The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

Hope your day is a great one!

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Posted by Samantha at 08:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Lol, in case it wasn't "glaring" at you, the image has been changed...

at least, temporarily.

I still like my original shot better, so it'll likely go back up.

The change is just a little present for Mark Shipley who previously wrote:

Sam, you have to change that picture on your site. You look like you are really pissed and are ready to slap some teeth out!
And would it hurt to lose the hair clips?
They are so yesterday, sister!

;-D

(I'll be putting the OTA trackback article back up top for this weekend; scroll down to add your trackbacks to it now if you're looking for it)

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Posted by Samantha at 07:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Where did those come from?

Lol.

Thanks to Tramp at Tramp's Riverbank, I've been exposed.

Apparently, this ad was found on my site, so I guess the terrible truth is out... I have giant knockers, I mean, I'm a swimsuit model.

Maybe I should switch my top picture for this image, lol.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Good Stuff Tuesday [by 123beta]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (17)

If I were to start a university focusing on the education of sex and sexuality, I'd call it F*ck University, or F*ck U for short.

Someone: What school do you go to?

Response: FU

Someone: Don't get nasty; it was just a question.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I got a kick out of these images that Jim sent in, so I thought you might too.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Why Men Should Not Purchase Baby T-shirts [by The World According To Carl]
Six Reasons Why Men SHOULD Dress Their Children [by Six Meat Buffet]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Thanks goes to Jim for sending in these funnies.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
WED MAR 28 A Whole Lot of Nothing But Lyin' Democrats [by The Pink Flamingo]
Why Men Should Not Purchase Baby T-shirts [by The World According To Carl]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

I received some awesome Christmas gifts (thank you *hugs* - you know who you are), and I've been using the books I got to practise becoming a better drawer/artist.

And, here are the fruits of holiday practising:

From Drawing: The Head and Figure...

From Manga...

Not perfect, but also not a bad start, eh?

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Hope you are having a great day!

Here's a little extra to boost your holiday cheer.

For her.

For him.

PS - I won't be blogging today, tomorrow, and the remainder of the week, but look forward to a week of Classic Sam. That's right, I'm revisiting some of the work I've done over the past year, so enjoy.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

No, this isn't going to turn into a recipes blog, but I thought I'd share one of the quickest, easiest ways to add some poundage over the holidays.

Ingredients
2 1/2 tbsp butter
1 c. marshmallows
1/4 tsp vanilla
2 c. rice crispies cereal

In microwave-safe bowl, melt butter and marshmallows together. Stir in vanilla, add cereal and stir 'til coated.

Press into pan. Cool. Cut into Squares. Devour.

Makes 8 squares, enough for one or one people (supposed to be one or two people, but you know you'll eat the whole lot).

Of course, if that's too much work for you, then there's always 7-11.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Happy Thanksgiving to my US buds out there.

Pack some leftovers to send my way, eh ;-D

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

In Flanders Fields
By: Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae, MD (1872-1918)
Canadian Army

IN FLANDERS FIELDS the poppies blow
Between the crosses row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.

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Posted by Samantha at 07:52 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I was not aware.

I'm sorry titties, I'll pay more attention to you for the remainder of this month.

Here are some furry fun and stress subduing things you may want for yourself.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Today is Canuck Thanksgiving, so I'm taking a break to get drugged up and pass out from some turkey tryptophan.

I'm gonna sleep good tonight!

Anyhow, there's a Moron of the Week for you to guess at, and please enjoy some of the archived material.

Happy Gobble Gobble!

Picture selection courtesy of PERV (please ignore the yummy, I mean poor, innocent cranberries lying helplessly on the plate waiting to be devoured by me, I mean some ruthless, savage veggie eater).

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Posted by Samantha at 12:15 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Came across this at Peace of my mind's place and had to do my own:

#1 Taxes :: poor

#2 Hooray :: it's Friday

#3 Justification :: I'm right

#4 Shocking :: but true

#5 Bureaucracy :: leaders

#6 Porn :: sex

#7 Silly :: fool

#8 DJ :: dancing

#9 Swing :: sex

#10 Anti- :: global warming

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Non-Charged Word Association [by Hundie Jo dot com]

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Posted by Samantha at 08:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I was at Yippee-Ki-Yay's place (the sicko likes Mondays for some reason, by the way) when I came across a post that links to Dustbury who links to Caterina.net.

Lol.

