The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

This one's thanks to Jim.

It's an animated one, so if you'd like to see it moving, here's a link: Animated Sheet Music - Prelude du Fornication.

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Posted by Samantha at 07:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

I'm going to try my hardest today to get something up here for you.

Going to get some rest, then I'll do my best to write something half-decent.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

PS - THIS IS AN ALL DAY OPEN TRACKBACK POST SINCE I SCREWED UP THIS WEEKEND.

Trackbacking info: Showcase your best work; attract new readers (linking this article in return of course). Do NOT link your open trackback post here. Use Linkfest Haven Deluxe instead. To the right, you will find OTA members who are doing open trackbacks for the day.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

"GOBBLE!"

For those of you who aren't still passed out from the tryptophan, enjoy your weekend.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:03 PM | Permalink

If they made chicken flavoured lollipops, could we call them cock suckers?

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Posted by Samantha at 05:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

I wrote a complaint letter to the pen company about this leaky pen I bought, but I couldn't figure out their reply due to the ink blotches on the page.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Here's irony for you: TV shows that non-jokingly complain about how sucky tv shows are these days.

And, here are some life's ironies I came across while online.

Got any of your own?

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Posted by Samantha at 01:03 PM | Permalink

If brevity is wit, then that explains why so many have verbal diahhrea.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:02 PM | Permalink

Someone from the chewing tobacco industry should hire me as their slogan creator, 'cause I just thought of one.

Spit Happens!

Or, as a Bic lighter slogan maker.

Lit happens!

But, I'm sure I would definitely not be hired as MENSA's slogan creator.

Wit happens!

Ok, many more, but I'm done here.

Oh wait, Playboy slogan creator.

Tit happens!

Ok, now I'm done.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Yes, that's cow dung. And, it doesn't look like it in the picture, but that is one giant-sized pile.

No, I didn't take dimensions.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This isn't a new one, but thought I'd share it anyways.

Always remember this:

YOU ARE UNIQUE... just like everyone else.

Got any conundrums of your own to share?

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Posted by Samantha at 05:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Why do many of the major mattress brands start with the letter "s"?

Serta, Sealy, Simmons, Spring Air.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (11)

If two or more sheep are called "sheep", then why isn't one sheep called a shep?

Previous/Related: Of Mooses and Chickens...

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

To my neighbours down South, enjoy the fireworks

... and have a happy day!

I'll be drinking for the lot of ya.

You know, in support.

Ya... support.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

I haven't done this in a while, but I just wanted to thank you all for being the best darn readers, commenters, and fellow bloggers a gal could ask for.

And, no, I'm not drunk.

It's the hangover talking.

Kidding, I really do appreciate you.

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Posted by Samantha at 06:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Smoking pot can lead to... uh... I forgot....

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Posted by Samantha at 01:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Today is CARPET DAY!

Yet another reason I'd move to Turkmenistan.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I was just wondering if one has to be either a female or a gay male to be a fashion designer.

I have never encountered a straight male fashion designer, and I'm curious to know if it's a criteria.

Perhaps I'm wrong. Prove me wrong, but I've never seen otherwise.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Uh oh, Where are my socks isn't going to like this.

Today is NO SOCKS DAY!

Seriously, are people bored when they make up holidays, or what?

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Awwww, Morrissey won't visit my country because we have a yearly seal hunt.

Is that a promise?

And, Pamela Anderson's losing the battle to meet Prime Minister Steven Harper to "discuss" (I really mean whine about) the hunting.

But, give it up for our PM who snubbed her, lol.

I'm kinda hoping he sticks to his guns and doesn't meet up with her at all.

Imagine - Canada could have our own Bush vs. Sheehan, only with Harper vs. Boobs Magee, I mean Anderson.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (10)

I wonder if there are any drawers out there like me with a variety of pencils: HB, 2B, 4B, 8B, etc. I'm sure there are plenty.

And, out of all those, I wonder how many of them are as lame as me when deciding on which pencil to use, and think, "2B or not 2B".

Okay, I admit it. I'm a nerd.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Blogging is like sex. You have to keep it fresh and interesting, or else everyone will get bored and move on.

Anyone up for a bit of "blogging"? ;-)

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Posted by Samantha at 05:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

This one's a bit crude, but, oh well...

Sex is like a long walk off a short pier.

You know you're eventually going to get wet.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Why does the weekend have to suck for tv?

