," he said, according to Mainichi Daily News. [Mainichi Daily News, 11-1-06]

F*cking nutball.

Is there a contest going on encouraging people to be the world's biggest 'tard, or something?

In yet another case of a person practicing what is allegedly acceptable in another country but illegal in the United States, a 28-year-old woman from Cambodia was arrested in Las Vegas, Nev., in October for kissing her 6-year-old son's penis, which she said was simply an expression of motherly love. An official in California's Cambodian Association of America confirmed the custom to the Las Vegas Review-Journal but said it never extends past age 2. [Las Vegas Review-Journal, 10-14-06]

*shudder*

The Christian Retail Show in Denver in August demonstrated, said a Los Angeles Times report, nearly a parallel commercial universe, with hundreds of "Christian" versions of products and services, such as sweatbands, pajamas, dolls, health clubs, insurance agencies, tree trimmers and fragrances ("Virtuous Woman" perfume). One Retail Show visitor, though, was dismayed at the efforts to just "slap Jesus on (merchandise)." (Among the tougher sells would appear to be Book22.com, a Christian sex-toy Web site that sells condoms, vibrators and lubricants to married couples, but stocks no pornography or toys that encourage multiple-partner scenes.) [Los Angeles Times, 8-5-06; Toronto Star, 7-8-06]

Well, that's definitely a losing battle. Who in their right mind would go for porn and toys that encourage monogamy rather than fantasy.

Yuck! Blech! Couple sex. How disgusting!

Give me a good ol' three way, any day. Lol.

British performance artist Ian Thorley, working on grants from several local councils, did a week's stint on an Ashington street in October, stepping onto and off of a doormat while wearing a badge identifying him as a government doormat tester. [BBC News, 10-11-06]

Wooo... doormat tester. That's just genius artistry. Boy, I wish I could buy that and display at my house. What a masterpiece!

In case you didn't realise, I'm being sarcastic.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

You know the old tale of Scottish men and their kilts.

It seems the Scottish army is having to due to a lack of the ceremonial gear.

Military officials said Monday that more than 5,000 Scottish soldiers are having to share their kilts because defense chiefs have not finalized a contract to buy enough of the garments to go around.

The men, who face regular tours of duty in south Iraq and Afghanistan, have just 320 kilts, or one for every 15 soldiers.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Thanks again to Jim for more funny stuff.

In 2002, Jeffrey Klein and Brett Birdwell, both 17 at the time, trespassed onto a railroad yard in Lancaster, Pa., and climbed atop a boxcar to see what the view was like, but were severely burned by a 12,500-volt line on the roof and thus sued Amtrak and Norfolk Southern railroads for not having done enough to prevent them from trespassing. In October, a federal jury awarded the two men a total of about $12 million in compensatory damages plus $12 million in punitive damages.[MSNBC-AP, 10-27-06]

Duh.

Are judges really that stupid?

A 41-year-old engineer in suburban Toronto has accumulated, and worn, about 800 pairs of sports socks over 15 years (half of them off the feet of professional athletes), according to a lengthy November profile in Canada's National Post, which did not reveal his name. The worst part of his hobby, he said (besides having to keep it secret from his wife), is that he is often contacted by foot and sock fetishists, which he denies that he is, preferring to think of himself as sort of a "custodian of history," wrote the Post. [National Post (Toronto), 11-11-06]

I don't know about you, but that's not exactly something I'd be boasting about to the national newspaper.

In a deposition, Ennis, Texas, physician Aniruddha Chitale admitted that semen that patient Sherry Simpson found on her face after a 2004 colonoscopy was his and thus later pleaded guilty to sexual assault. However, in his deposition (according to a report by Dallas' WFAA-TV), Chitale insisted that the act that produced the semen was "unintentional." (Simpson is now suing Ennis Regional Medical Center for having tolerated Chitale's behavior.) [WFAA-TV (Dallas), 9-30-06]

Second of all - LOL!

How the h*ll does one defend "unintentional" facial jizz on a patient?

That poor woman, though. It's bad enough dealing with a colonoscopy, but to find cum on your face afterwards, ugh!

