The Crazy Rants of Samantha Burns

It has been awhile PERVs since our last meeting so I have decided to have one today. You will not believe how out of hand these vegetarian's are becoming. I am shocked - simply shocked!

Vegetarians are rethinking tipping. Leave it to them to think up this one. It is not enough they expect their food kept separate from the normal food, they are now whining about tipping:

This is an article about tipping in restaurants. It occurred to me that this subject needed to be addressed among vegetarians because I had noticed so many times that waiters (both men and women) serving vegetarians were being shortchanged.

I have seen it happen both in vegetarian restaurants, and in non-vegetarian restaurants when people ordered vegetarian food. What spurred me to write something was a recent experience on a New York trip when I had dinner in a vegetarian restaurant with two middle-aged couples (with comfortable lifestyles), who got up from the table and left a total of $2.00 as their tip. We had had a pleasant and inexpensive meal, and we had occupied the table for over an hour.

It costs waiters in vegetarian restaurants just as much for living expenses as people serving food in any other restaurant. I have thought for a long time now that it did not seem fair that these waiters, who are willing to work in a place that promotes good health (and, intentionally or not, compassion for animals, and a healthier environment), should end up with less compensation for their labors than people working in places which do not promote such values

Oh boo hoo. What about compassion for all the veggies they are eating? We know veggies feel pain, but do they care? No! They are worried about their tipping in restaurants. How selfish! And they are so cheap too!

In my opinion, at today's prices, someone should leave a minimum tip of $3.00 - $3.50 (per person) for dinner, no matter how inexpensive the tab. It is tough enough for vegetarian restaurants to afford rent and utility costs when they are competing with traditional places --let's not have those willing to work there make half or a third of what someone makes at restaurants serving expensive, but unhealthy food.

Can you believe the reasoning for being so cheap? I am appalled. It is tough enough for vegetarian restaurants to afford rent and utility costs when competing with traditional places? Yeah right! Maybe they should just do us all a favor and get out of business. They are ruining our vegetable supply anyways!

You know, when I go out to eat in a restaurant I always leave a minimum of $5.00 as a tip if my total is ten dollars or less, more if it is higher. And mind you I leave the tip for the waiter or waitress's hard work. After all, it is not easy work and can you imagine waiting on a picky vegetarian? OMG! They should receive an award for putting up with all the veggie smells.

I love my meat and I don't eat my veggies. All I have to say to these cheap tippers is in your face and I know you smell that steak! Ah....................and it smells soooooooo, soooooooooooo, good!

Now the author of this ridiculous article does say at the very end:

The irony is that often the service people working at vegetarian events must work harder to prepare food that they are not familiar with and need to spend more time learning about new dishes. They really deserve more in tips, not less!!! If we can afford to eat out, we can afford decent tips.

Work harder - deserve better tips, hmmm, that does not jive with a low $3.00 - $3.50 tip suggestion. But then what do you expect from a vegetarian?

They are making all our veggies become extinct! You know what happens to a meat deprived brain don't you?

It grows sprouts! UGH.....I really do not want to think about it, how scary!

This PERV meeting is in honor of Sam! So lets all go out and buy a pound of beef, pound it, then cook it up! Yummy!

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting Adjourned.

Previous PERV meetings.

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Posted by Layla Elizabeth at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Let me guess, a vegetarian made up this tripe: Vegetarians are more intelligent, says study

A study of thousands of men and women revealed that those who stick to a vegetarian diet have IQs that are around five points higher than those who regularly eat meat.

Writing in the British Medical Journal, the researchers say it isn't clear why veggies are brainier - but admit the fruit and veg-rich vegetarian diet could somehow boost brain power.

It gets worse.

One of the researchers states that the results may mean intelligent people are considerate of the welfare of animals.

Researcher Dr Catharine Gale said there could be several explanations for the findings, including intelligent people being more likely to consider both animal welfare issues and the possible health benefits of a vegetarian diet.

Intelligent people are those who are considerate of animals and eat them as a source of protein and other necessary nutrients.

Duh.

What really ripens my peaches is this additional little annoyance:

Liz O'Neill, of the Vegetarian Society, said: 'We've always known that vegetarianism is an intelligent, compassionate choice benefiting animals, people and the environment. Now, we've got the scientific evidence to prove it.

And, I say "faulty" because the theories seem to be full of holes. As the reader, you're welcomed to point out the flaws here or read some in the comment section of that article to see what others are saying.

Let's hear more from the PERValicious mind rather than those botanical bores.

But, when it comes right down to it, they can shove their theories where the sun don't shine because I'd rather be dumb as a post and blissfully devouring meat than being a "smart" veggitard.

And, in other laughable news, VP PERV Diane's Stuff has an excellent article on some fool who wrote some anti-meatatarian book, claiming that meat eating is wrong and that apes deserve human status, or something bizarre like that.