Anyhow, the posts are regarding Ernest Hemingway's micro-short story that ran all of 6 words:

Ernest Hemingway was once prodded to compose a complete story in six words. His answer, personally felt to be his best prose ever, was "For sale: baby shoes, never used."

Here are some I liked:

Shortest sex manual: In. Out. Repeat.
"My advice is to say nothing"
Do you want fries with that?

Now, here are a few I've thought of:
1. Some blogs rock; some suck sh*t.
2. Remind me not to do that.
3. When I think, you see smoke.
(that last one would be my dad's favourite)

And, here's my two parter:
4. Her comment: What are you thinking?
5. His response: Shoot me now... PLEASE!

Now, it's your turn. Come up with your own 6 word short story.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Short Story: 6 Word Stories [by Nukes and Candy]

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

She was sitting by the window looking outside today and noticed a neighbour do a perfect parallel in her car.

My mom said every time she sees this person driving, the person parks her car perfectly every time.

I thought little of it until all of a sudden, my mom commented further...

And, she's a blonde too.

Previous/Related: The Best Blonde Joke Ever!

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Posted by Samantha at 06:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Seeing as Blogger Boobygate is choking everyone up, I thought I'd add to the plot by providing my own week-long Sextravaganza.

Now, as most of you probably already know, I'm not one to enter into a Blog conflict, but when I do, it usually dissipates rather quickly. So, for this one, I'm not intending to hurt anyone's feelings or tick anyone off, but I am going to have a bit o' fun.

I mean, for one thing, you all know that I am not one to shy away from showing a half-naked Pamela Anderson or from talking about sex and sexuality.

I guess that's all part of this blogger's personality.

And, I probably wouldn't Boob Blog myself, but I'm not below exploiting others or discussing things of a naughty nature. But, I guess I should mention that I primarily wouldn't Vlog (video blog) because I don't have the equipment (and by equipment, I mean camcorder, not breasts - I have breasts, two nice, juicy, plump ones, too. Lol.).

Anyhow, for those of you who don't know about Blogger Boobygate, Tits For Hits, or any of that other sexy stuff, here's a little history for you.

If you haven't seen these tantalizing and feisty links, now's your chance (I'll let you know when it may be NSFW).

Continue reading "It's A Blogosphere Sextravaganza!" »

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

You know, with all the mistakes and snafus that NASA is making and going through, people are going to stop using the term "rocket scientist" in a positive way.

It's going to go from

"Wow, you're smart like a rocket scientist"

"Man, that guy's an idiot; he's such a rocket scientist".

What career term will we use to relay how intelligent a person is?

Related: Shuttle Atlantis may have lost parts in space, Fuel sensor problem leads NASA to put off launch another day, Shuttle Atlantis blasts off after weeks of delays

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Once you're done visiting here, why not head on over to my Blogads sponsors and read up on what they have to say.

123beta has a post on an upcoming movie that may contain essential knowledge.

And, Blogs of War discusses Iran and Lebanon, sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Andy Warhol would be celebrating his birthday this Sunday, August 6th, so I thought I'd have some fun with that idea.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

Well, that didn't work out. I tried putting the game up on my site, but it's not working, so here's the link to the game via another route.

The Toilet Aimer Game

40240 was my high score.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink

What is with everyone paddling a red canoe down the river.

I can't imagine I'm the only one who's noticed this.

It starts with Al Gore rowing down the Connecticut River.

Next, there's Tom Hanks paddling in a red canoe telling us all to send money or something to conserve the wetlands.

Thanks, but I'd rather preserve my pocketbook.

And now, in a commercial out there, ITT Technical Institute is 'pushing their wares' by deciding to row downstream in a, what? ya, a red canoe.

Does red + canoe = purity, or innocence, or something?

I don't get it, but it's sure annoying.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I recently came up with an impulse buy item that Ole Blue The Heretic might be interested in.

Sell brain farts.

I'm having one now.

Okay, so sleep has been sold; air has been sold; and water has been sold by the bottles full.

What else is there?

Anyone got any ideas of what other free and completely ridiculous items could be sold by the millions to the gullible?

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Found at alldumb, here are some condoms for the cheapskate in you.

Now that's what I call an economy pack. Enjoy some used condoms.

But, for those who want some newer, unsoiled ones, go here:

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Open Up Your Wallet Cheapskate [by The World According to Nick]

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

You are searching for camel toe so I've decided to be nice to my readers and I've found a non-scam site you can view your cameltoe "needs". Just follow this link. HA!

Thanks goes to Committees of Correspondence for sending these images my way.