Perhaps the clinic could use this to their advantage. They could promote it: Every butt scope recipient receives free facial lotion.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

It seems some pervert chose a stabbing over having to wear a condom to get with a Cambodian prostitute:

A Cambodian man has been stabbed by a sex worker in a brawl, after he refused her request to wear a condom, police said Friday. Suon Da, 25, was knifed twice in the abdominal area by Sa Rida, a 24-year-old sex worker, during the fight at a brothel in Battambang province Wednesday, said Koam Roeuy, a deputy police chief from the area.

Koam Roeuy said Suon Da had paid Sa Rida $1.20 to have sex with her. But after Suon Da repeatedly refused to wear a condom, Sa Rida gave up and left the room.

Suon Da chased after her, demanding his money back and slapping the woman, Koam Roeuy said. Sa Rida responded by stabbing Suon Da in the stomach, he said.

This leads me to ask the question: if you had to decide between wearing a condom during sex or getting stabbed, which would you choose?

On a side note, holy cheap hookers, batman. $1.20, lol.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

You know, when I began this blog, I never thought I'd be writing about panda porn.

I never thought such a thing existed.

But, it seems Thailand - the land of sex and sexuality - has thought enough to create some panda pornography to get their bears mating:

After years of painstaking research, scientists say they have unleashed a baby boom among one of the world’s most beloved but endangered animals, China’s giant panda.

A bit of panda porn has helped too, they say.

“It works,” enthuses Zhang Zhihe, a leading Chinese expert, about showing uninitiated males DVDs of fellow pandas mating.

I mean, I know they have to be raised in captivity these days because human developments have taken away their habitat and all, but what's the point of hanging onto a thread?

I guess until they actually do go extinct, they've got their porn to keep them going.

And, in other panda news, it seems the animal's poo can bring in quite a profit for the zoo in Thailand.

When keepers of the country's panda couple - Chuang Chuang and Lin Hui - tired of disposing the 25 kilograms of feces daily produced by the duo, Prasertsak Buntragulpoontawee came up with the idea of turning it into notebooks, fans, bookmarks and key chains.

"At first the Chinese were very skeptical," said the head of Chiang Mai Zoo's panda unit, referring to the proprietary attitude China takes toward its iconic animal.

But the multicoloured paper products have proven hot selling-items at the zoo, with the the equivalent of about C$9,350 earned to date helping balance the accounts of panda keeping.

I just hope I don't get any mail from Thailand; I'm not sure I'll want to touch it.

And, imagine fanning yourself with sh*t.

I think that would make for both a hot and smelly day.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

More news bits come our way thanks to Jim.

Hard-working Britain: The Birmingham City Council revealed in October, first, that a man whose job is to paint white lines in the street made more than twice the average annual British wage, and then that a city lightbulb-changer was paid at about the same rate. [Reuters, 11-1-06]

Plus, street line painting is a prestigious occupation. Wouldn't you like that job? I know I would.

Heh heh heh.

And in October, London's Daily Mail profiled Keith Jackson, 57, an engineer for the AquaTec Coatings company in Wales, whose occupation for the last 30 years has been watching paint dry (to gauge its application time). He said the job pays "fairly well" but "can be stressful." [Daily Mail (London), 10-5-06]

How f*cking lazy is this guy if he gets stressed out over WATCHING PAINT DRY?

Lawrence Roach of Seminole, Fla., complained in October that the $1,200 monthly alimony payments he has been making to his ex-wife should end, now that she has undergone a sex-change. Said Roach, "I'm a man, and I don't want to be paying alimony to a man." (Legal experts were pessimistic about his chances.) [BayNews9.com (Tampa-St. Petersburg), 10-4-06]

Sucks for him, but I'm sure he'll have to pay anyhow seeing as it's the person, not the gender, that he is obligated to.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

At least, that's the way it seems these days as more and more weird doggy products become available. From wigs to clothing to psychological analysis, your dog can be pampered better than you ever were and ever will be.

With all that's going on, I wouldn't doubt if some day dogs rise up to take over the world. Screw worrying about alien life takeovers, we need to fear dogs... and no, I don't have cynophobia.

But, for those of you who choose to bow-wow down to the new poochie overlords, here is the latest popular puppy privilege: Canine Cafés.

The spare decor is understatedly chic. Whimsical sales displays hold $100 hand-woven dog collars imported from Germany and rhinestone covered leash grips.