Make sure you check out Diane's news to get in a good laugh and to comment on whether you believe Stephen Colbert deserves to become an honorary PERV or not.

PERVs love to pound their meat... then cook it up and eat it. Yum.

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting Adjourned.

Thanks as always to VP PERV Diane's Stuff for the logo.

Previous PERV Posts

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Vegetarians Have Higher IQ’s? [by Outnumbered!]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Welcome all PERVs to another meeting time.

Seeing as it's near winter in most northern areas and harvesting is virtually over, I thought it would be nice to bring some tasty, good news to our meat eaters out there.

This spot o' meaty news comes from Jim:

Sometime next year, if all goes well, Brett Holm of Chaska, Minn., will begin selling his Season Shot, an improvement over current shotgun shells because its pellets dissolve on contact in the game meat and, more important, automatically flavor it for cooking. Holm told the Chanhassen (Minn.) Villager newspaper in August that he will initially offer lemon pepper, mesquite, Mexican, and Creole flavors, but, he said, chemists are at work right now to expand the selection. [Chanhassen Villager, 8-3-06]

Speaking of meat eater's in heaven, here are some cool meat-friendly products to purchase.

I'm debating between the steak hoodie and the sausage t-shirt.

And, to make you completely drool with pleasure, here's a weird meat eaters commercial for Kana: hot meat (at least that's what I think they're saying).

Lol.

PERVs PERVide PERVisions for plants instead of pulling the plug on their presence in this planet.

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting Adjourned.

Thanks muchly to VP PERV Diane's Stuff for the logo.

Previous PERV Posts

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
PERVectly Ingenious [by Diane's Stuff]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It's another meeting time for all those meat eaters out there who are against the destruction of poor, helpless veggies.

Welcome all!

Well, we have some good news and some bad news. And, I'll start with the bad.

It seems some insensitive cretins are promoting the consumption of veggies by stating that vegetables may boost brain power in adults.

MAY???

May boost brain power?

Is that all they have to go on? How dare they endanger the lives of those innocent lives by stating it MAY aid adults.

Screw the humans! (it's what a PERV does best)

Apparently, they have a specific vendetta against greeny, leafy ones, stating that a person should eat at least three portions of these per day. What they have against lettuce and the like is beyond me, but it sounds like a complete conspiracy.

We must PERVent such heinous crimes. Any suggestions on how to protect our beautiful veggies?

And, now it's time for some good new, you PERVs.

It seems we have a victory against veggie oppressors here in Canada as stats show that organic farms are on the decrease.

Chalk one up for the meat eaters.

Woo hoo.

Must have been all those death threats we sent them.

On a side note, us PERVs should look into making a video that will get the message out about veggie abuse like this PETA video does about spaying and neutering cats.

Funny stuff sent in, thanks to some random blogger.

Our goal is to PERVide shelter and safety to all things veggie.

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting Adjourned.

Thanks muchly to VP PERV Diane's Stuff for the logo.

Previous PERV Posts

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

PERVs, let's take a page from the book of ALF (Animal Liberation Front) and set some veggies free.

ALF has allegedly killed 15,000 halibut after "saving" them from a fish farm.

Thousands of dead fish are being washed up along the west coast of Scotland after the raid at Kames Marine Fish Farm, near Oban. The perpetrators are thought to have attacked last week. Detectives believe that the attack could be linked to a spate of other farm attacks throughout the country. The letters ALF (Animal Liberation Front) were spray-painted near by.

The loss is estimated to have cost the fish farm at least £500,000 as boats, cranes and offices were also vandalised. The halibut died from starvation or getting caught in seaweed. They were also being eaten by herring gulls and otters.

We will be plucking them by the root and releasing them into the wild.

Go pumpkins. Be free. We love you.

PERVail over veggie injustice: eat meat, not botanicals.

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting Adjourned.

Thanks to VP PERV Diane's Stuff for the logo.

Thanks also to Committees of Correspondence for sending the ALF news my way.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

This PERV post submitted gratefully by 123beta.

The animal rights group called Tuesday for a North American theme park, Six Flags Inc., to cancel a competition in which people will try to break the world cockroach-eating record.

Anyone who beats the record will win a season pass for four people for 2007 with VIP queue-jumping status. The record is currently held by Ken Edwards of Derbyshire, England, who devoured 36 Madagascar hissing cockroaches in one minute in 2001.

"Insects do not deserve to be eaten alive especially for a gratuitous marketing gimmick,"
PETA spokeswoman Jackie Vergerio told Reuters.

Since when are cockroaches considered animals?

And who in their 'right mind' would eat a freakin'
live cockroach? ...Well, maybe I would for some big bucks but not just to win 4 tickets to an amusement park!

Bring your own Alka-Seltzer... Burp!

On a side note, one of our PERV's, Committees of Correspondence, sent in this funny, but true cartoon:

PERVs do it with meat... uh... eat meat, that is.