They go well with the previous Camel Toe, Anyone? article, except this is more like a full body camel toe.

Continue reading "Camel Toe, Anyone? Episode 2" »

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Posted by Samantha at 10:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

Happy Birthday to me,
Happy Birthday to me,...

you know the rest.

So, what am I doing on this unholiest of days ('cause I'm such a saint and all, eh)?

I have diddly-squat planned. Well, I'm going to dinner with a few friends and maybe watch a movie with them, but nothing outrageous, or even interesting in any way this year. Most of my friends who really know what I like to do and where I like to go are back in my hometown, but looking forward to making new memories with my more recent friends.

And, I'm going to be self-indulgent right now and mention that if you want to give me a little birthday lovin', my wishlist and donation button is down on the left.

I also want to add an extremely grateful thank you to those who have already sent me some birthday love. I'm really going to love reading those Chronicles of Narnia.

MR.BIG informed me that he was a sneak while I was away last weekend, and he put up an article letting you all know I was about to get a little bit older, I mean that my b-day was coming up.

Since I don't actually get paid for blogging, it really means a lot, being given the support and truly kind words and emails that you've given me. It suggests that I'm on the right track in my writing and in how I approach my blog and reader friends.

Truly appreciated, thanks, and now I'm off to find some cake to eat, lol.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Diane's Stuff [by Another Year Crazier]
Happy Birthday, Sam! [by Shock and Blog]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (14)

I don't know how others feel about blogging, but the way I see it is it's a sort of like a business. The blog owner wants to be in control or at least know the inner workings of the system.

At least, I've been feeling this way, and not being a computeratician or data processinator, it makes it difficult to really know the system. So, I've been having the fortune of MR.BIG teach me some stuff so that I can manage more of my own blog.

It's pretty cool, but it's been making me ponder... ponder... ponder...

I wonder if this is how corporate heads feel – like they have the power of the business, but they feel powerless because they don’t know everything about the inner workings.

Perhaps that’s why they always seem to come up with stupid ideas or “new initiatives�. Perhaps it gives them a sense of control to incorporate new strategies even if the company's doing fine as it is.

Anyhow, that's just my weird philosophizing for the day.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like they're getting the snowjob everytime they go into a hotel and notice the "save the environment" card in the bathroom?

You know, that little speech they give you on a card that says something about since they're a hotel that's environmentally conscious, they would like you to hang the towels you are still using and put the towels you'd like replaced/cleaned on the floor.

They usually spew some info like by doing so, the hotel will be able to save over 100,000 gallons of water per week and 10,000 gallons of laundry detergent.

Uh huh, sure.

To me, that's so hoaky. We all know that they aren't doing it for the environment - it's to save a buck in cleaning bills.

Although I practice this regardless, I think it's rather lame to pawn it off as one thing when it's another.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I refuse to return to McDonalds until they bring back the styrofoam cups!

Okay, even then I won't do it, but you get the point. I'm on one of my "anti-environmental freak" kicks.

Mmmm... kicking environmentalists, gurgle.

I wouldn't doubt if just saying the word "styrofoam" clenches a few environmentalists' butt muscles.

Heh, heh, styrofoam.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

slutty canadians
playful pick up lines
fart burn pictures
gay canadian oil wrestling
crazy dog sex
my ex-wife is an moron
I want to stand to pee
leaving the scene jail
visiting family makes me crazy
LEAVING THE SCENE OF AN ACCIDENT
scor bars
crazy solutions to poverty
name place crazy people go

My favourites: slutty canadians (how did they know?), leaving the scene of an accident (you caught me), scor bars (mmmm... scor bars, gurgle), and of course...

name place crazy people go (of course, they found my blog, you have to be crazy to read my stuff, lol)

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

You know, thinking of Difster's article and my related discussion, I have come to a thought that puts it in perspective for me.

The question of the time was

Why is it that men should have to put the toilet seat down for us women? Why can't women put the toilet seat UP for men?

My epiphany is that the toilet seat issue is a MUST in a relationship. I mean, just as a relationship has its ups and downs, so does the toilet seat.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I don't know what's going on with my brain, but I woke up in the morning with this statement and this response at the forefront of my thoughts.

For a moment, just pretend this statement is true.

In life, I am all, but one thing - and, that one thing is...

(What is your response? Please comment in the comment section if you have one.)

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

In keeping with the Chinese New Year celebration, here is a page where you can find your own English name translated to Chinese.

Here's mine.

So, if you're thinking of getting a tattoo in Chinese like so many others do, there's a thought.