The menu offers gourmet coffee, green tea and, for four-legged foodies, homemade ostrich liver biscuits and cakes with mashed-potato icing.

Some clients may have a pedigree, others a hazier though no less noble lineage. But the rules apply to all -- no leash, no service. Brawling and excessive barking prohibited.

What people are spending on their pets these days is what they used to spend on kids, if not more.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Jim sends us more great news bits. Thanks Jim.

Korinne Barnes, 29, a single mother of three running for the North Kingstown (R.I.) School Committee, was finally persuaded in September to remove her MySpace.com personal listing in which she described herself as "smart, sexy, fun" and a "voluptuous chocolate sister with a big booty." [Providence Journal, 9-21-06]

That profile is hardly offensive compared to some of the trash I've seen in MySpace.

The small, specialty restaurant Guolizhuang, in Beijing, serves mostly dishes made from various animal penises, according to a September BBC News dispatch, attracting discerning customers who come for the reputed health benefits. Sheep, horse, ox and seal are good for the circulation, said the restaurant's staff nutritionist, and donkey improves the skin. Tiger, she said, has no particular value to justify its high price, but snake ("two penises each," she said) is great for potency. [BBC News, 9-23-06]

Lol, I guess you can say that people in Beijing really like to eat cock.

Of course, we already eat chicken penis. Isn't that how McDonald's gets their nuggets?

In October, The Washington Post reported the growing movement among psychiatrists to call compulsive buying a separate, identifiable disorder and recounted this 62-year-old "shopaholic's" therapeutic conversation with herself: "I would say (to the jewelry she felt compelled to buy), 'You are so beautiful, I can't live without you, I love the way you sparkle.' The jewelry would say back, 'You need me. You look pretty when you wear me.' I would say, 'I do need you. I can't possibly think of being without you. But something has to change. I need to stop this. I can't afford a penny more.'" The patient said she eventually came to believe that her compulsion stemmed from her relationship with her mother. [Washington Post, 10-13-06]

Doesn't it sound like the psychiatrist gave her a new form of nuttiness to add to her compulsion? I mean, yes, bad to be a clinical shopaholic, but isn't it just as bad to be talking to some inanimate object like jewelry, especially when it talks back?

Duh.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Once again, Jim comes through with some intriguing and quite funny news pieces.

A traffic officer in eastern Ontario, who ticketed a speeding motorist from Switzerland in September, said the driver blamed it on the lack of goats. He told the officer that he felt liberated to drive fast because, unlike in his country, there were no goats wandering onto the highway. [BBC News-AFP, 9-7-06]

Obviously this person wasn't driving around in my home town where the mountain goats come down onto the highways and laze about during the summer.

Hey, thinking about it, I suppose I can use that excuse if I'm ever caught for speeding, too. "But, officer, I'm used to goats wandering the streets; and without them, I lose all control and cannot resist speeding."

I guess we can just be glad it wasn't the other way around where he speeds up to ram goats intentionally.

Although, I've never tried goat steak before.

And, speaking of goat assault, here's a bizarre tale:

Authorities in the Nigerian village of Isseluku arrested a man for killing his brother in September, but the man insisted that he had only tried to move a goat from his farm but that when it wouldn't move, he hit it with an ax, at which point it turned into his brother (according to an Associated Press report). [South Florida Sun-Sentinel-AP, 9-17-06]

I wonder, if he is ever caught "doing" a goat, will he be arrested for committing incest?

Now, speaking of freaky sex acts,

Charles Henson was convicted of attempted murder in Bristol, England, in October, but insisted he couldn't have done it. His ex-wife said he had stuffed his latex-gloved hand down her throat, knowing that she had a latex allergy that would be fatal within minutes. Henson said that was impossible because, according to the couple's "contract" setting out their sadomasochism, bondage and domination rules, "section four" states very clearly that "the master does not have a right to kill the slave." [The Guardian (London), 10-17-06]

And, I don't know, but it's a little disturbing realising that a Henson may have stuffed his hand into something merely for sexual gratification.

I wonder if he called her his dirty little muppet.

Lol, did I go too far?

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Some more great news came my way thanks to Jim.