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting Adjourned.

Thanks to VP PERV Diane's Stuff for the logo.

Thanks again, 123beta for the post.

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Posted by Samantha at 09:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Welcome PERVs to another meeting.

It's time to discuss our latest attempt at bringing awareness to our cause.

Again, taking from the pages of PETA and their nutball spokesperson, Pamela Anderson Lee Rock (Ritchie), or whore for short, we have decided to pose nude.

We love the shock value of nudity, so this is the perfect way to raise awareness. I would like for every PERV out there - who's comfortable with their bodies, of course - to sign up for an opportunity to pose nude in Bob's Meatatarium meat shop window for 15 minute each.

And, to show how much I support this effort and support you PERVs, I will be posing nude for a full 48 hours. No puny 10 minutes like Pamela Rock (WARNING: link NSFW).

Who's PERV enough to join me?

Other than that, I want to discuss some mixed emotions that many PERVs go through this time of the year.

As we near the end of the season for vegetable cruelty in many parts of the world, some of you may be feeling both sadness and happiness. Let's discuss.

This is the time when many harvesters are done planting and exploiting new crops. That is good. Fewer seedlings will be tortured now as we near fall; however, the sad news for PERVs is that this is also the time of year that many harvesters ruthlessly pull those helpless, innocent veggies from their warm, dirt homes. Truly sad.

Our only hope is that harvesters, as well as the rest of the world, heed our message that veggie abuse is wrong. Keep on the right track, PERVs, hope is not lost.

From rock hard to super soft - PERVs beat their meat.

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting Adjourned.

Thanks to VP PERV Diane's Stuff for the logo.

All previous PERV posts.
To join PERV, sign here.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Hey PERVs, it's that time again, so let's get right to it.

PERV is not going to put up with grocer vegetable abuse any longer.

So, much like PETA's impudent behaviour of having a lame chicken cross the road in a wheelchair at a KFC protest, we here at PERV have planned something similar to get the point across that vegetable cruelty is wrong.

We are presently setting up a protest at Joe's Vegetorium Grocers.

Just as I'm sure PETA had to break the chicken's legs for it to appear lame (well, how else did they find a lame chicken?), I have taken a tomato and stabbed it repeatedly with a pin to make it seep and look like it's bleeding.

That should draw some emotion from the audience (even if that emotion is tears of laughter).

The event should go well.

In other PERV news, we have revealed a prototype of a toy that will help get the point across that veggie eaters are murderers.

Below is a concept drawing of the Pamela Anderson bobblehead that we will be making.

PERVs don't veg out; they play with their meat!

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting Adjourned.

Thanks to VP PERV Diane's Stuff for the logo.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (5)

Welcome all PERVs to another veggie-free meeting.

Today we shall discuss an approach we can use to misguide, I mean inform vegetable eaters on in the hopes of turning them off of eating those poor, innocent plants.

This is an idea brought forth by Radioactive Jam who once confessed, "while on my way to work... my mind strayed to PERV thoughts".

Congrats, Radioactive Jam, I'm glad you are getting in touch with your inner PERV.

At the same time, he suggested that we should be "raising public awareness of PERVs mission... and 'illustrating' what might happen should normally docile vegetables choose violence against their abusers".

It is true, PERVs. Spread the word to all veggie munchers that they are asking for trouble every time they chew on a carrot or masticate using pickles.

Hand out these flyers to anyone and everyone you meet as a way to spread the word. Vegetables can easily turn themselves into WMD by impaling their victims.

Only you can PERVent veggie abuse.

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting adjourned.

Thanks to VP PERV Diane's Stuff for the logo.

And, thanks to Radioactive Jam for catchy terms like "PERVentable".

All previous PERV posts.
To join PERV, sign here.

Some open trackbacks today: TMH's Bacon Bits, partyblog.ca, imaginekitty, The Dumb Ox, Conservative Cat

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

In the spirit of copying the sh*t out of PETA, we here at PERV have created a nearly identical version of their letter to the Wisconsin Department of Health and Family Services.

An open letter to the Organic Consumer's Association.

Dear Veggie-Eating Supporters:

People for the Ethical Rights of Vegetables (PERV) is an intergalactic all-for-profit organisation with at least two members, probably more, dedicated to the protection of vegetables (and to a lesser extent, fruit).

As you are probably aware, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA), studies the health risks associated with vegetables, fruit, and other edibles. That has nothing to do with this letter.

This letter is to respectfully suggest that the OCA issue a public heath advisory urging citizens to avoid the health risks associated with organic vegetables by steering clear of these markets altogether. Eating vegetables can raise energy levels to what some might call, dangerous extremes. Veggie eating on a regular basis can also improve the immune system in people, which sounds nice, but can be hazardous. If the human immune system is strong, it is not able to take in germs and viruses, which means it would have nothing to fight. I question, is this fair to the human immune system?