Some Proverbs:

A smile will gain you ten more years of life :-)
Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.
Those who have free seats at a play hiss first.
Great souls have wills; feeble ones have only wishes.
Have a mouth as sharp as a dagger but a heart as soft as tofu.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:03 PM | Permalink

Iced cappuccino vodka Mudshakes

With that stuff you can either get a caffeine buzz or an alcohol buzz, or both.

But, it is a contradiction that my mind can't make heads nor tails out of...

Iced cappucino = stay up all night.

Vodka = pass out

I don't know how to feel right about now.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

I have to share this one with you all because it's a favourite of mine that my dad used to tease me with.

My dad used to always tell me whenever he could that I was good and kind.

Aw, how nice, eh.

That's what I thought.

Then, he'd come out with it.

You're Good and Kind. Good for nothing and Kinda stupid.

As you can tell, my dad and I teased each other lots. Gee wonder where I got my sense of humour from, lol.

But, if you think "stupid" is too harsh a word, you can always substitute it with the word "slow".

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Posted by Samantha at 01:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

YAY, day 7 is here.

How'd you all do? Are you going to continue a lifelong pursuit of living a non-smoking lifestyle? How was it for you and how do you feel at this point in your achievement?

I think self-talk is the key at this stage in telling yourself how disgusting taking a drag would be and how the phlem and coughing is no longer desirable in your life. And, let's not forget the horrible stink breath and yellow teeth.

And, remind yourself of how repulsive the smell of smoke is, regardless of how you really feel about it, because if you say something long enough, a person starts believing it.

It's like some personal psychology or something, but it works in most aspects of life, if not all areas.

Finally, just because BWBW is over doesn't mean your goal has to be. I am still willing to be here for you if you need someone to gripe to about quitting or need any encouragement.

Good luck to you all for the future!

Thank you very much goes out to Dianes Stuff and I'm Just a Girl for starting the BWBW.

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Posted by Samantha at 09:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Only one day left of the BWBW, but if you've gone this far, you can go forever if you choose. Good luck to you all in your commitment!

A little encouragement for the men quitting.

And, a little encouragement for the women quitting.

Funny and true cartoon.

And, here's another motivation. They say that smoking causes wrinkles.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:08 AM | Permalink

This one had some responses worth checking out here.

Why do some animals produce little round poops and others don't? You know, like rabbits make bunny pellets and goats have circular turds, but humans and cows, well... you know.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

This is too (finger quote) funny (end finger quote) for me...

"I'm in a bus stuck in traffic. I look out the window down at this woman driving alone in her car. She's talking on her cell phone. After watching her continue to talk for 15 seconds or so, I see her suddenly put the cell between her ear and shoulder, release the steering wheel and use both hands to give the "in quotes" gesture. I'm sure this helped alleviate any possible misinterpretation of what she was saying to the person on the other end of the phone."

There are plenty more bizarre and hilarious overheard conversations like this one at Overheard In New York.com.

Hat Tip: Cyber Chocolate

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Posted by Samantha at 05:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I've decided to take this award thing a little more seriously.

As such I've hired an enforcer. Your IP addresses are being tracked and will be cross referenced with the results.

If you don't vote for me, I will be forced to send Butch here to your home, and I can assure you, he won't be serving tea and biscuits.

'Cause he's bad.

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Posted by Samantha at 04:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

FYI - no need to panic about me going "Canadian" on you all, lol.

I realise I've been sharing more Canadian content articles since I was nominated in those award categories, but I expect to be back to my "normal" self by tomorrow.

Even if I go on to round two, which is most likely, I will not be going overboard on the Canadiana the second time around.

Some of you might enjoy reading it, but I don't enjoy writing so much of it because there's so much more I can be writing about, like dumba$$ celebs and weird news from around the world, oddities of daily life, etc.

I love my country, but I don't have to prove that by writing about it constantly.

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Posted by Samantha at 02:55 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

I don't get why, as bloggers, we sometimes put up the warning, "not work safe" for links to naughty or indecent content.

Um... isn't anything you look at while you're at work "not work safe"? I mean aren't you supposed to be, uh, WORKING?

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Posted by Samantha at 01:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

you've just got to know how to word it correctly to authorities.

Lost in Limo Ohio sent me a recent search hit found in her stats from some Canadian. Read the part "Search Words".

Yes, us Canucks can be that loony, hence the name of our $1 coin. But, what I want to know is why Lost in Lima Ohio is writing about locking kids in mental institutions, lol.

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