Underachieving former St. Thomas Law School (Miami) student Thomas Bentey filed a federal class action lawsuit against the school in August, alleging that it knew when it accepted him that he couldn't muster the necessary 2.5 grade-point average to stay in school (and thus defrauded him, and dozens of his classmates of similar talent). [National Lew Journal, 9-1-06]

I'm sure if you looked at the kid, you'd know right away.

Duh.

Christopher Bordne, 17, was arrested in September in Newton, Mass., after a police officer, waiting behind Bordne at a traffic light at 1:40 a.m. through several light changes, checked to find Bordne with his foot on the brake but otherwise sound asleep. After yelling at Bordne and rapping repeatedly on the window with his flashlight, the officer watched as Bordne woke up, drove off and crashed into a tree. [Daily News Tribune (Newton), 9-19-06]

And, who wants to bet the kid sues the officer for waking him and causing him to crash?

Adult video star Mary Carey, once again running for governor of California, said she is a new person from the woman who was an also-ran in 2003: "I've got brown in my hair (instead of the 2003 blond) because brunettes are taken more seriously." She said she also has lost weight, replaced her teeth, gotten breast implants, and given up smoking, contraceptives and alcohol. "I've actually been sober for five days now," she said on Aug. 9. (Carey dropped out of the race on Oct. 23 to care for her mother, who is recovering after a recent fall.) [Reuters, 8-9-06]

Like, brown is taken, like, so much seriouslier.

You know.

Tee-hee.

And, like, sober for, like, 5 days. That's, like, so hot.

Tee-hee.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink

Thank you, Jim, for these news pieces. They're always great finds.

In September, police in the Georgia towns of Perry and Americus were investigating incidents probably involving the same unnamed man, who provided an additional dimension to the typical foot-fetishist: religion. An 80-year-old Wal-Mart shopper in Perry reported that the man was sitting on the floor of an aisle and asked her for help with his "religious" ritual. The lady accommodated him by stepping on his hands and then spitting on him, but when he began to lick her feet, she called for help. [Macon Telegraph, 9- 20-06]

How sick do you have to be, licking?

Least Competent Drug Agents: Just after federal and local narcotics agents cut down and bundled for destruction massive quantities of marijuana plants at a site in California's Marin County in September, officials reported that, despite security, 1,200 of the plants had been stolen before they could be taken away. [Marin Independent Journal, 9-2-06]

No agent would ever steal drugs; they're all innocent.

Either that, or they really are incompetent.

And, now for some news from some nether regions:

The Latest News From Places That Lack Sunshine: According to a September Reuters report, four gang-member inmates at the maximum-security Zacatecoluca lockup in El Salvador were caught with "cell phones, a phone charger and spare chips" in their rectums, "far enough (in) to reach their intestines," according to prison official Ramon Arevalo. [Reuters, 9-7-06]

Yes, I have a cell, but I also know there are a lot of rude idiots out there with them, too.

And in September, arrestee Melissa Roberge, 25, allegedly set fire to the mattress and blanket in her jail cell in Conway, N.H. She had earlier been frisked, but after the fire, a full-body search revealed a cigarette lighter in an unspecified "body cavity." [Caledonian-Record (St. Johnsbury, Vt.)-AP, 9-2-06]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Aren't you sick of seeing those messages in your email box?

Well, perhaps the next new product out there could end those nasty spams.

I doubt it, but I suppose it's possible.

Thanks goes to MacBro's Place for sending this in and enabling us to learn a little about AussieBum and their bulging underwear.

Wonderjocks help men "look bigger". The company AussieBum has created the Wonderjocks underwear, which are specially packed so that men can have the appearance of an increased size down below. Also known as the male version of faking it.

Anyone else humming the AC/DC lyrics to Big Balls right about now?

I've got big balls
Oh I've got big balls
And they're such big balls
Dirty big balls
And he's got big balls
And she's got big balls
(But we've got the biggest balls of them all)

Lol.

Nevertheless, does size really matter?

I thought it was all in how you use it.

Besides, if women cared at all about the size of a man's package, don't you think getting home and taking off those ginch in front of her might turn her off when she learns the truth?

Duh.

Anyhow, I can see where this whole underwear thing will go: AussieBum undies will be the start of it, then Hanes will compete by making an even BIGGER bulge, and to complete with the rest, Fruit of the Loom will create the GIGANTI-BULGE.