The only time I have to sit back and relax a little, and all I get to watch is cr*p and golf, or should I say cr*p and cr*p.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Here to support your goal on day 5.

I'd tell you all not to quit, but that's exactly what the goal is, eh, so quit smoking, but not the process.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Brain Farts... that is all.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

FYI - I refuse to use strike-through when I write my articles because I think it's retarded academically inaccurate as a writing style.

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Posted by Samantha at 10:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Why is it that kids can sleep in a car with necks bent right over and wake up just fine, but adults get kinks in their neck so bad that it lasts for weeks and may require massage therapy?

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Posted by Samantha at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

In this lovey-dovey time of giving and caring, I thought I'd share this classic.

We've all heard the phrase "blood, it's in us to give", but I am so dreadfully afraid of needles, that whenever I hear that phrase, I shout out, "No, it's in me to live".

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Posted by Samantha at 05:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Why is it that once you find something you really enjoy - be it a favourite tv show, restaurant, or food product - they cancel it or take it off the market?

Is fate or some force beyond ourselves that's saying you can't have everything you want? And, if so, why not? Lol, I'm just pouty right now.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

As I'm sure you've heard, New Years is going to be held back by one second, according to scientific explanations of the earth's rotation in relation to time.

That's just great. Now my whole year is going to be thrown off schedule.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Seoonme ocne tlod me taht you can slitl diepechr waht is wtitern so lnog as the fsrit and lsat ltteres of a wrod raeimn in tcat eevn if all the ltteers ibneweten are srlamcbed.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:29 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

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Posted by Samantha at 11:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (14)

No offense to anyone; purely in fun.

Dentists and prostitutes have at least one thing in common: they both have years of oral experience.

Does anyone out there have their own idea of commonalities between different occupations? I'm sure we'd all love to hear them.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

The only thing wrong with going to the movies is that you can't change the channel if you don't like it.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I once heard that advice is a perplexing thing. Anyone can give it, but not everyone uses it.

My advice to you is to not give advice to anyone.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

It was weird and amusing, the six year old of the house said something today that sounded to me like he said, "poor kid's tv".

I wasn't sure what he'd said for sure, so I asked MR.BIG to clarify what the boy said. "What is that?" I asked.

MR.BIG's response, "basic cable".

I think it was a "you had to be there" moment.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

You are searching for tits, huh? I've decided to be nice to my readers and I've found a non-scam site where you can view your "needs". Just follow the link link here. Now back to the article...

Nobody can acquire wealth by doing nothing.

It takes hard work, effort, patience, and someone's a$$ to kiss to get anywhere in life.

Here's the hint for Moron of the Week: This person has acquired almost instant, inflated success.

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Posted by Samantha at 01:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Ah, good times. Give your "lefty" caption comment to The Politburo Diktat.

My caption comment: "Oh snap, I should have gone doodie before the big UN meeting. I'm not going to make it."

I wanted to say something about ugmo Sheehan behind door number one, but it's got to be from a lefty's point of view.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:03 AM | Permalink

Someone out there, and you know who you are, thinks they're pretty funny, don't they?

I found this search engine hit, and it has got to be aimed at me because I can't see how that could be a true search: "samantha is a poop".

Lol, sadest thing about it is my site showed up as first spot on the msn search hit for it.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Must be a dull life being colourblind.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Isn't this the truth...

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Posted by Samantha at 05:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Why is yawning contagious?

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Posted by Samantha at 01:35 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

For those concerned about their weight during the upcoming holiday with all the candy sitting around your house (and I know it can be hard to fight it), I have a very important Halloween diet tip to share with you.

Although MSN Health provides you with a guide to control your diet during this treat-filled time of the year, I have supplied you with the best health tip that I can come up with.

I subscribe to this train of thought, and if you are watching your weight, I recommend it to you.

If you are trying to watch your weight... don't eat the candy.

You're welcome.

You didn't expect more from me, did you?

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Posted by Samantha at 06:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This is a little thing to go with the Barbie article below.

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Posted by Samantha at 06:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

There are some times when you can have your cake and eat it, too.

You just have to work for it.

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Posted by Samantha at 06:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Why don't the US police try out for jobs up in Canada? We have donuts... from Tim Hortons....

Just consider this another plot to weaken your defenses America. Mmmmmm, sprinkles.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:45 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

Why are flamingos pink? What kind of camoflage is that?

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