The problem that we are coming to you with is that the public is not aware of these dangers, and we feel it is your responsibility to bring awareness to the public on these matters.

Further, the public is not completely aware of the absolute horrid taste of vegetables. It's not just the smell. So, even if you plug your nose, you are not assured that you will avoid the disgust of eating veggies. It is not realistic to expect families visiting farmers' markets and grocers to practice the degree of food selectiveness necessary to ensure that no vegetables are bought.

Vegetables used in mobile fruit stands are subjected to the rigors of travel, confinement, and often mishandling. Restricted to small boxes, these vegetables are given little rest from continuously excited and often unintentionally rough purchasers. Because many of the vegetables used in fruit stands are relatively cheap and therefore easily replaceable, some sellers don't even provide veggie massage therapy. And, at the end of the season, vegetables are often sent to slaughter and decomposition.

I have attached nothing, which details the health hazards of farmers' markets for your review. May we meet with you to discuss this matter further? Thank you for your time and attention to this completely farcical matter.

Yours truly,

Samantha Burns

Vegetables in Jeopardy Specialist
Captive Veggies and Salable Issues Department

All previous PERV posts.
To join PERV, sign here.

Thanks to VP PERV Diane's Stuff for the logo.

Some open trackbacks: TMH's Bacon Bits, imaginekitty, The Dumb Ox, Conservative Cat

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Posted by Samantha at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Here at PERV we've designed a new comic book, which (as always) replicates PETA, only veggie style.

Click on the continued link to see a larger version of the comic for PERVs.

Hat Tip: Although he probably doesn't know it, Radioactive Jam inspired this comic.

Thanks to VP PERV Diane's Stuff for the logo.

Continue reading "The New PERV Comic Has Arrived" »

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Posted by Samantha at 10:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Well, we'll get right down to it by announcing the World's Sexiest Meatatarian.

When it comes to sexy meat eaters, there is none sexier than Angelina Jolie, according to our voters.

Gee, like we didn't see that coming.

(I believe she uses that pussy to take down her prey)

Congratulations Jolie, I'm sure there's nothing the voters would like to see more than you slathered in BBQ sauce while downing a nice, juicy Kielbasa. Just everyone ignore this horrid image of her eating those poor, innocent fruit and veggies. And, let's hope she doesn't eat too much of that red meat that she claims to love, or she'll begin to look like this (roll mouse over picture to see the difference).

And, when it comes to manly meat eaters, nobody beats sexy Sam Elliot. The original voice of that mouth-watering tagline "Beef - it's what's for dinner" is the World's Sexiest Meatatarian from the men's category.

I don't know about others out there, but I could certainly live with seeing Sam Elliot grilling up and serving me a nice plump steak in the buff.

So there you have it folks. The World's Sexiest has been determined.

Please look forward to next week when our meeting of the PERVs will be held at Little Pigs Gourmet Pit.

Thanks to the PERV, Radioactive Jam, for setting that up for us.

Mmmm... bbq sandwiches... gurgle.

Props to Vice President PERV Diane's Stuff for the logo.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Go ahead, you PERVs, vote for the PERViest meat eater alive!

Today is the last day to vote. Please click on the continued link....

PLEASE SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE SAM; THIS POST REMAINS ON TOP

Continue reading "Vote For The World's Sexiest Meatatarian" »

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Posted by Samantha at 11:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)

PERV hosts the WORLD'S SEXIEST MEATATARIAN awards.

Please nominate the sexiest meat eater alive: a celeb, someone you know, or yourself, and be sure to send in a picture of the nominee (photo dimensions: no greater than 450x450 pixels). Both a male and female will be chosen as winners. A hint: they are probably not on the GoVeg list. For more on the People for the Ethical Rights of Vegetables, read here.

THIS POST WILL REMAIN ON TOP; SCROLL DOWN FOR MORE SAM

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Posted by Samantha at 11:59 PM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Yes, PERV has been on hiatus for a few weeks now while your magnificent pres. recharged her batteries (to her Humvee SUV that she uses to plow down her dinner - more fun than using a shotgun to bag a deer) - (ya right, I wish I had a Hummer, lol).

Actually, your glorious pres. has been busy perplexing over why the heck Paul McCartney is so persistantly opposed to animal testing when his own wife, Linda, used animal testing in her battle against breast cancer.

Yes, this still confounds me.

I am completely befuddled how he can state, “I wish that the government would step into the 21st century and recognize that animal tests are unreliable and cruel�.

This is so ignorant to reality.

Animal testing is not unreliable; I know for certain that I'm not going to go blind when I accidentally spray hairspray in my eyes or choke when I get some make up in my mouth.

;-D

Anyhow, I'm getting off topic here. This is a PERV meeting, so let's get to the meat of the issue.