Thanks again MacBro's Place

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Here's some more great news brought to us by Jim.

In a September raid, sheriff's deputies in Vista, Calif., seized jars of urine from the home of a suspected methamphetamine user. Deputies said the user appeared to be saving his own urine in order to extract, and reuse, the meth he had already used. A Drug Enforcement Administration agent said he was unsure whether the practice was widespread. [North County Times (Escondido, Calif.), 9-15-06]

A September episode of the periodic NBC "Dateline" stings of online child sex predators, in Long Beach, Calif., turned up 38 arrestees, including one who is apparently beyond embarrassment, since he had already been busted once by "Dateline." [Los Angeles Times, 9-11-06]

Alfred Thomas Steven, 69, was arrested in the La Purisma Mission park in Lompoc, Calif., in September, and cited for trespassing and animal cruelty for attempting to satisfy himself sexually with a horse. According to police, Steven apparently had anointed himself with olive oil and coated his nude body in feed grain or oats, and then lay down so that the horse would nibble and lick him. Deputies said he told them that it was a longtime fantasy. [KSBY-TV (San Luis Obispo, Calif.), 9-6-06]

I guess it only makes sense, though, I mean, look at the guy's age. He probably planned this years ago to be part of his 69th birthday adventure. I just wonder if he coated the oats on every part of his body.

Ouch.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Selling bottled air is not a new cheesy attempt at profiting off of idiots; it's been done before.

But now, some guy is trying to sell a special kind of air: Olympic air.

A Chinese entrepreneur is suing a Beijing trade bureau for denying him a permit to sell bags of "World Cup air" and for scotching his plans to bottle and sell "2008 Olympic air," a newspaper said on Thursday.

Li Jie, who describes himself as chief executive of the Lunar Embassy to China and once tried to sell land on the moon, sought a permit to sell "World Cup air" for 50 yuan ($6.30) a bag to soccer enthusiasts unable to make the trip to Germany this year.

His idea was that fans could hang the green plastic bag around their necks and breathe in the air while watching World Cup matches on television, local media reported.

But the Chaoyang Industry and Commerce Bureau had rejected his application on the grounds that "special air from special places" was not classified as "an industrial category," the Beijing News said.

Well, seeing as the 2010 Winter Olympics is coming here, I'd better jump on this insane bandwagon and bottle some Whistler air.

I'll be a millionaire, I tells ya.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Give Thanks Every Day (Open Trackback Wednesday) [by Right Truth]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

If you're horny in Seoul, you might have to keep your pants on for a while because it seems "love motels" are booked solid these days.

Ever since the October 9th nuclear explosion in North Korea, South Koreans have been getting in touch with their primal urges. Condom sales at convenience stores has gone up by approximately 400 packs sold per day:

A leading chain of convenience stores reported Thursday that their condom sales rose to an average of 1,930 a day in the week after Oct. 9, compared to 1,508 a day.

A popular online reservation site for South Korea's ubiquitous "love motels" - the popular term for lodgings built for clandestine rendezvous - also reported a rise in bookings immediately after the heightened security threat.

The motels are a fixture across South Korea. In one of the world's most densely populated countries, where extended families often live together, such accommodations provide a refuge for those seeking discreet intimate encounters.

They can just go ahead and thank that loonie Kim Jong Il for this one.

Quite truthfully, I never thought Kim Jong Il would be one to arouse sexuality in others.

Deter, yes, but provoke, no.

*shudder*

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Posted by Samantha at 12:12 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Thanks again goes to Jim for these gems.

In an August segment on WWLP-TV (Springfield, Mass.), police chief Anthony Scott of Holyoke, Mass., described the extent of a recent domestic fight in which Ms. Yesenia Ortiz retaliated against alleged aggressor Victor Cruz: "She grabbed another knife and stabbed him in the winky...." (Cruz was arrested and taken to a hospital for treatment of his winky.) [WWLP-TV (Springfield), 8-14-06]

In an August rafting tournament on the Vuoksa River near St. Petersburg, Russia, which used only inflatable dolls of the kind typically sold in adult boutiques, Igor Osipov, 40, was disqualified upon finishing the race when (according to a report by Moscow News) observers "saw signs of recent sexual activity on (Osipov)'s doll." [Moscow News, 8-28-06]

The 30-year-old traditional festival of eel-"bowling" in the fishing village of Lyme Regis, England, was canceled in July after complaints from an animal rights activist that it was disrespectful to eels. In the ritual, teams of anglers stand on platforms and swing a giant (but dead) conger eel, attached to the ceiling, to see who will be the last person standing. Said a spokesman for the charitable event, which raises money for lifeboat crews, "But it's a dead conger, for Pete's sake. I shouldn't think the conger could care one way or another." [Reuters, 7-29-06]

In Jhalabordi village in India in August, a pigeon fell into a well, and five villagers went in, in succession, to rescue first the pigeon, and then the succeeding Samaritans, but all five died. And in Surkhondaryo province in Uzbekistan in August, a father and son were digging an overflow pit for an outdoor toilet when the walls collapsed, and five neighbors in succession were lowered into the pit to attempt a rescue, but all seven people wound up dead. [Herald Sun (Melbourne)-Reuters, 8-10-06] [News24.com (Cape Town)-Agence France-Presse, 8-14-06]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

No wonder so many unusual things occur in New Delhi, the place is run by monkeys.

They're out on the streets, riding the subways, acting as police officers, and are heads of parliament.

Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but it's not much of a stretch from the truth when the people there allow monkeys into every facet of their lives, all because they're considered sacred.

"Monkeys and humans have long coexisted in India, where Hindus consider the primates sacred. In the ancient Sanskrit epic the Ramayana, the monkey god Hanuman symbolizes wisdom, devotion, righteousness and strength. Most days, but especially every Tuesday, devout Hindus feed Delhi's monkeys a feast of bananas and peanuts."

"Most big cities in the world face the same kinds of problems: traffic, pollution, crime. Then there is New Delhi, which has a challenge rarely encountered elsewhere — monkeys. Hungry Rhesus macaques roam the streets and even the subway, leap through treetops outside grand government buildings and scale fences of companies and private homes in search of open windows and tempting food. Even Delhi's police headquarters has been raided by a monkey gang.

And to deal with such a rare urban problem, Delhi has come up with an unusual response: it's launched a monkey arms race. Companies and city officials have started employing langurs — large, black-faced apes — to protect buildings and scare off the smaller rhesus monkeys. "Any langur will do the business," says Zahid Khan, 20, who has been handling langurs since he was eight and most days chains one or two outside the Press Trust of India building, which houses TIME's Delhi bureau. "The monkeys are petrified of them."

I know. They'll get the idea to secretly train troops of primates to do their bidding.

They'll teach them to invade first world countries everywhere and steal everything they can.

You heard it here first, folks.

New Delhi will soon be a first world superpower.

Alright, I've really gotta cut down on sniffing the kids' play glue.

Previous/Related: Monkey Gender Dichotomy, Stoned Monkey, Zookeepers At It Again

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Posted by Samantha at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I'm thankful once again to Jim who sent these humourous news bits.

Artists Gone Too Far: (1) An August Los Angeles exhibition by photographer Jill Greenberg featured 27 2- and 3-year-old kids crying, scenes that Greenberg provoked by offering each one a lollipop and then snatching it away. She admitted that the photos were "upsetting" but denied critics' accusations of child abuse. [Guardian (London), 7-26-06]

In August, police in Mumbai, India, decided to get a professional opinion from the local JJ School of Art as to whether a downtown video and photographic exhibition was obscene and should be closed down. (The school's opinion of the show, "Tits, Clits and Elephant Dick," has not been reported.) [Times of India, 8-7-06]

Performance artist Kira O'Reilly's August show in Penzance, England, "Inthewrongplaceness," consisted of a naked woman cradling a dead pig for four hours at a time. O'Reilly explained, on her Web site: "The work left me with an undercurrent of pigginess (and) unexpected fantasies of mergence and interspecies metamorphoses began to flicker into my consciousness." People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals called the performance merely "sick." [Reuters, 8-18-06]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

If you didn't think lawyers could sink any lower, you were wrong.

Abducted by aliens? Call now for compensation:

A German lawyer hopes to drum up more business by pursuing state compensation claims for people who believe they were abducted by aliens.

"There's quite obviously demand for legal advice here," Jens Lorek told Reuters by telephone on Thursday. "The trouble is, people are afraid of making fools of themselves in court."