I've been thinking lately that it would be a good idea to recognise those who do not rely upon vegetables as their main source of food energy. Eating vegetables is wrong, most definately, so let's acknowledge and revere those who eat meat. Hence, we've come up with a new strategy to support meat eaters.

We here at PERV have once again decided to follow in the footsteps of our nemesis, PETA, by announcing a vote for the "World's Sexiest Meatatarian".

First, however, we need to make up a list of those who we know are, or are believed to be, meat eaters.

In other words, don't use celebs from the GoVeg list since they claim to be strictly vegitarian.

In the comment section below, please nominate a male, female, or both whom you believe is/are the "World's Sexiest Meatatarian". One female and one male will be chosen as winners.

After everyone's had time to get their nominations in, I will collaborate the nominees, set up a voting poll, and by mid-next week, there should be some voting going on.

Let's make it a good one!

You can even nominate someone who's not in the public eye (yourself even), as long as you send in a non-offensive (no nudity or obscene images) photo of the person to be displayed upon voting/winning (photo dimensions: no greater than 450 x 450 pixels).

I may even add a few nominations myself later on.

Who will be the WORLD'S SEXIEST MEATATARIAN?

PERVs love veggies (sometimes a little too much)!

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting Adjourned.

Thanks goes to VP Diane's Stuff for the logo.

Previous/Related:
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Are you a PERV? Join here

Linked to free constitution, tmh bacon bits, blue star chronicles, freedom watch, Liberal Common Sense, pirate's cove, imaginekitty, nif

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Posted by Samantha at 12:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Welcome to another meeting, you PERVs.

Let's get right down to business, shall we?

Fellow PERV, Dangerous Dan, reports that our PERV members have been taking some positive protest steps in Washington lately.

Our co-conspirators, I mean nutjobs, I mean botanical emancipators from PlantAmnesty have been protesting the mutilation of some city trees in Lynnwood.

Friends of some trees standing in a business area of Highway 99 were "protesting what they say is improper pruning of trees in public places".

Skwer and 13 members of PlantAmnesty, a Seattle-based group whose mission is to "end the senseless torture and mutilation of trees and shrubs," held signs and waved to drivers from a parking strip on the southwest corner of 180th Street SW and Highway 99.

It was also reported,

A PlantAmnesty member who identified himself only as "Ox" had several stalks of bamboo strapped around his waist and rising far above his head.

"This is a crime against nature," he said, looking at the pruned trees, believed to be maples. "Whoever did it ought to be strung up. Why do we need to have tree circumcision in this town? It's not therapeutically indicated."

Now, although we here at PERV don't support wrapping up in bamboo - because that is torture for the poor, innocent bamboo sticks, we do agree with Ox.

Quit circumcising the trees already!

Even if it does make them look bigger.

So, we have support in that arena. Now, we just need to focus on how to conquer the senseless abuse and murder taking place in greenhouses and tree farms around the world.

Oh, the humanity!

In further news, we have word from third world county that people are using vegetables to masticate. Cruel world, when will you ever learn?

Join PERV And Stop Veggie Mastication Now!

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting Adjourned.

Appreciation goes to VP PERV Diane's Stuff for the logo.

Some open trackbacks today Freedom Watch, Blue Star Chronicles, Conservative Cat, imaginekitty, TMH's Bacon Bits

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Google Ads 1, Me 0 [by Radioactive Jam]
Fruit For Brains [by Radioactive Jam]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Today is yet another day with PERVs abound.

Translation - welcome to another PERV meeting.

How's our logo-maker extraordinaire, Diane's Stuff, holding up with her new VP role? Well, I hope. She was feeling a bit out of sorts recently, which I speculate was a result of some meatloaf she ate earlier that was contaminated with vegetables.

I'm not saying that's what happened, I'm just implying that it is important for us to love and care for the poor innocent veggies rather than eat them. I hope the culprit is caught before they attack again.

It seems another PERV, Lostinlimaohio, encountered an event that hit close to home.

PETA was recently spotted near her town protesting KFC. Why did the chicken cross the road? Well, according to PETA, it didn't because they claim that KFC plumps up their food-to-be so much that it cripples the bird.

Well, as you may know, we here at PERV follow the PETA tactics rather closely. Although we are extreme opposites - they eat veggies only; we eat meat only (all hypocrisies aside) - we do use the same strategies to meet our organisation's needs. With that said, LILO reports,

"Delphos is about 10 minutes down the road from where I live. So, I was horrified to find out that the invasion is happening so close to my home! I only wish they'd left that one legged chicken behind- it looks like it would be easier to catch than the ones down the road with two good legs.....".

And, we need to set up video footage of what goes on behind closed doors at garden centres and agricultural farms, and embellish the horror as much as possible.

For example, I say we set up a camera to videotape a farmer pulling out a carrot from the ground by its "hair" (the green part on top) and add audio of little screams to symbolise the pain the carrot feels as it's ripped from its home.

Excuse me a moment.

*sniffle*

Okay. Okay.

Yes, we need to expose the truth.

To further this venture, I will be using an idea Radioactive Jam has given me to compile a pamphlet, which I expect to share with you all in the future.

Also, tune in next week for another PERV report from Dangerous Dan. In the meantime, you can read his article about the *shudder* Britney Spears sculpture (I guess the pro-life sculptor forgot about her "child on her lap while driving" incident, which doesn't sound too respectful of life to me).

PERVs love veggies in a very special way.

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting Adjourned.

Previous PERV Posts

Some open trackbacks today are imaginekitty, Freedom Watch, Conservative Cat, TMH's Bacon Bits, customerservant.com

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
PERV’S Have Huge Hearts [by Diane's Stuff]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

This is a quick PERV report about something all parents should be aware of.

Book Buds Kidlet Reviews warns us of children's books that are based in fruit and vegetable abuse.

There is horrific talk of bruising bananas and carving into herbage.

Oh, the horror.

Teaching kids to kill at such an early age.

I feel compelled to have another meeting soon.

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Posted by Samantha at 05:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Welcome to another meeting of the PERVs.

Today is a special day amongst the PERVs as we honour Diane's Stuff.

Diane, it seems, was once in a lonely, desolate place in her life. She was a produce manager at a grocery store.

Yes, our beloved PERV, Diane, actually disemboweled fresh veggies for a living.

Now, before we all divert any glares or evil eyes her way, let me say, Diane has learned the way of the PERV and has become a respected and highly involved member. She even graciously created the PERV logo; she regularly contributes to any and all conversations; and she links from her place to mine often, which draws more attention and awareness to the PERV cause.

It is true that Diane's Stuff openly admitted to her horrific role in the destruction of vegetables and fruit. When I first read about her veggie exploits as a produce manager, my first reaction was *GASP*, but I took a moment to catch my breath and realised that you, Diane, of all people, deserve great acknowledgment for your testimonial.

You have risen from the struggle of being the heinous produce manager and have grown to be a respected PERV. You have defied all odds pitted against you, and for that you should be truly proud.

Diane's Stuff has grown.

She has blossomed, much like our botanical brethren.

And, to this we say, Huzzah!

As I mention at the beginning, today is a special day.

Congratulations, Diane, today you have acquired the esteemed roll as VICE PRESIDENT of PERV - if you choose to accept.

Now don't worry, there are no added responsibilities - just continue to be who you are:

a PERV and lovin' it!

So, Diane's Stuff, what say you? And, congratulations once again.

PERV's love playing with veggies, not eating them.

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting adjourned.

Previous/Related: PERV posts

Linked to The Liberal Wrong, Freedom Watch, Those Bastards, historymike's musing, Common Folk Using Common Sense, The Median Sib, imaginekitty, Right Wing Nation

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

It's time again for another PERV meeting.

Well, in our fight against vegetable abuse, neglect, suffering, and digestion, we have come up with a new strategy to win the hearts of children.

We all know how children are our future and how we must train them young to submit to our ways, I mean, to take part in vegetable freedom. Therefore, we must try persuade kids into our correct, altruistic way of thinking.

Hence, I'm calling on all you PERVs out there to spread the word about this strategy, which has to do with grocery store credit cards, grocery customer appreciation cards, and the like.

Much like PETA did to Mastercard (and succeeded), our goal is to persuade every child in existence to cut up mom & dad's grocery store cards.

Until grocery stores stop supplying vegetables, ask Mom and Dad to cup their grocery store cards and shop at meat markets instead. PERV wants to hear from you, in your own words, what you'll say to your parents to convince them that grocery store cards are "Shmocery store cards". Unlike PETA, we don't offer the winner a prize, but it would be darn fun to read what people have to say.

In further news, I would like to call your attention to member billT, who shares some veggie lovin' in the form of some music from The Vejtables.

Peace, Love, and Don't Eat the Beans!

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting adjourned.

Further Related:

P.E.R.V.

Image care of Diane's Stuff.

The following articles have trackbacked this article:
Confessions of a PERV [by Diane's Stuff]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:09 AM | Permalink | Comments (9)

Welcome to another PERV meeting!

There may be some new people in the the crowd, so I'll inform you that this is a meeting for the society against cruelty to vegetables. Although we are quite opposite to PETA - what with our awareness that meat eating is an innate human quality and all - we do steal their terrorist ideas from time to time and our leaders are hypocrites much like theirs seemingly are.

If you would like to be a member of PERV, simply comment in the comment section below.

Today I can gladly say, SCORE ONE FOR THE PERVs!

I have learned of one more reason not to eat those poor, innocent veggies. It has been acknowledged recently that there are negative impacts of genetically modifying fruits and vegetables.

They are now saying that the new techniques used by those monsters, the farmers, as a way of increasing production is leading to a shortage in nutrients in the produce.

I weep for those veggies out there who are forced to grow larger than they should naturally, and are suffering needlessly with a lack of vitamins.

Who cares about those vile humans who eat those poor, vulnerable fruits and veggies; who cares about their nutrient requirements.

There are suppliments, you know. Much better than killing defenseless crops.

My heart is sick over the whole thing.

Some scientists are saying now - which seems obvious to anyone with half a brain - that slower growing crops have more time to absorb nutrients from the sun and soil.

Of course, as member and founder of this society, I say leave the veggies alone. Let them grow old gracefully, and don't pluck them and eat them in a succulent meat and veggie stir fry *gurgle* because that is foul.

Spread the word, my PERVs. Spread the word that eating veggies is wrong.

Veggies have feelings, too!

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting Adjourned.

Image care of Diane's Stuff

Linked to freedom watch usa, is it just me?, NIF

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Join The Club [by Radioactive Jam]

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Posted by Samantha at 12:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (18)

Hello All, it's time again for another PERV meeting, so let's get right down to it.

Foremost, we must spread the lie, I - I mean truth that PERV does not condone violent acts.

Recently, your humble president was confronted by some local vegetarians for inadvertently having a few mushrooms in my shopping basket at the local Joe's Vegetorium Grocers. At the time, I swore to them that I was not planning on violently chopping them up and frying them with a nice juicy steak, and I maintain my stance regardless of how mouth watering the idea of mushrooms on steak is.

I believe the act was one of sabotage, so please ignore the newspaper headlines that say I was caught at a veggie market attempting to purchase those yummy things, I mean, poor, innocent veggies. No, I believe that someone at Joe's Vegetorium is attempting to put a negative light on PERV, and we must do something drastic to stop this.

Further, someone brutally attack me that night by leaving a severed broccoli head on my doorstep.

It was a frightening experience.

To counter these attacks, I suggest the following.

As our goal is to ignore the welfare of all people and fellow members of society, and to instead focus on protecting the poor, innocent flora, I think we should donate to the vegetable right's terrorist group, Alfalfa.

We have already set up an account for $42,000 to go to this firebombing organisation.

On another note, we have come up with a new strategy for our rebels on the front lines, defending those poor, innocent veggies.

Much like an animal right's group did in 1999 to medical researchers and fur farms, we will send letters booby-trapped with razor blades to horticulturalists. Our hope is that they will be scared out of their careers.

Their fear will be nothing compared to the fear that those poor, defenseless plants feel daily.

On a final note, we thank you all who support PERV regularly. And, to anyone who would like to become a PERV, please sign up in the comment section below.

Save the Veggies before They are Eaten!

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting adjourned.

(of course, this is a PETA parody article, so don't be a razor blade idiot)
(image courtesy of Diane's Stuff)
(for previous PERV articles: click here)

Linked to Conservative Cat (who's looking for some funny stuff), Don Surber (who's having a best posts of the day contest), Blue Star Chronicles (who's aggravated with the aesthetics of blogging - aren't we all), third world county (who's looking for good articles pissed at Kerry)

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (13)

Hello PERVs.

Welcome to another meeting full of fresh and aggressively annoying protest ideas. Let's get right down to business, shall we?

I would like to discuss the unnatural and horrific product, salad in a bag. These are pre-packaged salads in which primarily lettuce and a few other innocent veggies are ripped from their homes and mutilated all for the benefit of public consumption.

We have, on our side, Meat Market Grocery, who has recently announced that it intends to discontinue the sales of salads in its produce section. They are viewing lettuce as living creatures rather than as a commodity that deserves no consideration.

A similar action is being taken by Whole Foods where they are looking into whether lobster tanks mimic natural conditions or not. Whole Foods plans to stop selling lobster.

We here at PERV say that at least lobster get to live for a while longer in the tanks, unlike the poor innocent lettuce and their babies.

Presently, we have spokespeople sending letters to grocers to boycott the sales of produce. We've stated that our celebrity spokespeople will not promote their grocery store if they do not give into our demands (I mean, requests).

PERVs, being meat eaters, argue against PETA and other animal rights groups when they say that lobster is not a health food and is "not something anybody needs to eat". As president of PERV, I say, no, but they sure are darn good!

I think it's just sick that groups like PETA protest meat eating because the less meat people eat, means the more veggies they'll eat.

Eat lobster, not lettuce!

At least lobster don't feel pain.

Viva La PERV!

Meeting Adjorned.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)

PERV would like to wish you all Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year.

We are hoping that members will remember their vow to PERV and refrain from eating any innocent veggies.

We also urge you all to boycott all grocery stores and restaurants supplying holiday favourites such as candied yams, sweet potatoes, and cranberries.

If you are planning on making stuffing for your turkey this year, please remember to exclude all vegetation.

Further, do not fret if Santa doesn't bring you any gifts because you have no tree to put it under since you'll be a good PERV and not cut down the innocent plant for your own merriment, but will leave it out in the yard where it belongs.

Life is more fulfilling without destruction of innocent greenery, anyhow. And, from all of us to all of you...

Have a very Meaty Christmas!
And, a cruelty-free New Year!

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Posted by Samantha at 09:36 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Members of PERV unite for another meeting.

Today's agenda includes ending the savage abuse of gardening.

The senseless mistreatment of giving life to plants, then abruptly murdering their babies for the personal pleasure of eating them has got to stop.

It all starts when gardeners, also known as soil assaulters, begin by seeding the soil in multitudes. The seedlings are deceptively nurtured, fed, and watered, but once they achieve maturity, they are ripped from their home by the same hands that cared for them and served to ruthless vegetable eaters.

We need to stop planting and harvesting in order to control the veggie population.

And, although we have no sympathy for insects (what with them being edible animals and all), we are not impressed by the field trials of various agri-chemical companies who spray their products on living crops, fungi, and insects.

We have an ally in this effort, The Society for the Protection Of Organism Feelings (SPOOF), which has released a letter to the Grape Growers Association (GGA) stating,

"We'll be taking action, and organising protests, to bring to the attention of horticulturists that plants, fungi and insects do in fact have feelings."

This is not a prank.

We, too, at PERV feel that veggies have feelings, and we feel that the GGA should learn of those feelings and hopefully begin to feel those feelings themselves. Please, feel free to express your feelings below towards the feelings of plants and how the GGA should feel their own feelings on how plants feel, too.

VIVA LA PERV!

Thank you for your time and meeting adjorned.

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Posted by Samantha at 12:00 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It's time for another meeting of the PERVs.

Today on the agenda is how to stop veggie mutilation of all forms, but first, a special thank you goes out to sister Dianes Stuff for that awesome and beautiful banner shown at the top. That banner makes me proud to be a PERV.

Now, on to business.

First, we must decide on how to tackle the vial use of pesticides on poor, helpless, and innocent veggie crops.

And B, we need to set up a strategy for ransacking the laboratories that use defenseless herbage to test new chemical steroids.

"Say No More To Vegetable Testing"

I believe that if we combine the projects of ending both pesticide use and chemical steroid testing, we can cease botany brutality and bring forth a conciliatory concord. Who's with me?

At this point I would like to address an issue that is painfully troublesome to us all.

I'm sure by now, you've all heard about the kiss-a-pig contest that an Austen, Texas based company was forced to cancel due to PETA's belief that it would be potentially "cruel" to animals. The company was supposed to use the contest to raise money for a diabetes association as people kissed a live pig, but the company was forced to resort to using a stuffed pig instead.

Well, here at PERV, we have our own dilemma to face.

We must stop the suck-a-pickle contest taking place at Ol' Jim-Bob's Farmer's Market and Sausage Factory. I propose that we beef up our scare tactics to include contaminating Jim-Bob's sausages with real meat rather than the lips and hooves he typically uses.

Further, I declare we threaten him by saying we'll go public about his exploitation of vulnerable veggies and that we'll partake of a protest outside his market in which we'll dress up as broccoli sitting in a large pot of boiling water unless he stops the suck-a-pickle contest to be held on the 29th.

In light of the detestable contest, we here at PERV have decided to hold our own contest:

Tell us in a sentence or two why you choose to go meatatarian. Write your responses in the comment section.

Also, if you have not yet, but would like to become an official PERV sign below in the comment section.

VIVA LA PERV!

Meeting Adjourned.

Linked to: Third World County

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Posted by Samantha at 10:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (11)

Greetings fellow members of P.E.R.V. (People for the Ethical Rights of Vegetables)

I call to order the first general meeting of PERV.

On the agenda is a discussion of how to bring down our opposition: the vegetarians.

Here is a list of suggestions:

1. Destroy their agricultural fields before they plant again. Salting the earth is a must.

2. Break in to people's refrigerators and steal from their crispers. Blow up their fridges afterwards, but leave their freezers intact as they will need a place to store their meat once we convert them. This is a difficult task, so it requires skill and patience. SET THOSE VEGGIES FREE!

3. Take away their pot(s). Without it, it renders them useless to our advances.

4. Protest at every garden centre you find. HELL NO, WE WON'T GROW!

5. Annoy every vegetarian you come across with your Meatatarian philosophies (thanks King Erasmus for the Meatatarian idea).

Oh yes, and they are very weak from anemia with their lack of iron from red meat, so they should be easily overtaken; however, due to the lack of appropriate nutrients, they can put up a fight with delirious ramblings about the wrongs in eating meat. So, take caution.

Are there any other suggestions?

Finally, we shall discuss the sad misfortune of two of our PERV members who were caug