Side note: I didn't know they had fellas named Billy-Bob or Cletus in Germany.

Lorek, 41, is pinning his hopes for success on a German law which grants kidnap victims the right to state compensation.

Asked if he was worried he might look ridiculous by seeking justice for clients haunted by aliens, Lorek was unfazed.

"Nobody has laughed about it up until now."

What's next?

Suing the government for allowing Santa and the Easter Bunny to enter homes in the middle of the night, aka Bunny B&Es or Kriss Kringle Capers.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink

'Cause paying $10 for a beverage that tastes like poo isn't bad enough:

Starbucks jacks up prices of coffee, beans in U.S. and Canada

Ugh.

There's bad news for Internet time-wasters as some dweebs create an internet monitoring system.

In my opinion, if companies purchase this thing, it's almost like they'll be begging for a shoot-out in the building.

I mean, how many disgruntled employees will there be if techies can't do SOMETHING while they're waiting for their program to complete, or for all the infinite things they have to wait for on a daily basis?

Duh.

Previous/Related: Ticka Ticka Ticka, Cachink, Cachink

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Posted by Samantha at 10:33 AM | Permalink

Some more great news bits from Jim, with a few commentaries from me.

"Carlos the Jackal," who is perhaps the world's most notorious terrorist and who is serving life in prison in France, filed a lawsuit earlier this year against the head of French intelligence for illegally capturing him while he was sedated in a liposuction clinic in Khartoum, Sudan, in 1994. [The Scotsman, 6-29-06]

Now, I suppose the US isn't the only country in the world that has people trying to cash in on absurd notions. Wouldn't it be funny, though, if he actually won.

ExxonMobil, the company that announced jaw-dropping profits of $18.7 billion for the first half of 2006, said in June that it would fight the U.S. Justice Department over $92 million that the government said the company owes in the still-uncompleted 1989 Exxon Valdez oil-spill cleanup. [New York Times, 6-2-06]

I may not be an environmentalist nutjob, but I do know that if you make a mistake, you fix it.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

At least, that's my lamentable prediction after they have the meeting on Monday:

Pope invites envoys of Muslim states to meeting.

He better have a good squad at his back to diffuse the bombs before they go off.

And, in other news of death, it seems the Tequila man died: The Man Who Shouted `tequila! Dead at 77.

Imagine, gaining wealth off shouting one, single word. Wouldn't it be nice?

Here's my attempt: VODKA!

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Jim handed me some weird news bits worthy of sharing, so I added a few commentaries for your enjoyment.

Garrett Sapp filed a lawsuit in July seeking compensation for injuries from a 2004 auto accident in West Des Moines, Iowa, in which Christopher Garton's car, turning, hit Sapp's because Garton's attention was diverted by (according to a police report) the oral sex he was receiving from his wife. [Des Moines Register, 7-26-06]

The robber of a Bank of America branch in Tampa, Fla., in August is actually still at large, but according to witnesses, the bag of cash he took and stuffed down his pants as he fled had exploded, from the chemical dye pack inside, creating a temperature of about 425 degrees. Said a police spokesperson, "There's no way that he was not injured." (In his spirited post-ignition dash, the man jettisoned almost all the money.) [Tampa Tribune, 8-10-06]

Ouch, to say the least.

I say all the cops have to do is go down to the local lake, and look for a guy who's fishing for trouser trout. Or, perhaps go to the grocery store and look for a guy who's shopping for tube steak.

From an Atlanta police report, summarized in a July issue of the weekly Creative Loafing: A man working on a house on Smith Street was taken to Grady Memorial Hospital with serious injuries to his posterior. He happened to be bending over next to a wall that, unknown to him, a worker on the other side was drilling into, and the drill bit entered his "anal cavity." [Creative Loafing (Atlanta), 7-5-06]

Besides, I think that guy has suffered enough.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

123beta sent these my way some time ago when they were fresh to help me out when I couldn't blog as frequently. But, I wasn't around the computer to post them, so here they are now.

Pregnant man?

Ew.

Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew.

Songs we can do without. Forever.

I concur. I mean, really, I concur wholeheartedly.

Impersonating a pussy...

That's funny. What a brat.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM |